Double Tall Skinny Lawsuit

SteamWho says sex sells? Wait, everyone knows sex sells. America is full of prudes? In case you’ve been living under a rock (or just not in Seattle) there’s a titilating new way one can sell sex coffee in our fair city. The talented Candace first brought this to my attention about a month ago. Awesome, now the news has gone national as it was featured on ABC’s Nightline program Wednesday night. You can read this article to get all the newsy details or you can read my slant on this.

I’m sure most of you are well aware Seattle has an intravenous caffeine drip. There are tons of coffee stands throughout the greater Seattle metropolitan area. Drive-thru espresso stands are very popular, meaning you don’t usually drive more than half a mile before your next fix. In an effort to entice more customers, some of the stands are now serving “sexpresso”. Yep, the baristas are younger curvaceous women wearing very little clothing. It’s a novel concept and seems to be working. Thankfully there are many other drive-thru espresso stands ripping off this idea. Oh hey, remember when McDonald’s got sued for the hot coffee thing?

Anyways, I’m not one to miss out on a great opportunity. Are men the only customers who happen to buy coffee drinks at those naughty drive-thru espresso stands? What about the women customers? Are they expected to ogle the bosoms of the baristas or will there be men in the mix? [Light bulb goes off]

Get out the g-string Egan! I love my g-string/Speedo collection; check. I love making coffee; check. I love meeting new people; check. I love making tips; check. I plan to open my own brand of sexpresso shops catering to the female coffee patrons and men that like to stare at other men. Finally, I’ve waited 33 years to find my business calling and now it’s crystal clear. Thanks scantilly clad female baristas for showing me your beaver brevΓ©. The recent publicity will only help me get established and should totally discourage thieves and perverts from frequenting my own sexpresso stand. I need a name for my new endeavor, Hold the White Stuff. Perfect. I look forward to any clients you can send my way. The future Baby Singe thanks you too.
—————
Would a woman really want one of these teddy bears as a Valentine’s Day present? Vermont Teddy Bear wants us to believe women desire them. Guess what? Their late night tv ad I just watched is also using sex to sell the bears. We’re not prudes. A very busty woman receives her teddy bear at her cubicle and a couple women get jealous of the teddy bear. They begin to talk about the teddy bear like it’s an Eight Inch Personality. “Oh, can I kiss it?”. I’m not a teddy bear hater by any stretch, but would a woman really appreciate a teddy bear from a man out of his teens? This is why I love Valentine’s Day.
—————
TODAY’S RULED OUT BABY NAMES: Mike, Nutella, Oswald, Prussia, Qualude, and Reggie.

Advertisements

About lessinges

Seattle native, discovering life! I like ice cream, cold cereal, and The Amazing Race.
This entry was posted in Current Affairs, Flirting with Homosexuality. Bookmark the permalink.

58 Responses to Double Tall Skinny Lawsuit

  1. mez says:

    They’d have to find me a stuffed toy that actually fit my personality. Like a Teddy bear who was also an idiot or something. Or eeyore toy. I love eeyore.
    Drive-thru espresso?
    I ❀ seattle.
    I know there's always a bunch of girls that will argue that they just love looking at women in bikinis doing normal everyday stuff like wow, we're so liberated now that we can choose to lower ourselves and do this shit. Personally, not only do I find it degrading as a woman but also as a person. I don't even want to see men doing it. Gross, talk about breaking about a kazillion occupational health and safety laws! Keep the gloves on mister!
    HOWEVER…they would totally get me in if they promised to come around and take out the garbage or mow the lawn on the 12th coffee I purchase! πŸ˜‰

  2. Chris says:

    I’m guessing you are feeling better. Here are some possible names for your alternate version of Sexpresso…
    Creamers Coffee Shop
    Speedo’s Cafe
    McCreamy’s Caffeine Emporium
    The Penis Cafe
    Espresso Shot o’ Love
    That’s all for now, it’s only 8:45 am.

  3. Mone says:

    I’m glad you wont name your kid after a bread spread, egan.
    Those ladies should watch out for their health, isnt it cold in Seattle?
    πŸ™‚

  4. Mone says:

    Espresso Shot o’ Love sounds great!!

  5. Amanda says:

    Dude – I will drive to Seattle to come to your shop if you do that. And the name?? I about spit my iced coffee (served by a girl in a tight white shirt) all over my keyboard when I read that.
    Do those teddy bears do something special besides dress like Chippendales? I mean – do they have any hidden talents?

  6. Amanda says:

    p.s. Thursday is already better.

  7. Amy says:

    My favorite of the teddy bears is the 15″ Horny Devil. However, the Red Hot Playbear Bunny has a great coffee shop costume. Of course, one would need to make a few modifications to the costume to avoid a lawsuit.

  8. christine says:

    Since I am in the process of moving I happen to be going through all my stuff & throwing out the trash. I have tons of stuffed animals that my Ex bought me over the years. They were appreciated for about 30 seconds, then discreetly stashed somewhere where other adults wouldn’t see. As a woman, I don’t want toys for Valentine’s Day. At least not *that* kind of toy πŸ™‚

  9. Rachel says:

    Why didn’t Heffner ever come up with this idea? It would have made him a millionaire…oh..wait!
    If these whorista’s want to flaunt their stuff to sell coffee, more power to them. Do they realize that they are viewed as nothing more than a cheap knock off of a Hooter’s Girl but with fewer tips?
    If they combined this sex sells type of marketing with barely clothed men and women working at an adult themed Build-A-Bear that it might make me review my hatred of stuffed animals as a gift for an adult.

  10. Chris says:

    okay, I have a few more:
    Coffee with a Bang
    Les Singe’s Privates Cafe
    Coffee and Dos-Nuts Shoppe

  11. Rachel says:

    Oh…and I bet the coffee splatters don’t feel so great either.

  12. Rachel says:

    How about:
    Buy Coffee Here: Teabags Are Free.

  13. ms. sizzle says:

    aren’t those girls freezing in such a small amount of clothes? the heating bill must be outrageous.
    i’m clearly too practical.
    i would never want someone to give me a stuffed animal as an intentional gift. ever. unless, of course, they won it at a carnival for me. that’s the only exception.

  14. tori says:

    I actually hate the whole idea of Valentine’s Day as a holiday where we are supposed to show our affection. A person should be showing their special someone that they care every single day. If you need a holiday to remind you, then it is meaningless anyway. I am not a “stuff” person and would hate to be given a stuffed animal. I’m probably way too practical for my own good. My husband knows the way to my heart is to put thought into the gift and make it something home made or unusual. It makes me a very difficult person to buy a gift for so I bet he is thankful that all I requre for Valentine’s Day is a kiss, just like every other day.

  15. egan says:

    Mez – you may heart Seattle, but you keeping stealing my heart with your comments. This is exactly how I feel. It’s degrading and just plain dumb. I made espresso drinks for seven years. I couldn’t imagine doing the job without an apron. You have to wipe off the grinds and all that other shit somewhere. Not to mention the very hot steam and liquids. The health department will keep a close watch on these places I bet. This novelty idea will last 18 months tops before they are gone. That’s my bold guess. Anyways, Seattle is still a cool place and there are plenty of fully clothed espresso stands to visit.
    Chris – I’m actually feeling worse and home sick today. But oh well. I love the Espresso Shot o’Love name. I might have to suggest that one.
    Mone – it’s cold in Seattle, but if you’re a whorista.. you don’t give a shit because some guy twice your age stuffed a twenty dollar bill in the tip jar for his $3.50 beverage.
    Mone – I agree with the Espresso Shot o’Love suggestion. It’s golden.
    Amanda – so you want the white stuff or not? Kidding. Sex does sell, but these whoristas are setting themselves up for plenty of thieves with more money in their tip jars. I don’t think the teddy bears do shit. So typical of them.
    Amanda – so happy to hear today is better. That’s awesome.

  16. Amanda says:

    I kept thinking about this post. It boggles my mind. What are your feelings about tips for people who earn an actual wage? Are these whoristas (awesome name, by the way) going to make the waitress wage so they can earn tips? Or are they going to be making $7-8 an hour? I have a hard time tipping someone who makes an hourly wage. I worked at a coffee place for about a year & we weren’t allowed to put a tip jar out because we made a wage. What did you do when you made coffee?

  17. egan says:

    Amy – I think there are some funny teddy bears, but I’m still thinking this isn’t the kind of gift most women would really want.
    Christine – hello and welcome to my blog. Now that’s an answer I like to hear. I appreciate your honesty on this stuffy subject.
    Rachel – more power to them, but it’s inviting very creepy men and lawsuits. Hooter’s, what a shithole that place is. Talk about a lame idea. They’re basically a notch below strippers and I can’t stand going there. Hefner probably could take credit for some of this as his publication did a Women of Starbucks issue about 3-4 years ago.
    Ms. Sizzle – not only are you practical, but you’re wise. This idea is flawed in so many ways. I’m with you on the carnival thing.

  18. lord f says:

    qualude and nutella are perfectly good names. frankly, my poo-flinging fake internet friend, i’m growing rather concerned about your ability to choose a decent name.
    huggin kittens,
    lord f

  19. egan says:

    Tori – I’m right there with you on this Valentine’s Day holiday. Treat your loved one(s) nice all year long. There’s no need for this stupid day.
    Amanda – I’m actually all about the tips in the service industry, even if they earn an hourly wage. It promotes good service and makes an employee strive to do their best. Bad service has its repercussions when a tip jar is present or where one receives tips. When I was barista I had a tip jar, but I was also the only one working, slicing cake, busing tables, answering the phones, flirting, and running the whole place. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with tip jars. If you don’t feel like tipping, don’t. It’s optional. I typically made about $20-35/night and it was a nice reward.

  20. Amanda says:

    I never mind tipping when deserved (especially if flirting is involved) – I’ve just always been curious about how it works. Most of the espresso places in Nebraska consist of teenage/early 20’s girls who sneer when you ask for no whip cream.
    I have never had the opportunity to be served by a real barista, so I’ve never been inclined to tip regularly. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on it. Now I must tear myself away from your blog and try to get some work done today. If I come back & comment again today, please reprimand me.

  21. egan says:

    Amanda – I will never reprimand you for commenting on my blog. Tipping a barista isn’t the same as tipping your server at a restaurant though. With a food server I start out at 20% and then increase or decrease the tip based on what happens during the meal. With espresso, it’s usually just petty change. I worked at a place that didn’t take debit or credit cards so it really helped bolster my tips. Sneering is a bad idea. Flirting is the way to go. I was such a slut though, I would flirt with the men too.

  22. ChrisTx says:

    I’ll have to visit those when I am in Seattle in April πŸ™‚ I suppose its no worse than Hooters, or a lovely ‘mountain’ themed place called Twin Peaks up here…
    btw, Qualude Prussia… think of how original and horrific that would be at the same time πŸ™‚

  23. sandra says:

    Wow…booth babes, but with caffeine.

  24. Rachel says:

    Egan ~ In no way was I trying to express that I thought that Hooter Girls are high class. Just the opposite. I have a HUGE issue with the objectification of women. It doesn’t matter to me if they choose to objectify themselves or not. The issue is that I have is that women ( and to a lesser extent, men) are being viewed as consumable products instead of a person with a mind and soul in addition to the body that is on display. If one woman chooses to objectify herself then it seeps over into every aspect of her life and also impacts the lives of others who view her that way.
    **stepping off the soap box now**

  25. egan says:

    ChrisTX – Twin Peaks, now that’s a name they should be using for their coffee stands. You’re coming here in April? Is it work related or are you meeting a blogger? Using both those names together is just inviting your kid to become a druggie.
    Sandra – I prefer to call them whoristas. Booth babes works, but sounds like women in a peep show.
    Rachel – no worries mate. I figured you weren’t a big fan of the Hooter’s women. I’ve tried having a conversation with a few of the Girls at Hooters. Not a good thing.

  26. Bob says:

    I thought this was appropriate. Just to let you know that sometimes we are way behind the times:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Betel_nut_beauty

  27. egan says:

    Bob – you never cease to amaze me. Where did you find this? I wonder if one of these sexpresso owners saw these and thought it could work with espresso. You’re a genius Bob. By the way, Liam is a name we really like should the kid be a boy.

  28. L says:

    Have you heard about the female valet drivers down in LA who dress in stillettos and short skirts and have hair down to there and boobs out to here? I am so sick of all this hypersexualization. It just makes me wanna go home and fuck.

  29. furiousball says:

    man, careful with the steamer…
    The Banana Hammock

  30. The Grunt says:

    Egan, don’t do the G-string! You’d be getting a lion’s share of tips if you were a buckskin loin-cloth wearing barista. That’s the way to riches, my friend.

  31. egan says:

    L – you’re totally jealous of these women aren’t you? You can’t fool me with your hypersexualisation comment. I’m on to you young lady. This valet service sounds intriguing. I might have to take a trip to California to observe this behavior.
    Furiousball – you’re correct. Be careful with steamer. Perhaps I should freeze my swimmers before opening this business.
    The Grunt – a loin cloth? I knew there was a reason I loved you. This is a fantastic suggestion. I will share my profits with you. The g-string is so 2005.

  32. kelwhy says:

    Egan- I love the idea of you doing that – I’ll have a 6 ft vanilla please… [raising my eyebrows suggestively at you]
    ROFL – too funny…

  33. egan says:

    Kelwhy – I’m so glad you made the six foot vanilla connection. See, this could be a goldmine. I’m working on my business plan right now. Heck it beats sitting at home and surfing blogs all day long.

  34. Amy says:

    Yes, you are right. The bears are funny, but I wouldn’t want one. Stuffed toys just become clutter.

  35. ChrisTx says:

    work related… SakuraCon. (anime convention) Apr 6th-8th I believe.

  36. Churlita says:

    I was a barista for almost 15 years. I’d be terrified of all the burns if I had to be half-naked and serve espresso.
    As far as drug related names are concerned, my daughter went to school with a girl named Resin – Freakin’ hippies.

  37. Phil says:

    I’d love to read their work contract. Are waxes subsidized? Is it like Macca’s were they can’t wear their uniform outside of the work, so they can they still wear a bikini at the beach? Do they still have to wear a hair net if they are preparing food?

  38. Amanda says:

    Ok, My work day is over so I can comment again.
    I realized that I haven’t commented about your denied names. While Nutella is a delicious hazelnut spread that I never get to buy because it cost an arm and a leg, I would agree that it is probably not the best name for a child.

  39. Leezer says:

    Egan:
    I haven’t seen the sexpresso shops but because I live in Seattle, too, I’m not surprised. I’m thinking of practicing law with only my bra on. I wonder how that will go over.
    P.S. Teddy bears are lame.

  40. Hannelie says:

    So much for Health and Safety occupation?!
    There was a hardware store one who tried topless women to see if it can increase sales, not sure if it was here, SA or USA, saw it on the news many years ago. I personally think I will feel uncomfortable getting served by these women.
    And no, no teddy bear, but thanks for the offer πŸ˜‰

  41. Eunice says:

    1/2 a mile Egan? Come on, tell the readers the truth: it’s 500 feet.

  42. snavy says:

    everyone is still wearing all their clothes in our coffee shops … dang

  43. Candy says:

    Wow – I watched the commercial for the teddy bear… it’s done like it’s some sortof spoof or SNL skit. Seriously.
    I’d appreciate a teddy bear if Nick made it or something – I do have a soft spot for bears and have accumulated something of a collection over the years as gifts and those I’ve made, but that vermont bear commercial is just a little bit creepy. And although it may be sweet, it doesn’t scream “NOW I WANT TO DO YOU”. Haha. “I can’t wait to give him my surprise”. HAHAHA. Wow. I’m having a hard time getting over that commercial.
    If you hold the white stuff does that mean no whipped cream?
    I’ll have to help get those coffee shops in MN. It’s always been my dream to be objectified by men, and they seem more open to those that hooters might reject.
    Please name your baby Nutella. Did you ever hear about the couple several years ago who issued a statement saying they would name their baby after any corporation or company willing to pay them a million dollars to do so? Nobody made an offer. Good thing, too. Poor child. Could have been named Wells Fargo or Tampax.
    Okay, this is really random now.

  44. Janice says:

    I slung coffee in Halifax for 2 years. My coworker and I wanted to have a musical called Latte!. We had ideas for songs like ‘Lament of a IPS Major’ and ‘Oh, Why Do I Have To Make the Tuna Salad Again?’
    We wanted to wear holsters for the espresso hammers, cowboy boots and smiles.
    If you do open your shop, there is a non-dairy creamer in Japan called Creap. Seriously. It would make a great addition.

  45. Women in bras serving coffee? I might just be interested enough to take it up as a drink!

  46. Phats says:

    I was too tired to read this whole thing but I wanted to leave something.
    Crossing out Nutella, say it isn’t so!

  47. ChickyBabe says:

    That teddy has got attitude. I’d want to see him in a g-string!

  48. egan says:

    Amy – stuffed animals can become clutter. I actually have one, but that’s it. It’s a sentimental thing for me and makes for a great pillow.
    ChrisTX – April is a great time of year to be in Seattle.
    Churlita – I know exactly what you mean about the burns thing. I guarantee the coffee drink quality at these places isn’t so great.
    Phil – all I know is that short and curlies are included for free. How cool.
    Amanda – is Nutella that expensive? I have a tough time even finding it. Maybe you can make a trip to the grocery store with me?
    Leezer – you and your nudity. You lawyers are all the same. Just kidding of course, my buddy is a lawyer so I mean no harm by that comment.
    Hannelie – I don’t blame you for feeling uncomfortable with purchasing drinks from them. Rule number one in most businesses, don’t alienate have your population of potential customers. That’s also why these places won’t last.
    Eunice – I was guestimating, but you could be right. I love the stands in front of hardware stores.
    Snavy – thanks most baristas are still wearing clothes. It makes like much simpler and better for our health.
    Candy – ha, use your imagination on the “hold the white stuff”.
    Janice – maybe you could name your coffee musical Creap.
    Malnurtured Snay – it’s tempting, but I’m guessing it won’t last. Seems like a bad idea if you ask me.
    Phats – Baby Nutella sends her love.
    ChickyBabe – the teddies are badass and not cheap. I can model a g-string too.

  49. Bob says:

    Thanks for the praise. I found the betel nut women by looking for example shots for my photoclub at work. Or at least that is what I want people to think πŸ™‚ We would be proud to know another Liam.

  50. egan says:

    Bob – huh, photogroup at work. This sounds very very suspicious. I’m on to you mister. Liam will never show up on the Ruled Out Baby Name list.

  51. Hypersonic says:

    I like my coffee like I like my women, hot, black, strong and sweet.
    Starbuck’s sucks.

  52. egan says:

    Hypersonic – are you trying to piss me off with your Starbucks comment? You do know my wife works for them don’t you? Do you like your coffee dark?

  53. Tall Chick says:

    Ooooh! You still love me in spite of my bad blogginess! Thank you! πŸ™‚
    J’ADORE the name you chose for your sexpresso bar. Brilliant! But what if we WANT the white stuff? Does it cost extra? Other possible names you might consider:
    Beans ‘n’ Bulge
    Six Pack ‘n’ Joe
    The Creamery
    Hot Stuff
    Liquidators (with a Terminator theme ^_^)
    Star*ucks
    Starnuts
    Manbucks (this makes me giggle)
    Darn – no inspiration tonight. πŸ˜›
    I don’t think you should rule out Nutella. I love Nutella. Of course, I enjoy Nutina, too. Would you consider Nutina?
    Jaichan isn’t kidding about the Creap. I’ve seen pics of the packaging. :)h\

  54. egan says:

    Tall Chick – of course I still adore you Candace. You’re on top of things. I think Hot Stuff would be a wicked good name for a male sexpresso stand. The white stuff is free of charge, but takes a bit longer than whip cream to make. You know.
    Nutella is the shit. Now I’m craving it and must find it this weekend. I will report back to you. Jaichan is an honest person so I trust her and you. I’ve learned not to doubt my commenters. Have a swell weekend.

  55. CSL says:

    Jeez, I hate that about the cofee shops (except for you opening a shop – go for it). Can’t people just buy coffee anymore?
    And, no, we don’t want stupid teddy bears.

  56. Nessa says:

    I think pictures are definitely in order to determine the viability of your new business venture.

  57. egan says:

    CSL – maybe they will hire a new mom and they can serve up very fresh steamed milk. Seriously though, it’s stupid and won’t be around in 18 months. I guarantee lawsuits, crooks, and perverts will close them down. I didn’t think you wanted any teddy bears. Thanks for confirming.
    Nessa – hmm… I will work on a picture for my store, Hold the White Stuff. I can sign a copy too.

  58. celeste says:

    I don’t know how or when I missed this post, but I’m sorry I did. Its priceless! Thanks for the laugh Egan πŸ™‚

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s