I’m shit out of ideas at the moment so you get a blow by blow report of what happened when I left work last night.
I shut down my computer, pack up my belongings and walk across the street to the parking garage where our dark blue MINI is stored. I climb some stairs, throw my bag in the boot, plug in my iPod in Aux input and exit the parking garage. I drive to the front of the buildling where I back the MINI into a parking spot and patiently wait for my wife. She jumps in the car, smiles at my new Bono-esque prescription sport glasses, we chat about work, refinancing, 80s one hit wonders, nicknames she’s not to call me in public, how dorky I look in my new glasses, and dinner. We drive past a couple sports stadiums as part of our daily commute and jump on I-90 for about a mile before exiting the busy interstate near our house. About 10 minutes after my wife joined me in the car, we’re pulling into the driveway of our house. You have to love a 3.5 mile commute.
Wednesdays are trash days so I slide the car by our five trash cans lining the driveway. Four of the bins are yardwaste containers and the other one is for trash. I run inside the house to dump my bags, grab the mail, check voicemail (the usual 4-5 new calls from telemarketers), and grab a munchie. If it’s Wednesday, it’s soccer night. I gather my soccer belongings, change into my white uniform, change glasses, swap watches, remove jewelry, and grab my soccer bag. It’s raining so I find my big green tarp as well. I retrieve my cleats from the garage and throw all my stuff in the back of the Subaru Impreza, our soccer car. I drive over to West Seattle for the game and arrive just as the game is starting, fashionably late. We lost the game 2-1 so I won’t go into a whole lot of details.
After the game our team mingles for a bit and several of us decide to go get drinks. I get in the car and immediately put me glasses on and check-in with my wife via my wicked cell phone. I’m low on gas so I make a pit stop at the Shell station and pump $43 worth of gas in the Subaru. I find a swell parking spot near the sports bar and the five of us shoot the shit about the game. A dude that used to play on our team shows up with a couple college buddies. The dude’s birthday was last night and he shares a couple drinks with us. I nurse one pint of a local microbrew with my chicken quesadillas.
We part our ways and walk out to the car. I see a cop and of course second guess whether or not I should be driving. I motor back to my hood, get tailgated by some fucker, and make one final stop before going home. I buy a bunch of pornos from the local corner store. I visit the local grocery store and buy cookie dough, Hot Tamales, and Gummy Bears. A post-game snack for yours truly. I take my stuff in a plastic bag and head home. Park the Subaru, attach The Club to the steering wheel, and move the yard waste containers to the back of the house. I then garage the MINI for the night and finally head inside.
Once in the house I change out of my wet clothes, turn on the tv, and crack open the iBook. Oh how I love having a basement. I respond to comments on my blog while watching the local news and Nightline. I antagonize a few bloggers on their blog and then decide to take a "quick" nap on the couch. I wake up at 2:30am, go upstairs, make sure all the doors are locked, and climb into bed with Mrs Lessinges. [cue the porn music] That’s roughly 8 hours in the life of Egan.
The Continued Life of Monkey Boy 
I’m overwhelmed! cookie dough AND porn? How do you do it?
Schrodinger – I crossed out the porn part so that didn’t really happen. It was a figment of my imagination. I need to think less.
Sounds like a banner evening for the Lessinges household. I love Hot Tamales. Those are probably my favorite candy….right after gummy bears.
Curare_Z – have you had Gummy Bears recently? They fucked them up somehow. They tasted like those crappy imitations from Farley. I was bummed.
What brand Egan? I bet it wasn’t Black Forest. Those long necked bears rule.
What? You didn’t go home and read the porn? You disgust me. Yuck.
Sprizee – there were in fact Black Forest brand. I checked to make sure because they tasted like cheap imposters. If a German QA taster falls in the Black Forest, will they make a noise?
Blonde Vigilante – I buy porn for the pictures.
Yes, if you listen closely you can hear them whispering “bite me”.
Sprizee – that’s not German.
That explains why I couldn’t understand what the swedish fish were saying.
Ah ha – so you DID buy the porn, you just didn’t watch it? Dont tease us with fake-porn-crossed-out comments.
Sprizee – do you suppose the Swedish Chef and Swedish Fish get along?
Schrodinger – crossed out comments negate that action. For the record I bought 6 pornos and watched them all last night. They were so amazing I fell asleep on the couch while watching. (Egan left the door wide open for ridicule with that statement)
The last gummy bears I had tasted alright…they sell them in the cafeteria in my building. BUT, I have had those ones that taste like they went through the same processing as the plastic bags they are sold in before. They always ruin my day.
Did the HOT of the tamales cover up the bad imitation gummies?
Or was it the hot porn that made you gummy?
EEWWWW. I can’t believe I just typed that. Please disregard.
I’m surprised you don’t have any porn in your day.
Curare_Z – the Hot Tamales were for my wife’s coworker along with cookie we made from the cookie dough. Hot Tamales never disappoint.
Curare_Z – would you like me to remove that disgusting comment of yours?
Therese – so the other day I was walking through the park and I saw some lovely butterflies. I let them land on my shoulder. They looked so damn cute I decided to have a full on conversation with them. Some people talk to parrots, I choose butterflies.
Egan that makes no sense at all. Everybody knows that butterflies don’t like monkeys.
TayRez – au contraire ma soeur, butterflies and monkeys get along really well. It’s a new theory I’m working on. I will report back to you when my research is complete.
Excellent. Make sure your reports includes the following headings: Introduction, Background, Experimental Setup (include schematic), Discussion of Results, Conclusions, Recommendations, References.
I’m an engineer you know.
Therese – you’re very thorough. Can I skip the footnotes and glossary? It always bugged me to cite references. I’m really good at handwritten cover sheets using scented markers.
Depends how long it is. For me, you aren’t required to use footnotes unless you have more than 5 references. The glossary is necessary to orient the reader only if you have several new terms.
But you must always, always, always site references. Even paraphrasing an idea without referring to the original author is plagiarism.
And you must include the actual scented markers in your final report.
Therese – you’re a stickler for the rules. That plagiarism thing you’re talking about, that’s a bad thing right? I can tell you’re a sharp cookie.
Therese – don’t tempt me. It’s well-known fact that I turned in a college paper or two with handwritten cover sheets using scented markers. My college buddies can vouch for this. I’m not proud, but back then I didn’t know shit about computers and a handwritten cover sheet seemed so much more appealing.
“remove jewelry”
Okay, other than the wedding ring (which I’m not even sure you should be taking off anyhow you sleazebag) what jewelry are you wearing? Some sort of D&D good luck amulet? Try not to make me think you’re completely lame with your response, please.
wink
Enita – I take off my wedding band before all sporting activities. I weigh about 20 pounds less than when we got married so the ring is a bit loose. I once lost it during a soccer game and just about died. It was such a horrible feeling. After about 20 minutes of sifting through the sandy soccer field, it was located and I was hella relieved. I had visions of getting up at the crack of dawn with a metal detector. I will spend the money to get my wedding band sized down since it’s way too loose.
Jewelry: Timex watch and wedding ring. Sadly no D&D good luck amulet. I wasn’t cool enough for games requiring 13 sided dice. No piercings to speak of.
Your comment was damn funny though. I love the sleazebag part.
Enita – no need to wink, I knew what you meant. Still chuckling inside at your comment.
and you did all this after working 7.5 hours? you are amazing 🙂
and you have 5 garbage cans ? that seems like an extrodinary amount of trash egan lol
Kim – it’s not easy being cheesy. Okay, only one of those cans was for trash and it was half full. The other four cans were full of weeds and lavender. You know how fast those weeds can grow in Seattle, I know you do. The cans weren’t full, but damn heavy.
I had to divide the yardwaste into four cans so the cans didn’t blow out the trashpeople’s back. Each can was pushing 100 pounds easy before I divided them up.
It’s really interesting to see what’s normal some places – like the club. That really shocked me that you need one.
I’m very hard on wedding rings. 1st went down the drain *totally sick feeling* second is soldered to the engagement ring, from whetch the (tiny) diamond fell out shortly after we moved here, 3rd was a cheapie I bought while preggo with #3 (swollen fingers) and which flew off (got too loose) a few months ago while I was pushing the kids on the merry-go-round, 4th I broke while punching the bag at TKD on a particularly stressful night (sicko child prn blogger) but I got it fixed and still have it. I take it off for punching the bag and sparring now. 😛
you know if you wave a bible at the cop and tell him to join the church of mormonology, theyll leave you alone, brother!!!
You have to CLIMB into bed? What are you a leprechaun? (sings: Superfreak, superfreak (s)he’s super freaky-YEAOW !)
I have some porn you can borrow.
I meant *have*. Ugh. I don’t want that back after….
Hmm…you get home and take off jewelry? Did anyone else catch that line? Ear ring? Nose ring? Nipple ring? Umm….ummm….what kind of jewelry? Please tell me you’re talking a watch or something.
Actually sounds like a nice day in the life. 🙂
Cheers!
Candace – I’m contacting Peter Jackson to see if he will direct three 3 hour long movies about your rings. I’m sure he’ll be game after that crap King Kong movie of his.
Johnny – I love you.
~d – I don’t have to climb into bed, but my wife does. She’s the leprechaun. We bought the bed at Ikea and added a box spring. Me thinks the Swedes don’t use box springs. Great, now I have that song in my head (she’s a very freaky girl, the kind you can’t bring home to mutha…)
L – now do you? hmmm…
L – that’s hilarious that you clarified that. Seriously, I love it.
Ramblingmuse – yes, Anita in her infinite wisdom, caught the jewelry bit. Watches and wedding ring. I have zero tats and piercings… no other jewelry to speak of. It was a nice day. The rain during the game was refreshing.
I was so fine until you made me feel the need to Clorox myself there near the end. GREAT, lessinges.
Kris humphs off in a humph . . .
I like the mental picture of Egan in his basement with his laptop and TV. Always wondered what people are doing when they’re blogging!
No way could he do any 3 hour movies. I’d lose or accidentally destroy The Ring in the first 10 minutes and that would be the end of that. 😉
I am usually good for a terrible throw back song or two-thank you for holla-n at Gretchen.
pree-shee-mee-ate-it.
Now, I believe I have a story to tell…ciao-how do you say dude or man or whatever in italian? My chickas I say ciao, mon bella _____. Lalala.
(singing: you spin me right round, baby right round like a record baby)
I don’t know how you stand the excitement of your day to day life, Egan. You should start a blog someday.
the only thing better is if you’d won the game. maybe you should have been on time and you may have changed the outcome. slacker!
Kris – I’m sorry for the Clorox moment. Doesn’t the crossed out text save me?
ChickyBabe – for instance right now I’m watching Beverly Hills 90210 with my wife while responding to comments and doing laundry. I’m a mad multitasker. Glad to paint a mental picture for you.
Candace – I guarantee Peter Jackson in his infinite boredom could make it into a three hour movie, guarantee it.
~d – you sing a lot don’t you? I no speaky the eye-tall-yun. I speak zee French so. Avez-vous des questions?
Jungle Jane – funny, Sprizee said the same thing to me about 20 months ago. She’s brilliant. My life is fairly boring, I like to embellish to make it seem heaps more intriguing.
MGC – you have a very good point. Some ringer was playing fullback when one of the goals was scored. How’s the bike?
how do you play soccer without first having more than a munchie?
Van – simple, a huge lunch. I ate heaps of Vietnamese food. I was like a bear stocking up for its winter hibernation. I burned those calories off during soccer and while blogging late last night.
which one? dirtbike or harley? dirtbike is not mine, belongs to spokane denny. i am getting a new honda this summer. and the harley is a filthy 1200 mile trip little bitch in the garage. well, i hope it is in the garage. i am in vegas. maybe the wife’s boyfriend is taking her for a spin (the bike not the wife – i know you) if he is, he better f-ing wash her (again, the bike not the wife).
Voulez-vous mon blog, monsieur?
**#4 is posted. Enjoy!
(singing: Don’t touch me please I cannot stand the way you tease)
I love having a basement also. I get to write and do woodworking and cook meth and lots of other fun stuff down there.
No one is ever the wiser!
Sorry about the wink. Something was in my eye. God, what did you think? Just don’t answer.
I just knew that you were a soccer player.
It’s such a colorful game.
(Note: I do not consider soccer a sport)
MGC – that sounds like a daytime soap opera. I guess I was asking about the dirtbike belonging to Spokane Denny.
~d – that’s Paula Abdul right? I read the post and wasn’t aroused at all.
Barry – meth labs are so cool. Oh, welcome to my blog.
Enita – winking is awesome. I think it’s great that you virtually wink at people. Keep it up.
I laughed at the jewelry comment too. I thought you might have been sporting a mouth grill back then. Ha!
Licorice Lady – do I look like Ryan Lochte to you? Thank you very much.
No, but you didn’t strike me as a pool pee-er either. Ha!