Energy Crisis Averted

Daylight savings happens this weekend.  I can hardly contain myself since it means I will be able to do more stuff after work with additional daylight hours at my disposal.  I could mow the lawn, yank weeds, go for a bike ride, swim naked in the lake, knock on neighbor’s doors asking to borrow peanut butter, or simply streak up and down our streets.   So much to do with increased amounts of daylight, a boy can dream.

Okay, enough digressing though.  I have a very serious agenda for this post.  The reason daylight savings was bumped up four weeks this year from its usual April date is to hopefully conserve energy.  That’s how it was explained in 2005 when legislation was passed for the current adjustment.  There seems to be quite a bit of debate about whether or not daylight savings really does conserve any energy.  Studies suggest as little as a 1-2% energy reduction at most based on the fact it will be darker in the morning hours and won’t offset energy usage at night. 

This is all well and good, however as a potential presidential candidate in the 2012 elections I might suggest the following ways to conserve energy instead:

  • force able-bodied people to use the stairs more often vs. elevators.
  • provide tax credits to consumers who buy hybrid cars.
  • sin tax for cars/tanks that get less than 15 miles/gallon.
  • give every household a free Clapper.
  • more sex equals less electricity usage  –> sex credits
  • in the winter months, force the sun to stay up with Superman’s help.
  • encourage commuters to bike to work by providing cash incentives and/or free deodorant.
  • hairdryers must be solar powered.
  • touching yourself is okay since it could prevent a population explosion  –> masturbation credits.
  • complete ban on jet skis and snowmobiles for recreational purposes.
  • one night a week will be candle-powered  –> sex credits
  • television is only permissable if you watch 24, The Amazing Race, Extras, Beverly Hills 90210, Intervention, The Office, or Little House on the Prairie.  (*items in bold submitted by readers with my approval)

Please vote for me in 2012 since I got your blogger back!  With your help, we can bring bloggin’ back!


TODAY’S RULED OUT BABY NAMES: Max, Sophie, Cliff, Dakota, Duncan, and Hannah.


About lessinges

Seattle native, discovering life! I like ice cream, cold cereal, and The Amazing Race.
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50 Responses to Energy Crisis Averted

  1. tori says:

    I so wish there was a hybrid minivan. With 4 kids, there aren’t any hybrid cars that fit all 4 car seats…although I bet we’d get a lot of sex credits.

  2. egan says:

    Tori – how about a Toyota Highlander hybrid? Those are pretty spacious. The popular Sex Credits are on their way. Just sign here!

  3. *pixie* says:

    Great suggestions except the television one. We must be able to watch the following: Heroes, My Name is Earl, and The Office. Otherwise, you’ve got my vote.

  4. egan says:

    *pixie* – I do agree with The Office and added it to the list of approved shows. You like NBC I see. Yah, one vote for me.

  5. lord f says:

    i would never vote for someone who flings poo or watches 24. seriously, w looks like he flings poo. alas, he only manages to kill people. yay him!
    are there no incentives for those of us who are not upping the population by keeping the sexing to ourselves? masturbation credits coming my way!
    hugs and votes in 2012,
    lord f

  6. lord f says:

    dammit, i hate word verifications. cut that shit out.
    lord f

  7. egan says:

    Lord F – I will ignore the way you talk about 24, but I did make an adjustment to the list of acceptable energy saving measures.
    Lord F – I don’t control the word verification stuff. It’s turned off. It comes on sporadically for some people and I don’t know why. Is Robin Leach still alive?

  8. justrun says:

    Alright, as long as you don’t ban boats. Then, I couldn’t in good, American, redneck roots conscience give you my vote.

  9. egan says:

    Justrun – so it sounds like you won’t be voting for me? I’m hurt. Or are you voting for me? Your comment is confusing like political rhetoric. Boats are okay, but make sure they stay out of swimming areas. When I do my open water swims for triathlon training, there’s nothing more annoying than a boat parked inside the no wake zone spewing gas fumes in the air. Sorry, I had to vent.

  10. mez says:

    For err.. one.. of those I would have so many extra credits I could bathe in them a la Scrooge McDuck!
    Also you forgot the most important one – repetitive steel toed kicking in the nads of people who drive SUVs but don’t have more than 4 children.
    I’d vote for ya. Do you really know superman?

  11. egan says:

    Mez – you kill me with your confession. I own a pair of steel toed shoes for the kicking part. SUVs really get a bum rap. I mean when you get down to it, what’s wrong with a huge piece of machinery that’s prone to rollover and is about is fuel efficient as riding on a lawnmower? I guess getting tax credits on this behemoth vehicles is fair compensation. Superman and I go way back. It’s all about the curls.

  12. The Grunt says:

    Phew! 24 is safe.
    May I make a suggestion to your energy plan, Egan? Obese people must wear cords (as in the pants) and have a special retainer shroud around their pelvic/thigh area in order to capture the resulting thermal energy production.
    Skinny people can do this too, but they’d have to walk like they are trying to hold back a serious bowel movement.

  13. Pants says:

    Do you have a plan for monitoring sex and masturbation credits?

  14. Burr-ee-toe says:

    Hannah banana is out? Bummer. I like your superman idea. Go check my blog and you can see my new ring!!

  15. egan says:

    The Grunt – I love the suggestion sir. The energy created by friction from cords needs to be tapped. I will pass this on to my energy specialists. Skinny people can participate too. They can do the sorority girl walk which is a close cousin to the “power walk”, arms swaying, hips a movin’, etc.
    Pants – wouldn’t you like to know. Remember the webcams in the bathroom? That’s only part of the story.

  16. egan says:

    Burr-ee-toe – wow, you’re engaged. There goes my chance to hook you up with some really cool gentlemen. This is big news, make sure you do your part to conserve energy… if you know what I mean.

  17. Burr-ee-toe says:

    hehehehe… yes, I will do my part to conserve energy. Candlelight, right? Wink wink.

  18. sizzle says:

    the bad thing about daylight savins is that it falls on the morning after tequilacon. ouch, my head!

  19. Pants says:

    Yes! Bathroom! Webcams!

  20. celeste says:

    Dude! only 11 days until I, too, can start earning sex credit! 😉

  21. egan says:

    Burr-ee-toe – yes, wink wink. I know what you’re up to there young lady. You’re engaged. I remember those days. You ready to plan?
    Sizzle – may we can appeal to Mr. Bush to change it to the following weekend?
    Pants – see, I knew we could rally behind the bathroom webcam idea. Solidarity!
    Celeste – naughty girl. Well not so naughty, it’s more about patience than anything. Eleven days has probably never felt so long.

  22. Amanda says:

    “and/or deodorant”
    I can’t stop laughing at that for some reason. Either/or – you can make it part of your incentive or not. Whatev. You can come back to me in an hour and I’ll probably still be giggling over that. Too classic.
    If you streak up & down your street, please be sure to have someone tape that. At least tape the ladies peeking out their windows. Because that is what would be funny about that.

  23. egan says:

    Amanda – I made that comment from personal experience. Many of my co-workers bike to work. I did it once last year and opted not to take a shower once I got to the office. I’m guessing my co-workers could smell me a mile away. Perhaps we cancelled each other out though, stink on stink. To avoid a repeat event, I ditched the bike and went back to carpooling with my lovely wife.
    Streaking could be photographed or filmed. I currently do it, but it’s under the cover of darkness and nobody knows it’s me. I’m really sneaky like that.

  24. Phil says:

    Will there be a wrist sprain offset deducation for health insurance premiums? I see the rise of repetitive strain injuries.
    Surely we can harness all this sex energy. If you use a water bed that is hooked up to a wave action generator you could power the television enough to even watch soaps in a clear green concsience.

  25. egan says:

    Phil – do you own a waterbed sir? Are they still made today? The wave action of the wrist or actual sexual activity? I am a firm believer in a clear green conscience so this will get passed on to my conservation folks. I will work with the health care companies and make sure wrist injuries are covered. Happiness is important.

  26. Pants says:

    I got so excited, in the name of Daylight Savings, that I streaked up and down my friend’s street with slutty lingerie on the OUTSIDE of my clothing.
    I’m not sure what this has to do with anything, but felt you needed to know.

  27. Burr-ee-toe says:

    I’m ready to let my sister plan! haha. I have no idea where to even start, so I’m lucky that my sister is a stay at home mom and willing to do the research.

  28. patches says:

    Is that 15 miles/gallon highway or in town? Never mind…qualify either way..barely but do I get extra points for car pooling? I always ride shotgun in the jeep, never could master a stick shift…..which means I can’t cash in on those sex credits….what if I conserve water by, licking myself clean instead?

  29. CSL says:

    You’ve got my vote. But I’d add Mythbusters to the TV list. Even though I don’t actually get TV right now (ooh, surely I get some tax redits fo that?)

  30. lord f says:

    so, you will only post tee vee show suggestions from readers of whom you approve. your grammar, there, was tres not chic.
    here’s my suggestion, although i’m sure it will not meet your approval: parker lewis can’t lose (which aired immediately before bh-9er back in the day).
    lord f

  31. Maria says:

    Count me in …. do you have a campaign manager?

  32. Farmgirl19 says:

    We’ll see if you opt for that biking thing when you have a baby to strap to your back.

  33. meno says:

    I’m only voting for you if i can watch Project Runway. How’s about we just give people 4 hours of TV a week and they can fritter it away on the shit shows you endorse if they like.

  34. Rachel says:

    How about people who want to watch more than 1 hours of television have to ride on a staionary bike that is attached to a windmill, thus burning calories & generating energy.
    Add the cord pants, double credits.

  35. Amanda says:

    Did you try and cover your stench up with cologne? I have to say, I would much rather smell sweaty stink than a whole bottle of Cool Water (or whatever shit this guy at my work douses himself with everyday). But that’s just me.
    Make me do my homework. Give me reason. Why didn’t I just go to college after high school like everyone else? I’d be done by now.

  36. I’m excited about this, it’ll mean my car might still be warm when I get out of class at night!

  37. Crashdummie says:

    Hmm you have a good point and if I could I’d definatly vote for:
    “in the winter months, force the sun to stay up with Superman’s help.”
    But that’s just cuz I have a thing for superheros…

  38. naynayfazz says:

    I want to get a hybrid car. I am looking into it now. I am totally for some of your ideas as well. Sex credits… definitely, Masturbation credits….. fun, and everyone getting a free clapper…. Egan for president!
    Also, I love Duncan Sheik A LOT. But I too would never think of naming my kid that. What the HELL were his parents thinking?!

  39. Chris says:

    I’ve been researching Hybrid cars lately and while I agree that the tax credits are a great idea for now, and should be extended beyond the current “first 60,000 sold” – ultimately, I think the Federal gov’t should contribute to the R&D effort to make it so that only hybrid cars are produced and there are more choices to the consumer without ahving to pay apremium. Also, the batteries should be guaranteed for the life of the vehicle – did you know that a replacement battery averages $7,500 – and while the are supposedly buit to last the life of the vehicle, none of them are guaranteed for that long…why? Instead of being asked to contribute $3 to a presidential election fund on my federal taxes, ask me if I would contribute $3 to a federal insurance fund to warranty hybrid car batteries for life, then my answer will change to a yes.

  40. Tall Chick says:

    I was so excited/inspired by this that I just ran out and did a practice run of naked somersaults down the street. Unfortunately it snowed last night, and now I have frostbutt.
    I love your ideas. Especially all the sex credits. I didn’t know they were making bigger hybrids now. How cool! I wonder if there will be a used one available by the time Cyd dies.

  41. col says:

    FYI – One of my cats is named Sophie.
    What bank would keep count of all of these sex credits?

  42. Chris says:

    col, that would have to be the sperm bank….
    I can’t believe I jsut said that on someone else’s blog – Egan – feel free to delete

  43. egan says:

    Pants – I sense a reawakening of your mind, body, and spirit. Streak on my friend, streak on.
    Burr-ee-toe – okay, but you better get involved too. It’s actually kind of fun to plan a wedding.
    Patches – what’s this about stick shift and sex credits? I like the connection you make there. It’s not easy to drive a stick, someone has to guide you through the process for it to work correctly. Tax credits for you!
    CSL – I’ve seen that show a few times and do like it. I will entertain the idea of adding it to the list.
    Lord F – oh no, you’re one of those grammar police eh? I’m stoked to have someone comment on my grammar. It makes my heart flutter. Can I offer you a Twinkie™? I remember that Parker Lewis show, it wasn’t so great.
    Maria – no I don’t have one. Would you be willing to work for free? I don’t have a bunch of moolah on the side. Wait, you teach kids… of course you’re willing to work for free.
    Farmgirl 19 – oh really. So you’ve never seen a parent biking around with a kid on their way to work in a downpour? Who says this applies to parents? You can pick and choose. Maybe you decide to skip the elevator once a week instead.
    Meno – that’s a tough one. I never understood the hype surrounding that show. It does nothing for me, however I kind enjoy America’s Next Top Model so I should shut up.
    Rachel – now that’s a brilliant idea. I’ve done something similar, minus the cords. I’m passing this idea on to my energy conservation manager.
    Amanda – you will be relieved to know I don’t use cologne. I think Davidoff’s Cool Water is alright, but it’s just too much. A swipe of deodorant usually does the trick
    Malnurtured Snay – isn’t daylight savings so exciting? Warm car is good. Cool car is bad.
    Crashdummie – hello and welcome to my blog. Superman can do anything so why not use him to prolong the daylight hours in the winter months? Hey, thanks for the visit.
    NayNayFazz – my wife and I would love to get a hybrid also. I was pleasantly surprised by the Prius. It’s damn roomy inside and now offers a leather package. I will be mailing you a free Clapper soon. Clap on, clap off, The Clapper!
    Chris – I do like your idea. Research & Development are key. I just wish some of the manufacturers (i.e. American car companies) weren’t so reluctant to adopt the hybrid technology. Are you sure about the battery thing? I think they fixed that problem. That was a problem with first generation Priuses and I understand they fixed that.
    Tall Chick – who the hell is Cyd? Yeah, there are bigger hybrids and I’m sure more and more in the future. An SUV that gets 30 mpg in the city is pretty amazing if you ask me. You’re lying about the naked somersaults. You can’t fool me.
    Col – you have a cat named Sophie? Was that by choice? Stupid joke, “Sophie’s Choice”. Now I feel really dumb for explaining it. A sperm bank.
    Chris – ha, like that’s a bad thing to say. SPERM BANK. There, now you should feel better. I wouldn’t delete your comment ever.

  44. lord f says:

    a certifiable grammar nazi, i am. of course parker lewis was a silly show, but i hearted it and you should have, too.
    here are a few more suggestions (if i can play twice):
    you can’t do that on television
    danger mouse
    count duckula
    remote control (bestest game show ever, kari wuhrer is so hot)
    married with children
    12 oz mouse
    aqua teen hunger force
    dr. katz
    home movies

  45. egan says:

    Lord F – you’re a piece of work and I mean that in the best possible way.
    Oh boy, I had the biggest crush on Kari as a boy. She went on to do crappy B movies after Remote Control retired. Dr. Katz is very humorous. I love sketches involving manatees. The grammar nazi inside of you is sexy.

  46. Tall Chick says:

    One look at my chapped ass would tell you I wasn’t lying. Rolling yes, lying, no. It’s too cold to just lay there. (but if I did, “would you lie with me and just forget the world?”)
    Now you know who Cyd is – my blue-green friend. (Cyd, not you)

  47. egan says:

    Tall Chick – you worked that song in there quite masterfully. Hats off to you. I should let you know whenever I hear that song now, which is often, I think of you and your lovely family. See what you’ve done to me! You see what happens when you mess with Monkey Boy! Will Cyd love me?

  48. Sorry Egan – don’t mean to bring you down, but daylight savings was intr’d just this summer (without a referendum)down here and particularly in the heatwaves, it’s impossible for the kids to sleep before about midnight and that doesn’t make for a good start in the morning(which is still dark at an hour when it shouldn’t be – grr)
    Just say no to daylight savings!
    How about Petula?!

  49. Maria says:

    Cheap shot Egan … cheap. shot.

  50. egan says:

    TheDailyMagnet – aw, thanks for the clarification. Australia confounds me. I’m perplexed by everything from Down Under. The way the water flushes freaks me out. Okay, just say no to daylight savings. Is there a rally cry?
    Maria – my bad friend. You know I meant that as a joke because you rock. Peace be with you.

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