Public Enemy #5A

So everyday my wife and I carpool to work.  I typically drop her off in front of the building and then I park our car in her company’s parking garage.  I work across the street from her so this makes life very simple.  The garage is a seven story structure with many tight angles.  The posted speed limit in the garage is 5 mph. 

We all know that’s an impossible speed to drive, but driving through the garage at 20 mph is a bit dangereux.  Many pedestrians (and their offspring) make their way to and fro in this parking garage.  What’s also ridiculous is how some of my wife co-workers park their cars and tailgate others as they drive through the garage.  Some routinely take up two spaces for their behemoth cars/trucks.  I find this highly annoying. 

In fact there’s this one guy who drives a newer Cadillac who insists on driving through the garage as if he was evading police.  Tangent time: well, this cop scenario isn’t really a joke.  I saw him pulled over by a cop one morning as I was topping off the MINI with some petrol.  The Seattle cop was nice enough to let him off easy, sans ticket.  I followed the jerk back to the parking garage and watched him peel out in his then bitchin’ Camaro.  What an ass.  Tangent over: fast forward to present day and the guy traded his Camaro for a new bitchin’ black, equally shitty GM product, Cadillac.  Instead of taking two spaces when parking, Mr. Important parks in three spaces horizontally. 

Cockster I’ve been working on a way to get back at the fool for a while, but I thought spitting on his door handle was a bit tacky, leaving notes wouldn’t work, and spreading shit on his windshield was too mean.  Yesterday the oblivious moron, Mr. Important, parked next to the MINI on my left side.  When I went to get the car at lunch for my afternoon swim, I decided it was payback time.  I crouched between my car and his car and extended my right index finger.  I scribbled "I"m cocky" on the right side of his car.  Vindication!! Hopefully it will go unnoticed for a few days.  Hey, at least I’m not taking yellow ribbon magnets off cars anymore!


About lessinges

Seattle native, discovering life! I like ice cream, cold cereal, and The Amazing Race.
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58 Responses to Public Enemy #5A

  1. Amanda says:

    OMG. That’s classic. And you took a picture to prove it. Hilarious, monkey boy. Absolutely hilarious.

  2. egan says:

    Amanda – I’m ruthless and that’s about all that needs to be said. Good thing he didn’t get the “horns”.

  3. ms. sizzle says:

    i am glad to note that it shouldn’t rain here until the weekend so that little message will be spread across the land. tee hee!

  4. egan says:

    Ms. Sizzle – yes, that’s my hope too. I’m sure he didn’t notice my graffiti for awhile since he wouldn’t approach that side of the car. Rain isn’t in the forecast for a few days. Imagine that, no rain.

  5. Burr-ee-toe says:

    hehehehe. Good job Egan! Although I would have gone one meaner and wrote “I’m an asshole”. But maybe I’m just a potty mouth.

  6. meno says:

    Good for you. I hate those pricks that feel like their precious car is entitled to 2 spaces.
    Thank you for this little bit of vicarious revenge, i shall treasure it. Let us know if it’s still there in a few days.

  7. egan says:

    Burr-ee-toe – I have to control the rage a bit. Remember the parking garage is full of my wife’s co-workers. If I got “busted” then I could totally talk my way out of the “cocky” remark. The asshole one wouldn’t be so easy.
    Meno – yep, it’s a huge pet peeve of mine. This guy routinely takes up 2-3 spaces. If he doesn’t want anyone near his precious car he should park his bitchin’ ride on the top floor near only the seagulls roam.

  8. Curare_Z says:

    I actually have never understood why people like that DON’T park on the uppermost parking level, where no one parks. I mean, when you park like a jerk in multiple spaces, you’re MORE likely to have someone ding your car (or write “I’m cocky” on it) than if you did that on the top floor.
    Here’s to hopin’ people point and laugh when he drives by.

  9. egan says:

    Curare_Z – my point exactly. Why risk it, park a bit further out in the lot or on the top level. This guy is very full of himself so I’m sure he doesn’t figure he’s doing anything wrong.

  10. kim says:

    you’re just a baddd boy egan
    i love it !

  11. Jules says:

    I used to work at a hospital and there were hundreds of overpaid doctors with fancy-shmancy cars who parked like total douchebags. Then everyone got mad when the parking lot had to be labeled as “full” because there was no where else to park because of their douchebaggery. I’m glad I don’t work there anymore…

  12. L says:

    AHAHAHAHA! You were taking yellow ribbon magnets off cars? NICE! Now I understand better your disparaging remarks about GM products the other night. You should’ve written what his ego emissions are.

  13. Cake Lady says:

    What I like to do in this type of situation is to scotch the back tires with bricks. If he has to back out of the space then you place the brick behind his tires (slightly to the inside of the car, so it’s not noticed). In the case of a speeding asshole down my street where my GI Joe plays, If it happens more than once, I stop the asshole crouch down like I’m kneeling to talk to him, what I’m actually doing is dropping about 20 roofing tacks under his car so that he drives over them after flipping me off and cussing me. I love my piglets and would do just about anything to protect them. Oh, then after he has rounded the corner I sweep up the roof tacks.

  14. egan says:

    Kim – well I’m really not bad. I am a giant teddy bear. Well I’m not really even giant. I’m a snuggly white bear that formerly appeared in tv ads.
    Jules – hello and thanks for stopping by my blog. I see you like the douchebag. It’s one of my favorite terms, but I don’t douche. Anyways, enough about my hygiene. Hospitals eh?
    L – ego emissions, I’m very impressed. Mr. Important’s ego emissions are high, very high. Some day it will bite him in the ass though. Yes, I’m not a fan of the yellow ribbon magnets.
    Cake Lady – this tack thing of yours is even too sinister for me. I couldn’t do that. Tires aren’t cheap to fix. I’m mixed on the speeding in “kid areas”. People shouldn’t be speeding no matter what in high traffic pedestrian areas. Are kids valued more than people such as myself? I think you know what I mean.

  15. Margaret says:

    Good job, the shit spreading had poor logistics even if you were mean enough.

  16. Chris says:

    A true kindred spirit! I’ve done some pretty evil things in retaliation for things like that but that was way back in the days of my youth.

  17. egan says:

    Margaret – it’s way too complicated to spread shit and then there’s the whole fingerprint thing. Where would I get shit, would I use human waste or not?
    Chris – this was a fairly benign payback. He likely won’t understand why someone would do that to him. He walks with a swagger.

  18. circe says:

    Good one, Egan! Just the right amount of justice. I get torqued with cars taking up 2 spaces, but 3 is totally unacceptable. Totally. Love the pic…

  19. Brooke says:

    You should have called him an asshat. Or a fuckwit. Or a douchebag. Oh the possibilities!

  20. RIGHT ON!!!!!!!!!! I wish I could see a video of that happening, the whole scenario! Very very funny and GOOD for you!

  21. Burr-ee-toe says:

    Ohhhh… right. I might have anger issues. haha.

  22. Jay says:

    Nicely done, sir!

  23. egan says:

    Circe – yep, three spaces is way too many and this guy is one cocky mofo. I want to break him down.
    Brooke – there are many possibilities. Mrs. Lessinges would probably kill me if I wrote the asshat thing on his car. I think this message paints a clear picture. Next time I will just draw a small penis on the side.
    steppingoverthejunk – ah, I never thought to record it as a video. Good tip. Perhaps I didn’t want it to be used against me in a court of law.
    Burr-ee-toe – has anyone ever accused you of having anger management issues?
    Jay – thanks. You like the exclamation point?

  24. egan says:

    Pants – everything I do, I do it for you.

  25. danasaur says:

    That is fantastic. You must keep us updated if he doesn’t notice it for a couple days.

  26. Pants says:

    Look into your heart and you will find…?

  27. Tall Chick says:

    What does the yellow ribbon magnet mean to you?
    Do you also remove red ribbon magnets? Pink ribbons? Rainbow ribbons?
    Are you a colourist? Do you see in full spectrum? What time is it there when it’s raining?

  28. Tall Chick says:

    just closing that tag for Pantsy ^_^

  29. Chris says:

    Lest you misunderstood me – I am all for the payback dude.
    I get so pissed when people take up multiple spaces.
    One time some jerk blocked me in and at that time, I had a 1976 Ford Granada. So I rammed into his rear bumper so hard that it attached itself to my front bumber and when I backed out, the bumper came along with it.

  30. Freya says:

    Cocky is the word of the day! Well done, matey. You rock. And you roll. How was soccer?

  31. The Grunt says:

    This is weird. I swear I left a comment on here this morning. Anyway, good for you, Egan. This guy definitely needed taking down a peg or two. Filling their windshield wiper fluid container with urine is also a good one, if you can swing it.

  32. mez says:

    oh my god you rock so many different ways. I HATE car park hogs!

  33. Mr. Fabulous says:

    Did I detect a Dead Milkmen reference?
    Very cool!

  34. Tall Chick says:

    OMG, I just realised that you used the term “car pool” for driving with your spouse! ^_^

  35. sandra says:

    I like it. Vandalism which is easily cleanable. Good revenge!

  36. Dan says:

    I got hung up on the first line and couldn’t get any further.
    Whew … what’s this world coming to??
    (Just teasing, but you know that, you lovable lunk.)

  37. Burr-ee-toe says:

    Egan… that would be a yes. I might have been required by the University to seek psychological assistance in college after punching my roommate. Oops.

  38. egan says:

    Danasaur – I looked for his car today and didn’t see it in the garage. I will check today when I go for my afternoon swim. Hey, thanks for stopping by.
    Pants – I’m only allowed to sing one sentence of Bryan Adams songs per day.
    Candace – I have an entire post or two dedicated to the yellow ribbon magnets. I’m not sure how to answer your colourist or rain question.
    Tall Chick – you’re too kind. I fixed the open tag for Pants.
    Chris – you took the bumper off some guy’s car? That’s pretty extreme. They don’t make cars like they used. Now they don’t break. The Ford had to be a tank.
    Freya – soccer was okay. We lost 3-0, but were short two players. It was a fun game and I got some exercise.
    The Grunt – or I suppose I could just urinate on the car too. Getting the hood open is a lot of work with my right hand. You probably did comment and didn’t know the word verification thing popped up.

  39. egan says:

    Mez – yeah, car parking hogs are real pain to society. They are the “line-cutters” plaguing the planet.
    Mr. Fabulous – are we talking about skinheads and bowling?
    Tall Chick – what’s wrong with the term “car pool”? I’m not implying anything dirty.
    Sandra – how are you? Yeah, this kind of vandalism is just right. I’ve got other ideas for future strikes such as a small penis drawing with “actual size may vary”.
    Dan – I’ve reread the first (and paragraph) about five times after reading your comment. I’m confused. Yes, I’m a married man.
    Burr-ee-toe – please please please tell me you’re kidding. You didn’t really punch your college roommate did you?

  40. Tall Chick says:

    Hee hee!! You make me laugh! ^_^

  41. egan says:

    Tall Chick – I guess if you reread the first paragraph as much I have this morning, then you could think I was implying raunch, but I wasn’t.

  42. Phats says:

    hmm are we back in HS? haha!
    Did he even notice it?

  43. snavy says:

    What an ass!!!
    The cocky guy, not you.
    I love the tangent.

  44. Burr-ee-toe says:

    Sorry, not kidding. I punched her and sent her to the hospital. The following year, I punched my ex boyfriend and broke his nose. Oh Lord.. and then at my best friend’s lacrosse game,I punched a guy that called me a bitch. I’m sorry. I know you’re disappointed in me.

  45. Cake Lady says:

    I never considered what tacks in a tire could do. I’ve only done it once and will never do it agian.

  46. egan says:

    Phats – I have no idea if he noticed. Yes, I am in high school. Now let me have my lovely assistant Burr-ee-toe punch you in the face for your smart ass remark.
    Snavy – I’m full of many tangents.
    Burr-ee-toe – ouch, I’m honestly a bit shocked. I don’t know anyone that goes around punching people.
    Cake Lady – that’s cool. I’m just saying because tires aren’t cheap and they could cause a slow leak and then lead to a sudden tire blowout.

  47. Burr-ee-toe says:

    Well I haven’t done it since college, which was over 6 years ago. Does that make you feel better at all?

  48. egan says:

    Burr-ee-toe – I suppose. Is any of that rage still bottled up inside or do you have an outlet for it such as running?

  49. Nessa says:

    I was wondering who took my yellow ribbon magnet Saturday. Give it back.

  50. Tall Chick says:

    No raunch. Just amusing. I assumed you were talking car pool with, like, other people, when in fact, you were yusing the term for family. I heard this one lady tried to count her fetus. ^_^ Do you think that if you really, REALLY had to go it might count too? It’s worth a shot?

  51. Tall Chick says:

    PS I would read your diatribe on the “come home safely” magnets but I can’t figure out how to search in this bloody blog. :-/

  52. ChickyBabe says:

    I can’t believe:
    a) you did it
    b) you took a photo
    c) you blogged it!

  53. egan says:

    Ramblingmuse – thanks. I have future sayings running around in my head.
    Nessa – I will only give it back if you can guarantee me the money is going towards a charitable cause.
    Tall Chick – carpool only implies one other person in the car. Sure it’s my spouse, but it’s still a carpool. I’m not going to touch the fetus comment for fear of getting an abortion debate started. I big turd might count, you should try it.
    Tall Chick – I had a search bar on my blog once, but I didn’t like how it worked. I might have to try it again.
    ChickyBabe – you have a few valid points. I guess someone could read this and figure out I was the asshole that scribbled on his car. This is a small risk to take. I like my chances.

  54. Burr-ee-toe says:

    The running is an outlet. And the kickboxing classes. 🙂

  55. Evil Genius says:

    You’re totally my hero!!
    Hey, check out my blog – you’ve been tagged! (buwhaahaa, just when you thought it was safe and I was gone for good, I come POPPING back!!!!)

  56. Hal says:

    Oh man, I hate pricks who take up multiple spaces so no one will scratch their precious vehicle!
    Nice work, Egan. I am so not worthy!

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