Mad MINI Driver to the Rescue

New post in the works…. busy weekend and such….

——————

While I type up some vaguely interesting tale, you can enjoy this blog version Mad Libs™ brought to you by the extremely talented Patches.  (*bold faced words are my random additions)

——————

Well, it all started when Erik Estrada and I decided we were bored. We loaded up the MINI with water balloons, Bartles & Jaymes, girlies, and love. We drove for 69 miles until we came to a fork in the road. Which way should we go?

If we veer of to the left, we will risk being attacked by hideous prairie dogs. But the view from the summit is breathtaking and totally worth sporting a glass eye. In order to reach the peak, we must gather provisions, first. We pull off on the dusty road and walk cautiously into the edge of the coniferous forest. We only walked half a mile before we discovered Paris Hilton and Wilfred Brimley. This was much easier than we could have hoped.

When we returned to the MINI, I was alarmed to discover that I had left the window down, and crazed squirrels were sitting in the car. They demanded that I relinquish my sexy g-string. What was a Monkey Boy to do?

Perhaps a display of manliness would be enough to save the day. brazenly, I ripped open my seersucker pants and yodeled in my monotone duck voice. The squirrels were so intimidated by manliness, they converted themselves into transvestites and hitchhiked to Duluth. Monkey Boy saves the day!

To express his gratitude, Erik Estrada offers me his immense heart as a token of his undying appreciation. Perhaps I will have it bronzed later to place on the mantel next to Anna Elizabeth’s baby shoes.

We resume our trek in the MINI driving foolishly up the winding switchbacks. All of a sudden we were forced to stop abruptly when a wicked brown bear appeared in the middle of the road. Erik professed to have experience with such situations and left the safety of the MINI. I clenched the water balloons, in case he needed my help…

Gallantly, Erik clutched some water balloons, a skill possessed by few men of his girth. This is one reason he is such a foxy man. I bowed, as a sign of my respect and offered him an iPod sock.

Once again we continued our ascent into the coniferous forest. When I glanced in the rear view mirror, I noticed Paris Hilton was busy plucking her nose hairs. Wilfred Brimley was putting the moves on her and bragging about his connections in the expanding porn industry. Paris just fidgets her butt cheeks and farts. Wilfred looked utterly aroused.

The road began deteriorating rapidly as we approached the summit, the journey would be completed on foot. Paris could not be trusted to haul the water balloons or the Bartles & James, so we left her in the MINI to make out with the other girlies. But the other girlies were far more naughty than she, so they groped breasts, took her shiny hair clip, and locked her out of the MINI.

Before reaching the peak, we heard a faint meow. Erik looked into the trees and spied a frightened tuxedo cat clutched in the arms of an unsuspecting Bob Dole. Being the tallest, I tried climbing the tree so that I might rescue the kitty, but I was unable to get enough leverage. Thinking quickly, I hugged Wilfred and stood on his back to pull myself up onto a lower branches. When I reached the kitty, I leaned over and whispered "they call me Six Foot Vanilla" into the politician’s ear. I took his kitty and passed it to Erik.  As we looked out over the sunset together, the kitty whispered, "Thank you for saving me from the clutches of Robot Egan, Paris Hilton, and boredom.

-The End

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About lessinges

Seattle native, discovering life! I like ice cream, cold cereal, and The Amazing Race.
This entry was posted in Blog Fodder, Officially Bizarre, Storytelling. Bookmark the permalink.

45 Responses to Mad MINI Driver to the Rescue

  1. egan says:

    Patches – you are first. Damn those cat-like reflexes of yours. Now, I must polish off the real post.

  2. patches says:

    Does this mean I get to write the post for you? Oh goody…
    Well, it all started when (Insert proper noun here) and I decided we were bored. We loaed up the mini with (noun), (noun), (noun), and (noun). We drove for (insert # here) miles until we came to a fork in the road. Which way should we go?

  3. Burr-ee-toe says:

    I hear ya. I painted the condo this weekend. I don’t know how to get paint out of my hair. 😦

  4. egan says:

    Patches – go with it… I have to see how this unfolds.

  5. patches says:

    Does this mean I get to write the post for you? Oh goody…
    Well, it all started when (Insert proper noun here) and I decided we were bored. We loaded up the mini with (noun), (noun), (noun), and (noun). We drove for (insert # here) miles until we came to a fork in the road. Which way should we go?
    If only I could edit as quickly as I type

  6. egan says:

    Burr-ee-toe – don’t remind me about painting. I gots to get my groove on in our basement bathroom. I hear Goo Gone™ works wonders on paint in the hair. Or try honey.
    Patches – hey, you forgot to close your italics tag. Good thing I’m on top of things. I will take the left fork.

  7. egan says:

    Well, it all started when Erik Estrada and I decided we were bored. We loaded up the MINI with water balloons, Bartles & Jaymes, girlies, and love. We drove for 69 miles until we came to a fork in the road. Which way should we go?

  8. Amanda says:

    Shortest post ever?
    Only you could pull this off.

  9. egan says:

    Amanda – hey, this doesn’t mean I’m copping out. I have a lovely post about family arriving shortly. I blame Patches.

  10. Amanda says:

    Ok, I must stop commenting before hitting refresh. I got distracted and I was here and there were no comments. Then I finished my comment and hit post and there’s, like, a million comments already.
    Ok, not a million, but still. Not that the amount of posts would have dissuaded me from commenting. But I always like to read the comments before I comment and make sure that I don’t repeat something someone else already said. Or if someone has said something and I can add on to it. Or whatev.
    Ok, I take this blogging thing way too seriously.

  11. egan says:

    Amanda – you need to get a grip. Perhaps a bong hit is more to your liking. Gosh, it’s just a blog woman. Now, where were we?

  12. Amanda says:

    I know. I need help.
    I don’t think you’re copping out. This post just made me giggle is all.

  13. egan says:

    Amanda – if this post made you giggle, we may need to submit you to the nearest hospital because this post is just nine words long.

  14. patches says:

    If we veer of to the left, we will risk being attacked by (insert adjective) (insert plural noun). But the view from the summit is breathtaking and totally worth sporting a glass eye. In order to reach the peak, we must gather provisions, first. We pull off on the (insert adjective) road and walk (insert adverb here) into the edge of the (insert adjective here) forest. We only walked half a mile before we discovered (insert noun) and (insert noun). This was much easier than we could have hoped.
    When we retuned to the mini, I was alarmed to discover that I had left the window down, and (insert adjective) (insert plural noun) were sitting in the car. They demanded that I relinquish my (insert adjective) (insert noun). What was a Monkey boy to do?
    (Closing tags, it’s just like posting to my own blog, can you fix it for me?)

  15. Amanda says:

    Now Patches is making me giggle.

  16. egan says:

    Patches – this is like a Mad Libs on my blog. I think I will have to post this separtely when the tale is complete. Keep it up and I got your back on the tags.

  17. furiousball says:

    I 100% agree with this post. I have no doubt that there is a post in the works. I will go on the record as being on this record.

  18. egan says:

    Amanda – Patches is so damn good at this stuff. I got to stay focused on the prize.
    Furiousball – thanks for your compliance. One is in the works by me and Patches. Now I have some clever editing to do.

  19. patches says:

    Thanks for playing along!

  20. Nessa says:

    How dare you be too busy to post?

  21. egan says:

    Patches – it’s now become just a completely bizarre tale. Damn vermin!
    Nessa – I know, my mom once told me if I didn’t have anything good to say, then don’t say anything at all. I should listen to my mom.

  22. naynayfazz says:

    I love Mad Libs. It never gets old no matter how old I am.

  23. Amanda says:

    Wilfred Brimley…
    I can’t even type what I want to type because I’m having a “silent” laugh moment. No sound is coming out and it’s preventing me from typing certain words.

  24. egan says:

    Naynayfazz – you know one is never too old for games. That’s my motto.
    Amanda – you ate your oatmeal today right? Because… as he says….it’s ___ _____ _____ __ __ !

  25. logo™ says:

    wow
    That’s amazing I need patches to write my posts for me.
    Is there a sign up sheet for that?

  26. patches says:

    Perhaps a display of manliness would be enough to save the day. (insert adverb here), I ripped open my (insert color or pattern) (insert article you wear on your person) and yodeled in my (insert adjective) (insert animal species) voice. The squirrels were so intimidated by manliness, they converted themselves into transvestites and hitchhiked to (insert famous city name here). Monkey Boy saves the day!
    To express his gratitude, Erik Estrada offers me his (insert adjective here) (insert noun here) as a token of his undying appreciation. Perhaps I will have it bronzed later to place on the mantel next to Anna Elizabeth’s baby shoes.
    We resume our trek in the mini driving (insert adverb here) up the winding switchbacks. All of a sudden we were forced to stop abruptly when a (insert adverb) (insert adjective) (insert noun) appeared in the middle of the road. Erik professed to have experience with such situations and left the safety of the mini. I clenched the (insert noun), in case he needed my help…

  27. egan says:

    Logo – Patches has some mean skills. You should see her poetry and art combinations. Her blog on Fridays is the shit. Well it’s pretty awesome the other six days of the week too.
    Patches – you make me smile. Well done.

  28. brookem says:

    i love mad libs. would you believe that i have the dirty version? you probably would.
    i dont always read all the comments first, but im glad i did this time because i just read amanda’s “wilford brimley” and that gave me a good laugh.
    egan, remember when we had the discussion about how to pronounce “diabetes?” ha, wilford says it the way i dont like.
    ps- you love erik estrada!

  29. egan says:

    Brookem – of course I love Erik Estrada. Proof of my love for him to follow. Wilfred Brimley is the shit I tell you. I’m guessing the Thunder from Down Under has corrupted your mind for a few days. You should be back on track by Wednesday.

  30. meno says:

    Are you and patches stoned? C’mon, you can tell me, i won’t tell anyone else?

  31. egan says:

    Meno – nope, just in love with Erik Estrada and sipping herbal tea. Patches? Are you stoned?

  32. patches says:

    (insert adverb), Erik (insert past tense verb here) (insert object, if necessary), a skill possessed by few men of his (insert physical characteristic here). This is one reason he is such a (insert possessive noun here) man. I (insert past tense verb here), as a sign of my respect and offered him an ipod sock.
    Once again we continued our ascent into the coniferous forest. When I glanced in the rearview mirror, I noticed Paris Hilton was busy (insert verb present tense) her (insert object). Wilfred Brimley was putting the moves on her and bragging about his connections in the (insert adjective) (insert noun) industry. Paris just (insert past tense verb) her (insert body part) and (insert past tense verb here). Wilfred looked (insert adverb here).
    The road began deteriorating rapidly as we approached the summit, the journey would be completed on foot. Paris could not be trusted to haul the water balloons or the Bartles & James, so we left her in the mini to make out with the other girlies. But the other girlies were far more (insert adjective here) than she, so they (insert past tense verb) (insert body part), took her (insert adjective) (insert noun), and locked her out of the mini.
    Before reaching the peak, we heard a faint (insert animal sound here). Erik looked into the trees and spied a frightened tuxedo cat clutched in the arms of an(insert adverb) (insert adjective) (insert politician here). Being the tallest, I tried climbing the tree so that I might rescue the kitty, but I was unable to get enough leverage. Thinking quickly, I (insert past tense verb here) Wilfred and stood on his back to pull myself up onto a lower branches. When I reached the kitty, I leaned over and whispered (insert phrase of choice here) into the politician’s ear. I took his/her kitty and passed it to Erik. As we looked out over the sunset together, the kitty whispered, “Thank you for saving me from the clutches of (insert noun), (insert noun), and boredom.
    ~The End

  33. patches says:

    Stoned? Not unless coffee counts. But I am home alone.

  34. Rachel says:

    This is hilarious, especially the last line.

  35. egan says:

    Patches – I’m going to town on this final installment. Thank you for your contribution. My other story is complete, but I will leave this one up here for awhile.
    Patches – I love home time. Coffee can do weird things to the mind.
    Rachel – I was skeptical at first, but Patches has done a fantastic job.

  36. Burr-ee-toe says:

    Okay, goo gone or honey. So I can smell like oranges or winnie the pooh. It could be so much worse. I giggled reading your mad libs. I love Ponch and all, but I always had a thing for John.

  37. justrun says:

    OMG I LUV madlibs! 🙂

  38. Amanda says:

    Bravo!
    What mad Mad Libbing skillz the two of you have. I am truly entertained. The “Six Foot Vanilla” line sealed the deal with a snort-laugh. Again, Bravo.

  39. Cherry Ride says:

    I didn’t know you have a Mini. So do I, and it is spectacular.

  40. egan says:

    Burr-ee-toe – here’s the proof about my undying love for Ponch.
    Justrun – Patches can hook you up for a small fee. You back yet from your boat trip? Maybe I should check your blog to find out.
    Amanda – who doesn’t love a six foot vanilla? Some guy told me he wanted to bite me this weekend. Yum.
    Cherry Ride – yes, we have a MINI Cooper, 2004. It’s a great car. What are your specs?

  41. jungle jane says:

    All i saw was 69. After that my mind became distracted. Your blog is filthy, egan. filthy.
    xxjs

  42. egan says:

    Jungle Jane – well, you’re right. I think the sexual harassment video has turned me into a pervert. It’s like abstinence classes in high school, they only make you “crave the cave”. Shh, don’t ask.

  43. brookem says:

    back on track by wednesday? mmm… im hoping for the weekend at the earliest. i want to bask in this thunda.

  44. ChickyBabe says:

    I’m so glad I read this while drinking red wine. It makes a lot of sense.

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