Pet peeve #3: At work and at the gym we have these cool things called stand up urinals. Men use these typically to discard liquids from inside their bodies. Sometimes it’s yellow, sometimes it’s clear, and sometimes it’s a loogie. That’s all well and good in my mind as those sorts of things easily flush down the porcelain burrito.
However, we have same lazy bastards in this great country of ours. Some folks can’t be bothered to dispose of things in the proper place. Yes, that means those items find an untimely death in the urinal. My favorite item is bubble gum. Really, how damn hard it is to reach a couple fingers in your mouth, remove gum, and put in garbage? If it’s so easy to spit it in the urinal, isn’t it just as easy to spit it in the garbage? Fools, somebody has to reach in the urinal and grab your Hubba Bubba or Big League Chew. Sure it may not be you, but this doesn’t excuse that sort of behavior. When I become mayor of Seattle, I will allow cameras in men’s bathrooms so the perps can serve time as janitors in various 24 Hour Fitness clubs.
Just now I spied a popsicle stick in the urinal to my right at work.
"I know there’s a garbage can in here, but fuck it, the urinal looks like a great spot for my little wooden stick."
"That’s what she said."
The best thing I ever saw in a urinal though, a turd. Yes, someone built up enough courage once to squat over a urinal and unleash a brown poop. I chuckled to myself when I first saw it and then thought about how they got that shit there. Mind you this was in a swanky Nordstrom bathroom. I bet it was an employee, just a hunch. Why the hunch you ask? Well that’s a cliffhanger for a future post where I will share my last day of work story from Portland, Oregon.
The Continued Life of Monkey Boy 
Yay! I’m first!
And on a urinal post… I can’t believe it!
For SURE that was alcohol and desperation related. Unless it was the gym pisser. In which case, man, that is seriously gutsy.
Doesn’t make it OK, tho.
I just threw up a little reading this post. I hate public restrooms. People use them as a great big garbage can and I think it is disgusting. If they ever had to clean a bathroom I bet they would rethink their shitty behavior….pun intended
Doesn’t that shit just piss you off? 😉 I think they use flame throwers to incinerate that kind of stuff so no one has to touch it.
You say “stand up urinals” as if there’s a sit down sort as well. . .
It grosses me out when people don’t bother to flush. And why would you go into a stall, see that it’s not flushed and then leave it UNFLUSHED?? Kick the flusher with your foot, but fer poopssake! Don’t leave it there. Wouldn’t it gross you out more that to know that you were continuing to breathe poop fumes?
i hate it also. how fucking lazy does one have to be not to make to the garbage.
a turd in a urinal? i am not even sure how one can do that, butt i guess it must be possible. it won’t even make it past the tidy bowl ring thing! gross
I just ate. I may throw up……..
Find whoever sat down at the urinal and the mystery of evolution’s missing link is solved. I don’t know how guys can all line up and pee together as it is, the thought of someone evacuating their bowels in one is… well a thought I’d really like to get rid of. I’m going back to read the previous post.
it was a she with you in the mans toilett who put her popsickle stick into the urinal??????????
That sounds kind of weired. What did you two do in there?? Philosophing about POPsickleSTICKS???????????? HAHAHAHA
Garbabe. Is that pirate speak for sweetie?
ChickyBabe – good work on the timing. I was second on your blog, but that was right behind you. Urinal posts are fun for all.
M – the popsicle stick was at work and the gum is at the gym. Neither of those two locations are likely to be alcohol induced, but you never know. D’accord?
Trick – are you like the dude in American Pie that hurries home to shit? I’m not saying too much, but I am a tad bit anal retentive myself.
Candace – you do make a good point about stand up urinals. You and your fire.
L – flushing toilets is for wimps. I bet you drive a minivan too.
MGC – I know, a turd in the urinal. It was a classic one. I bet the culprit enjoyed watching people exit the bathroom with a look of amazement on their faces. Bastards.
Cherry – yeah, the timing of this post could be bad if you’re near food or have a bowel movement approaching.
Loudlush – guys love the urinal. We gab about sports, chicks, cuts of meat, Pamela Anderson and sorts of other things while peeing. Okay, so known of that is true. Honestly most guys pee and cut out, meaning don’t wash their hands.
Mone – nope, I’m not sure who deposited the popsicle stick in the urinal. I was in the men’s bathroom though so I can only assume it was a man. I would hope some woman wouldn’t be sick enough to get excited enough to throw a popsicle stick into a men’s urinal. Who knows though. Seattle is an odd place.
Sprizee – nothing gets past you, nothing! Are you calling me a butt pirate? Shame on you.
I thought you prefered the term pillow biter. Argh!
Polly wants a …. nevermind.
Sprizee – come closer birdie, just a little closer… right there.
Time for me to fly the coop.
“most guys pee and cut out, meaning don’t wash their hands” – Nooooooooo. I may need therapy now.
I do like my home base….going out of town causes serious cramping
Sprizee – don’t make me clip your wings.
Loudlush – yes, that’s true and it pisses me off, pun intended. I have so many more stories to tell about that sort of thing. I can offer therapy. It’s one of the “services” I provide.
Trick – right there with you sister.
Urinals make me gag just a little. *shudders*
Blonde Vigilante – well just be thankful you don’t have to use them 5-10 times a day. Every damn trip to the urinal is awkward, especially in the work place with some dumbshit standing next to you. Ahhh.
Yes, I feel bad for you men, because of the whole urinal. I like cake, but not urinal cakes. I also feel bad for men b/c they may in their lives have to masturbate in a doctor’s office. Let’s be honest…nobody wants to do that there.
Blonde Vigilante – and then there’s the whole “no ovulation thing”. Being a guy totally sucks. It’s a rough life being a male.
Would it have warranted a different reaction from you if you had spied the popsicle stick in the urinal to your left?
Since I’m not exposed to urinals, may I add gum in the water fountain at the gym. I mean really?
Curare_Z – ha, very funny. Perhaps I could have yanked it out of the urinal on my left, if you know what I mean. Wink wink.
BabyJewels – argh, that’s another spot. I think we need to ban gum like they do in Singapore.
Maybe it was a Baby Ruth candy bar. Did you sniff it?
Ubie – I know it wasn’t because I touched it. Wrong consistency.
Reduced to bathroom humor. For shame.
I can’t believe someone popped a squat in the urinal that takes some guts, probably some drunk “frat” boy right?
You sure are anal about things aren’t you. Do you have OCD?
Mayor of seattle? good luck with that ambition.
Okay. I have no explanation for the turd or the popsicle stick, but the gum I can at least understand. Scenario:
You’re chewing gum. You have to pee. You’re a mouth-breather. While staring down at the wonder that is your own penis, you drop the gum into the urinal. “DOH!” you think to yourself.
I’m sure the more realistic answer comes from the filthy asshole angle but I’m trying to be positive here.
Oh wait! I do have an idea where the popsicle stick came from! Some man probably had to take his son into the bathroom and, not paying attention to the little boy, unknowingly allowed him to leave his popsicle stick in the urinal.
and the turd came from Mister Hanky.
Anything else you’re puzzled about?
Brooke – please don’t tell me you read the post.
Phats – frat boys rule. Anyone heard a frat boy play the Piano Man by Billy Joel? Ha. Um, you aren’t allowed to talk politics since you’re not a registered voter… remember?
Anita – you’re killing me. Wow, that was a tremendously creative scenario. Killing me softly…
Anita – I thought you were going in a completely different direction with your popsicle stick story.
Anita – you have all the answers today. I love it. Pooping in hankies is the new IT thing to do.
That is the nastiest thing ever!
whats the rest of the story!?!?
Ovulation smovulation.
Kerry – the rest of the story? As in what happened to the shit or the Nordstrom teaser?
Blonde Vigilante – can I interest you in some vitamins?
…err, how does one avoid splashback in a urinal situation? just curious.
I also wear my glasses on a chain around my neck. And I have a fanny pack.
hey geesh! i was just wishing you luck with becoming mayor! but fine i take it back
I can play piano. If I listen to that billy joel song long enough I could play it, I play by ear
Mez – that’s a spectacular question. One that almost deserves it’s own post. To be honest, we don’t. Most men have fairly poor aim, but it’s important to know that a stream of piss isn’t like a rocket. It tends to spray. Another note: don’t pee standing up wearing khakis, you’re likely going to get a few laughs.
To avoid splash, one must stand as far away from the urinal as possible. Say five feet away then you move closer as the stream weakens, hoping you don’t hit the floor. There really is a science to it. This scenario works best if you balance a open beverage on the plumbing pipes above said urinal. Any questions? Thanks for stopping by and welcome to my blog. Bring on the questions.
L – that’s a very hot look. You should creat a MySpace profile, if you haven’t already. My knees are weak.
Phats – I sensed some sarcasm like I wasn’t good enough to become mayor. You know this blog was started as a way for me generate an audience for my 2012 run for the Presidency. You knew that right? Hey, it’s all good man. Just giving you shit as usual.
Did you ever stop to think maybe those people had to PEE those things out? In horrible pain? And here you are judging them. Shame, Egan, shame.
Schrodinger – you are right. I’m a callous bastard. What’s even more alarming it that their bodies are so fucked up to be able to pass that sort of thing. I tried to gag myself with a popsicle stick once, instead I got ‘roids.
wait, you guys bring DRINKS (and ice-cream) into the toilets? Peeing sounds extremely difficult. Knowing my luck, I’d fuck up somehow and end up spraying self in eye.
What kind of vitamins? Will they make me see things funny? I already take a daily vitamin.
Mez – maybe not ice cream, but substitute BlackBerry or Treo and you get the picture. Have you seen the movie Me, Myself, and Irene? There’s a scene in that movie that totally nails the troubles with urination for men. I died laughing when I saw that scene because it’s so accurate.
Blonde Vigilante – the vitamins will cure that black eye issue of yours.
Do you have something against my breastisis?
BV – they are fake.
They are. I’m a horrible fake titied girl…even my haircolor is fake. I don’t know how I look myself in the mirror some days.
Blonde Vigilante – it’s okay, I have a fake penis. You know what Velcro™ is right? Cool.
Does it ever fall off down your pant leg while you’re walking? That would be REALLY embarrassing.
Nonono. Mr. Hanky. The Christmas poo!
You are so not up on pop culture. Actually that’s old pop culture. So you may be up now but you weren’t then. So today I’m looking back thinking about how uncool you were then. Or something.
Blonde Vigilante – nope, I wear a chastity belt like device to keep it secure. I even wired the device so I can punish it for bad behavior, electric shocks.
that’s one of my favourite scenes too. rofl. okay, understood.
Anita – so right you are. I’m not up on all my pop culture trappings. I do my best, however some stuff escapes me. Mork & Mindy aren’t cool are they? South Park is on tv still? Ugh, I have to stop watching so much BH 90210.
Mez – it wouldn’t be so damn funny if it weren’t true. Peeing with sandals is never a wise idea either.
I think Anita posted a picture of your Velcro penis a while back.
Blonde Vigilante – Anita does crazy shit like that all the time. Anita is also very wise though and made it so I can’t see that picture, but every other blogger can. Pisses me off big time.
Just unzip your pants, man…you can look at it whenever you want.
Blonde Vigilante – shit, my fly was unzipped. Thanks for reminding me.
Mwa-ha-ha!
Anita – I said good things about you on Brooke’s blog.
Loving you back in so many ways… 😉
I’m glad I’m only exposed to a urinal about once every two years. That frequency suits me just fine.
Karen Little – I’m impressed you know that song. You have mad skills. Mad skills at avoiding exposure to urinals too. Nice job.
Damn, that was close.
I’m not suprised. I hear you’re one of them hybrid-driving hippie liberal types so you love everything.
Blonde Vigilante – he’s got a mind of his own. Stupid penis.
Anita – I do love everything. Well that’s not quite true. I hate cats! They really piss me off.
Phew, a break from all this commenting. I’m wiped out. I’ll be back in a bit to shoot off insults though. Don’t fret.
He’s really going to hug a tree.
PRESIDENT!? Jesus Canada here I come.
I love cats. And dogs. And woodland creatures. And animals of all sorts, really. So I outhippie you. I may or may not outhippie toby, though. We’ll have to have a hippie-off.
Actually I hate squirrels. They’re tree rats. Sorry I called you a pussy on BV’s blog. I had to counter the love thing and it just felt right. Have a nice weekend!
Toby doesn’t like patchouli, so he can’t outhippie anyone.
Egan, we all know you’ve really driven your Hummer off to a local park where you’re lighting a huge-ass bonfire and snuggling your favourite kittens.
I think I saw your velcro penis at the local Caribou Coffee a while back. What a traitor.
Pussy = Cat, Anita, you were just trying to show the love.
Take these broken wings. And learn to fly again. Learn to be so free. When you hear the voices sing, a song of love will open up and let them in.
Blonde Vigilante – well not exactly. I squeezed into some triathlon shorts and then pissed on a tree. It was a Pseudotsuga menzisii.
Phats – again, you are NOT a registered voter so you have no say. Is the thought of jury duty really that scary to you?
Anita – I would never hold it against you. You’re cool, but you have to learn to love squirrels. Pigeons are much worse than squirrels. I hope your party kicks ass.
Candace – that was some funny stuff. You hit a few of the big ones there too. I see you’re paying very close attention.
Blonde Vigilante – come again?
Sprizee – is that Peter Cetera? Yikes.
Are you kidding? No.
Hint: On an episode of Silver Spoons Rick dedicated that song to his girlfriend after they had a fight and broke up.
Still don’t know the name of the band? [shakes heads]
there are more comments here than there are there.
I shall go rest my eyes.
Be well, Ironman!
MORE MORE MORE (how do ya like it? How do ya like it?)
Oops, sorry-70’s disco.
(where am I?)
~d stands up-dusts off bottom and wanders a little further down the road…
Sprizee – Queensryche? I love the Ricker.
~d – ummm, where is there? How was your nap?
~d – damn, that was one quick nap you got in there. Must be singing 70’s songs in your head.
Monsieur Monsieur
Ricky is having trouble with a girl and retires to his room to mope to the strains of “Take these Broken Wings.”
Sprizee – say it ain’t so, this show never ever jumped the shark. It’s not possible. Every episode was like a tasty Rice Krispy treat.
You know what’s good? Rice Krispy treats and a warm soda for breakfast. YUM!
Sprizee – that’s what IT folks eat. Add in a Red Bull and you’re all set.
THAT’s the way-uh huh uh huh I like it-uh huh uh huh!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
(never made it to rest my eyes….yet)
~d – mind if I call you Madame Jukebox?
As a mother of two boys – this photo still made me puke in my mouth…GROSS!
Tricia – how did the photo make you puke? That pink thing you see is just the hockey puck deodorizer. You’re funny.
Hee Hee 🙂
You caught me in a good mood – I just have a thing with Urinals – I don’t understand them. Why can’t you go into a stall and pee like women? Why do they line you up and have you pee in front of your peers? Talk about pressure!
Tricia – please tell me you’re kidding. You do know men have these things called penises right? The average male is about 5’8. That means your average penis is about 8 inches long when flaccid. Try stuffing that sucker between your legs each and every time. Not so much fun. We could pee into a normal toilet while standing, but then you have backsplash. I bet you would prefer the urinal.
Yes, we do get stage fright from time to time. Usually when there isn’t a dividing wall between the urinals. Some grunting may occur and some just take nice deep breaths.
Mind if I call you Ironman?!
ALMOST AT 100 comments !!!
Modern day warrior…
~d – you can officially call me Ironman on August 28th. Before that and you’re likely to jinx me. This Sunday afternoon you should be able to call me “Midget Ironman” or “Half Ironman”.
~d – Modern Day Warrior? That sounds like I carry a shield and a sword. Don’t make me bie your legs off.
Your blog trigger my gag reflex. LOl The things I have seen in urinals would send a person into therapy.
Ruben – great to hear from you again. Imagine what it would be like to not have a gag reflex. Oh, not sure where I was headed with that one though. I know, you could do an entire blog about the stuff seen in urinals. It’s only a fallback for mine. Have a great weekend.
Jury Duty is a BIG PAIN IN THE ASS
I don’t have time for it.
Would you run as an elephant or a jackass?
Along the lines of the 8.5″ issue, it can be very handy to be capable of overcoming the gag reflex. }:-) Muahahahaha!
Geez, Egan. You don’t know Monsieur Monsieur? What kind of child of the 80s are you?!?
I know Phats was asking you, not me, but I have to chime in and say that I would run as an elephant-ass or pedestrian. Actually, most politicians should be shot. And all people incapable of self-government should be stacked like cordwood into a huge-ass bonfire. That oughta take care of the ozone layer for a while!
Phats – I see you’re not showing your bias. Um, jury duty is a pain in the ass, but so is democracy. Represent for the teachers of this great country. Honestly, the fact that you aren’t a registered voter really really bothers me. Sorry, but that’s how I feel.
Candace – if you tell me you’re not a registered voter I’m shutting this blog down forever. What the fuck is so scary about jury duty and voting? I’m appalled by anyone that’s not a registered voter. Okay, I can’t even think about this anymore without getting pissed off.
I’m not touching the gag reflex comment. Sorry, I can’t know all the one hit wonders, but I do know all the Milli Vanilli lyrics.
One hit wonders, my ASS, Egan! They were a 2 hit wonder, no doubt about it! Geez! Who could forget Kyrie Eleison? OK, I do have the album. Milli Vanilli? So, you come by the 6 foot Vanilla thing honestly. I bet you had it on your nametag. Ish.
I AM a registered voter Monsieur Munki. But I don’t do jury duty.
okeh umm get over it. It doesn’t make me any less of a person that I am not a registered voter. I take my right to not vote or register to vote. I am fine with it 😉
Maybe if we get a candidate that elects to raise teacher’s salaries, then i will vote! WOOHOO
BTW I think you take me wayyyyyy too seriously, i am a fun loving joking kind of guy
PS, *I* might enjoy a six foot vanilla. }:-) If he was a registered voter and lived fire and cats – but not combined.
Ooopss loved. Crap. Takes all the panache out of it, doesn’t it? Note to self: don’t drink wine and post if you already suck at typing.
Candace – don’t be silly, every one hit wonder has two songs that make it. They put out the first and then the second one. The second song is typically only slightly different than the first. You’re unbelievable. Remember EMF? It’s pretty easy to get out of jury duty. Yes, I do like Milli Vanilli.
Phats – I’m done obsessing, but it really does annoy me. Even if you’re not into politics, you should still be a registered voter. Okay, I’m done. I bet you really are registered, but you’re just messing with me. That’s the truth right? I won’t touch your voting for the right candidate thing. Hugs?
Candace – oh boy, someone is a tad bit drunk. I picked my neighbor’s front door tonight. I’m so cool. Fire fire fire.
Candace – hey, you said panache and used it correctly.
EMF? OK, you win. No clue who they were. ElectroMagneticFuse? Extreme MoFos? Effervescent Munki Fricassee?
Damn, you ARE cool! I woulda just burnt the door down. It’s not actually “burnt” is it, though? It’s burned. Something that has been burned is burnt. Pleh. Oh well.
I love the smell of panache in the morning.
PS Is your favourite Milli or Vanilli? Mine is Daniel Craig.
PPS all your fire talk is making me hot.
Candace – the whole burn, burned, burnt thing is tough to keep straight. Good thing I’m not homeschooling anyone. Panache in the morning? Here’s more information on EMF.
Candace – Rob, he’s my favorite of the Milli Vanilli stars.
Burnt Panache – you should throw back a few more drinks.
ElectroMuckingFagnetic. Cool! Too bad I have to attempt to log into MySpace to see the rest.
Rob – Rob Reiner? I knew you were a log hugger.
On your advice, I attempted to throw back another one, but I missed and int went over my shoulder and splattered the wall.
ohhhh! Unbelievable. OK, I remember now.
Unbefuckinglievable!
Candace – you obviously don’t know your Milli Vanilli trivia. The two frontmen of the notorious band are Rob and Fab. Girl, you know it’s true. Have another one please.
Candace – EMF rocked
>100 comments on a urinal post?!?!?!
Well, shit. I obviously need to study my lame-ass bands of the 80s a little better.
EchinaceaMasticatingFreaks did have a decent song, I’ll give you that. Bet you don’t know Yaz. Then again. . .
Can you hear me?
I’ve been calling all day.
Can you hear me?
Oh… Milli Vanilli. Rob Pilatus, RIP 😦
oh man you caught me i was just getting your grill I am really registered 😉
HAHA Hugs I thought that was funny
I’m out of smartass comments.
I’ll think of some and come back later. Although I’m resisting the obvious “This blog makes ME gag TOO!” in response to Ruben.
I didn’t mean SIT DOWN and pee – I meant to stand like you do at home.
As for our comment about the average penis being about 8 inches long when flaccid (AKA LIMP) – ok…right.
As for stage fright – I feel for men in general. 😦
ChickyBabe – don’t be jealous, half the comments are my own. I’m a rather boring individual.
Candace – of course I know the band Yaz. I’m hip remember?
Loudlush – holy shit, that’s right… he is dead isn’t he? My bad.
Phats – damn you man, damn you. So you’re really registered? How cool is that. You fooled me.
Ubie – you have all the good comebacks. Hey, aren’t you supposed to be wearing one of those cheesehead hats or something?
Tricia – yes, we men have a very very rough life.
What men typically do in a urinal is urinate.
That is so true. What they “untypically” do is deeply intriguing.
“Monsieur Egan, je suis tres heureux d’enregisterer un commentaire sur ton blog. S’il te plait, ne me lance pas une merde de chien. Il y en à assez à Paris…”
Winters – Ca va? Merci pour ta visite et bienvenue a mon blog. Yes, the things that happen in the W-C are very intriguing. I love dog poop by the way, surtout sur les trattoirs. A la prochaine fois!
Why do you think it was an employee?? Was the turd wearing a Nordstrom’s name tag???
If you love dog poop, come on over. We’re dogsitting. He’s really, really barky, and poops a far amount. I’ve resorted to calling him Egan when he’s bad. It makes him put his ears and tail down.
Cats are SO much easier.
Snavy – returning to the scene of the crime. I don’t know, just a hunch.
Candace – no naming a dog after me please. That dog will be doomed forever. Okay I got to get to bed, early and long day tomorrow. Go Egan!
wait, are we somehow gearing up to the implication that the turd in the urinal was somehow dog poop?
Mez – I think Candace thinks dog poop is funny. I happen to think Candace is funny though, but she’s a hoot. The turd in the urinal wasn’t dog poop. It was definitely of the human variety.
I was just expanding on a theme you brought up, Monkey Boy.
Are you saying I’m a boob? And would that be a good thing or a bad thing? 😉
My SIL once dropped a poo from her daughter’s diaper in a parking lot. We laughed our asses off speculating about peeps who might come across it and wonder how the hell it got there. What can I say?We were young (and yes, she was too young to be having a child, but c’est la vie), and very immature. And no way were we picking it up again. I think you’re the only person I’ve ever admitted this to. You must have that effect on people. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
In one bar they had sign in men’s room:
“You, the one who pee cigarette butts. Please contact your doctor.” Signed “Concerned bar staff”
“I chuckled to myself when I first saw it…”
That’s what she said.
Ew.
I go away for a bit, and come home to… crap? Literally?
I bet it was you who turded in there. You just haaaaad to brag about it…
Candace – this is one of those things you never had to confess, but you did. Now I will call you a boob and in the nicest possible way.
Dobermann – that’s a great sign. I love it.
*Pixie* – good one. I lobbed that one up there for someone. I’m happy to see you utilize this.
TayRez – nope, definitely not me. I don’t like to shit in public. I avoid it at all costs. Welcome back.
A nice, pert boob, then? 🙂 There are worse things, to be sure!
Candace – of course there are worse things. Being a frat boy is the worst thing imaginable.
Eeeeew! Frat boys! 😛
Candace – yep, they suck. I heard the Piano Man song this weekend while at bagel place and the fuck helping me (most likely a frat boy) couldn’t stop singing the song. I had to use lots of willpower not to climb over the counter and strangle the moron.
You are a better man than I am (well, I sthat’s a given, huh?)
People are assholes.
Candace – you shouldn’t say those things about yourself. You’re a good ass kicking pyro.
Pants – yes, you could say that.. and you did.