Those Aren’t Facial Tissues

How do you know you work for a laid back company?  I ran out of facial tissues today and had to march my ass up to the office supply room on the fourth floor.  I swung by my co-worker’s desk to gossip with her about stuff because that’s how I roll.  She shed some light on a budding office romance I wasn’t previously privy to.  We both kill some time and walk over to the supply room, allowing more time to gossip. 

Not to my surprise there weren’t any boxes of facial tissues in the cupboard.  François, our diligent mailroom guy, is responsible for stocking facial tissues and other supplies.  We turn the corner to François’ desk and he’s staring at his MySpace profile.  5-10 seconds later he feels our stare and turns bright red.  It’s then I learn Mr. Sexy is dating a stripper named Siren.  As François states, "I’m living every man’s dream".  Ummm, not really, but you can think that if you want. 

I grab four boxes of facial tissues, 3 boxes are for my co-workers who sit next to me, and walk back to my co-worker’s desk on the fourth floor.  Two of my other female collegues inquire about the need to have four boxes of facial tissues.  Yes, she was implying a certain naughty thing here.  I shrugged off her funny remark and told her I frequently have sweaty palms.  I sheepishly returned to my desk after this exchange because I have lots of work to do.  Remember, I’m a workaholic.

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About lessinges

Seattle native, discovering life! I like ice cream, cold cereal, and The Amazing Race.
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79 Responses to Those Aren’t Facial Tissues

  1. sprizee says:

    I could only love this story more if the coworker, who implied extra curricular activities, was in the HR department.

  2. egan says:

    Sprizee – sadly that wasn’t the case and I’m not at liberty to expand on that.

  3. l says:

    You picked up that porn I offered, didn’t you?

  4. egan says:

    L – did you stash some pornos in my office?

  5. Stephanie says:

    I love having gossip partners in the office. Especially when it’s not malicious gossip. 🙂
    My gossip partner is gone on vacay for the week, I feel SO out of the loop.
    How are you Egan?

  6. kim says:

    we are a human resource nightmare at my office… dont ya love it ?

  7. egan says:

    Stephanie – really? No gossip for a week? That’s inhumane? I hope you found a replacement. I’m good, thanks for asking Steph.
    Kim – ah, I love this comment of yours. Is there such a thing as a “human resource nightmare”? I find HR to be just as bad if not much worse than those not in HR. Now, I need examples of how you’re bad. Topics please.

  8. kim says:

    judging by the way our HR girl puts her fingers in her ears and rushes from the room, i guess we are really bad bad girls
    lets seeeeee…last topic ..i believe it was thongs and who and who shouldnt wear them and why ! let me just add we are some mean bitches :)~

  9. TayRez says:

    Ooooh boy.
    You need to slow the heck down, Egan. At this rate you’ll be working yourself into an early grave. That is just too much hard work….

  10. TayRez says:

    … for a box of facial tissue.

  11. egan says:

    Note: This is not a Blogger blog so you can comment without any load problems. Thank you!
    Kim – are guys allowed to wear thongs? I’m quite catty so it’s all good. Your HR person sounds like of the few good ones.
    TayRez – I’m really afraid to know what you’re implying here. I will just pretend I don’t get it. Cool?
    TayRez – ummm.. yeah.

  12. TayRez says:

    Oh, like I said anything spectacularly graphic. Pffft. Pffft I say!

  13. egan says:

    TayRez – ah, that kind of hard work. Like me being a workaholic. I got it. Sorry, I’ve been cruising various MySpace sites since Bloggers is limping along again.

  14. kim says:

    blogger bites the last couple few days.. maybe they are under attack from the evil anonymous commentors baahaha i crack me up

  15. egan says:

    Kim – Blogger has always sucked ass if you ask me. I can’t recall a week where it wasn’t down for at least a half hour. That’s why I pulled the plug on those Google monsters.

  16. Thérèse says:

    Half an hour a week for maintenance is too much for you?
    You are a workaholic, eGan.

  17. Stephanie says:

    Blogger is majorly sucking butt lately!!
    I’m in the process of starting a typepad (weeeee!!). I just don’t want to lose any info, but I think that’s inevitable.
    Yes, I do miss my office bud, but he’ll be back on Friday, sportin an awesome tan, I’m sure.

  18. egan says:

    TayRez – you think those outages are maintenace related? I highly doubt that. Most software companies plan their outages for low usage times of the day, such as late at night or very early in the morning. Google can blow me.

  19. egan says:

    Stephanie – you can import all your posts to your new Typepad account somehow. I’m honestly not skilled enough to do that. I took the easy way out and link to my old Blogger blog in the my blogroll. More talented people than me have figured it out though. Congrats on the move to Typepad. Trust me, you will be much happier.

  20. sprizee says:

    Actually, it was all Wheelson. I’m sure he’ll hook you up if you ask nicely and promise to buy him a pack of gum. (And by gum I might actually mean something from his Amazon wish list.)

  21. kim says:

    yep..im new to the whole blogger thing
    i like my wordpress site better these days, and its fun …ill prolly transfer it over when i get the time

  22. egan says:

    Sprizee – that Wheelson guy sure is handy to have as a friend. He’s kind of like that friend of mine named Bob in Portland. Nice contact to have in your back pocket.
    Kim – WordPress has a pretty good product from what I can tell. I have run into several of them. Yes, do transfer your site away from Blogger. It will be better for all. Google sucks ass. (I hope that shows up in their damn search engine)

  23. logo™ says:

    Dear petchulant, pooping Egan,
    please make sure you wash your hands, facial tissues are not enough.

  24. egan says:

    Logo™ – I did wash my hands. I have so many great bathroom stories to share. I will spare you today. Consider yourself warned though.
    P.S. will someone please let me know when Blogger is behaving? Thanks.

  25. toby says:

    Egan is the only one with a working blog. How much does this cost?
    Is his name really, François? My mail room guy is named Joe. How do you know when your work environment is relaxed or “laid back?” I work at a place that says it’s okay for me to internets when it’s slow. I had my “first Monday of the month meeting” today (they’re always on Wednesdays because Mondays are always cancelled, they should just change it to the first Wednesday of the month meeting, but what do I know?), the meeting was about some Employee Appreciation party happening next Monday, but probably Wednesday knowing these people and the discussion turned into raffle prizes. One guy said he found a donor of multiple eclectic gifts in the $5 to $10 range and some of the women began to laugh. The head guy, Vice Chancellor, said “no items from the adult book store, please.” I’m laughing still, maybe you had to be there.

  26. egan says:

    Toby – that’s a pretty damn funny story. I like this Vice Chancellor guy. That’s some title to boot. Your office sounds fun.
    Yes, my blog is functioning because it isn’t bitch ass Blogger. My Typepad blog costs $10/month, there is a package for $5/month. My sanity is worth $10/month. And I can rub it in Google’s face how shitty their product is.

  27. toby says:

    Thank you sir, I’m checking into that. I work for a university, so his title is Vice Chancellor. And boring Joe is my mail room guy.

  28. egan says:

    Toby – you got me there, his name isn’t really François. I don’t want to ruin his anonymity though. I would hate for people to look him up on MySpace and poke fun at him. He’s taught me so much.

  29. egan says:

    Brooke – I’m working very hard as you well know. I have many things going on at once. I’m a très busy guy. Merci.

  30. kim says:

    goddamnhorribleshittyassbloggercrappola!!! still isnt working 4:12pm

  31. egan says:

    Kim – I know… Google is shit. Is their stock really worth $386/share I ask you? Fuck no. Make the switch and feel better about yourself.

  32. toby says:

    I’m saving the 5 or ten bucks. I’m just going to blog in your comments. Your hit count will go up by 5 or 6 per day. Do you mind?

  33. egan says:

    Toby – do I look like a guy that minds more comments on his blog? Eat your heart out man.

  34. Enita says:

    I once told our HR lady that “we’re all just replaceable warm bodies here anyways; does it matter?” in response to a question about how I thought people were taking some unneccessary corporate layoffs here a few months ago (we’re perpetually understaffed). I thought she was going to lay an egg the way she stuttered. I became the office hero for a few days.
    11 pages to go.

  35. Enita says:

    OOOH! Toby maybe Typepad is secretly owned by Google too and they’re shutting down on purpose and Egan works in their marketing dept. and it’s some elaborate scheme to get our $5! But probably not.
    Wow. My blog is down and I’m still procrastinating on a blog. I am amazing.

  36. egan says:

    Enita – you’re my hero for sure. Only 11 pages left and you still find time to comment on my blog while Blogger is limping along. I bet the HR lady’s face was priceless.
    Enita – yes, I have my ways of making money. I own stock in Typepad’s parent company. I love your procrastination skills. I really do Enita. I would be doing the exact same thing if I was still in school.

  37. toby says:

    Pro-crast-in-ation… to the tune of that old Hientz ketchup commerical.
    Yes, we never know what them satellites are up to, do we?

  38. Enita says:

    Oh, and just so y’all don’t think I’m being a bitch to an innocent HR lady, we are a subsidiary of a larger parent company and she works for the larger parent company (not us) that does shitty things like lay off people so they can outsource to India. As far as I’m concerned when you draw that paycheck as an HR rep for that corporation you’re pretty much getting paid to hear stuff like that from me. We have an internal HR lady that’s very nice and I would never say such a thing to her. I actually brought her a cupcake with sprinkles yesterday.

  39. Enita says:

    Toooby Liiikes Keeeetch-UP! =)

  40. Enita says:

    Okay, back to work for me.

  41. Jacynth says:

    I heart HR violations!

  42. egan says:

    Toby – I think the “Procrastination” jingle sounds better to the Rod Stewart song Infatuation. Just my thought.
    Enita – isn’t that their job? I think you are within your rights to bitch her ears off. That’s what they are there for and to spread gossip.
    Enita – that’s not all Toby likes.

  43. toby says:

    Sure. My HR lady is special too. She always calls me to let me know when I’m about to lose something. That might sound bad, but it’s sincere. There are 650 people she has total control over and I can’t imagine she does it for everyone. Maybe she does? All I know is, she lets me know ahead of time so I can use it up. Mostly unused personal days and some vacation time.
    At my place, you must use it or you lose it.

  44. egan says:

    Enita – you’re cracking me up with your comments. Aw, killing time is so much fun isn’t it? I used to clean our rental house in college during finals week. Anything to not study.
    Jacynth – HR violations are like scars, they prove you’re tough. Are all HR staffers the same?

  45. toby says:

    I like lots of things. Puppy dogs and rainbows are two of my favorites.

  46. egan says:

    Toby – 650 people is chump change. I manage 1300 people and let them know when they’re about to lose it. I don’t specify what it is they are going to lose though. I like to keep them guessing.
    Toby – I thought you loved unicorns as well. Are you witholding some details about your private life?

  47. toby says:

    Really? I thought you constructed breweries all across this wonerful world? Really I thought you did something with trees, wood and paper, that’s why we have such a bond. I use lots of paper with my profession as a printer.
    I know you are not hands on in the factory, but my thoughts were up and beyond HR since you tested software in Finland. Or was that just across the strait in Russia?
    You’re deviant.
    Egan is now on my list of favorites. In between rainbows and unicorns.

  48. egan says:

    Toby – you have an uncanny memory. I’m very impressed you remembered the Finland paper mill stuff. Good work my friend. Now, when is that Amsterdam post of yours going to be complete?

  49. toby says:

    I apologize for my lacking with the Amsterdam post. It’s not going to happen until I return from my five days of “camping” in the great North woods. I have my scanner, I have my pics, I’ve even began it with Word, but you, one of my favorites, have put so much pressure on me, I Anita it to be perfect.
    Sorry, Egan, we’re all young. It’ll be here before you know it. Then we’ll all be old and thinking about that post as if it were yesterday.

  50. ChickyBabe says:

    Sweaty palms come from too much blogging, right?

  51. Jess R says:

    Ha! Well, as long as you don’t have hairy palms.

  52. I’m “watching” Edward Scissorshands and kinda got it all mixed up with your “facial tissues” and your coworker’s innuendos and, well, OUCH!
    Francois orders tons of facial tissues, but he uses them all himself. Stay away from his foul, foul workspace!!

  53. madelyn says:

    you should be sheepish you
    sweaty-palmed workaholic.

  54. egan says:

    Toby – why is the word camping in quotes?
    ChickyBabe – you busted me. The come from too much time playing video games.
    Jess R – I have about 8 hairs on my entire body.
    Candace – workspace or MySpace?
    Madelyn – I got to do what I got to do. I’m super busy and stuff.

  55. Sounds like the stripper is living every woman’s fantasy. what a catch!

  56. ~d says:

    I am so totally all abt gossip. I like to hear it and I like to repeat (what I can) and I listen. VERY CLOSELY.
    **Love the implication of what you need the 4 boxes of tissues for!**

  57. Stephanie says:

    E- I found out how to transfer everything excluding comments over to typepad!
    WEEEEEE!!! Check it out!!
    http://fooonyou.typepad.com/

  58. Kerry says:

    ooooooooohhhhhhh… I love office gossip! thats the funnest kind!

  59. sprizee says:

    Shit Egan. Has the contract for Typepad kickbacks been finalized yet or what? I’m tired of giving away all my good ideas. From now on, I’m charging 25 cents a minute.

  60. Stephanie says:

    I have a quarter.

  61. Enita says:

    She’s Sprizeeeeeevil!

  62. kim says:

    ok 2 days of this blogger shit has pissed me off and im moving damnit! i just thought id whine at you cuz youre site works lol

  63. Pantsy says:

    Again with the workaholic shit? See you on myspace!

  64. sprizee says:

    Sprizeevil. I like it
    Am I the only one reminded of Planes, Trains and Automobiles after reading the title of this post?
    Where’s your hand?
    Between two pillows.
    Those aren’t pillows!
    Now both scream: Ahhhhhh!

  65. Pants says:

    I had completely forgotten about “between two pillows”. Argh!!

  66. sprizee says:

    Egan, I’m starting to get worried you got kicked in the head at last night’s soccer game and now i’m just being flat out disrespectful commenting on your site, you being dead and all.

  67. ubermilf says:

    I think you mean François’ “heartner” is a stripper named Siren.
    Also…
    I signed up for Typepad already today. Now I have to figure out how to move my custom template there…

  68. sandra says:

    You’ll have to avoid watching sexual harassment videos. 😉

  69. HAHAHA, Egan! Nice one!!! 🙂 Stay away from both, I think. 🙂 Though you’re less likely to get accidentally get sperm on yourself at his MySpace. 😛 Bleaccccchhhhh. Is he as greasy as he sounds?

  70. Kerry says:

    I love office gossip! It makes the days go faster… haha

  71. egan says:

    Alright people, I’m alright. No soccer balls to the head in last night’s game. We did win the game and I wasn’t hospitalized or dehydrated. I took a day off from work and blogging until just now. I had a slight cold and thought I should take it easy since I have over 160 sick hours to use.
    Was Blogger down all day again today? Yikes.

  72. Cheryll says:

    Haha! Office commeraderie at its finest. I wonder if I will miss that.

  73. egan says:

    Baby J – I think you hit the nail on the head there. Every woman should worship Francois. He’s a real keeper.
    ~d – yes, I thought the implied use of the facial tissues was quite funny. Too bad I reported the bitch to HR.
    Stephanie – thanks for passing along your findings. I will have to check out that site. I hope you enjoy your move to Typepad.
    Kerry – office gossip is a fantastic way to pass time. I really love gossiping between co-workers via IM about an unsuspecting co-worker.
    Sprizee – I haven’t received a dime of money from Typepad yet. Maybe I should hit them up for some kickbacks. A quarter for each new blog sounds fair.
    Stephanie – that quarter will be money well spent. Wait, I will need another one to put air in my tires or to vacuum it out.
    Enita – I love the new nickname for Sprizee. If you ever met her in person you would know that she’s pure evil. She’s a vindictive lady.
    Kim – I can’t believe it was down for another day. Wow, that’s really bad. Yes, move to Typepad and show those blockheads at Google that free isn’t good enough to keep your blog there. Yeah for you.
    Pants – MySpace is for losers, duh! You better not have a profile there or we will need to have a chat.
    Sprizee – I’m so glad someone finally figured it out. What 65 comments or so deep it was mentioned. I miss John Candy.
    Pants – how could you forget the “two pillows” line? It’s a classic right up there with “what’s your vector Victor?”.
    Sprizee – you’re just trying to play evil because Enita gave you that nickname. We all know you are docile as Bambi.
    Ubie – glad you made the switch to Typepad and thanks for the grammar correction. I will make sure to return the favor on your site.
    Sandra – the sexual harassment videos are golden. Someday I want to be an actor in those videos.
    Candace – Francois isn’t greasy at all. He’s a scrawny little mailroom guy that comes across as cocky because inside he’s really lacking self-esteem.
    Kerry – I can tell you really do love office gossip, so much so that you commented twice. I love it. You didn’t copy and paste from your earlier comment did you?

  74. Blogger was being a poo most of the day from what I saw. :-/ Great job on the game!! 🙂

  75. EEEEwwww! Francois is even icker than imagined. 😛

  76. egan says:

    Cheryl – I’m sure you will miss it in some respects. For me, there are definitely more that annoy me than I enjoy. However, that’s because I like to mock people. I’m so mean and stuff. I do it because I have a really low self-esteem.

  77. egan says:

    Candace – Blogger is a piece of shit and so is Google. The soccer game was quite fun. The best part is there were more bunnies on the sidelines than humans.
    Candace – he’s very hot and that’s all I am going to say about Francois.

  78. That’s a lot of bunnies! Scrawny AND hot?? I could see “slim and hot” but scrawny sounds like a dried-up chicken.

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