She Went There

My lovely wife decided to read my post about getting pooped on and added this nugget:

Your Lovely Wife: But I was so glad that you called me at work seconds later with the [bird pooping incident] play by play. And don’t forget the time you pooped on yourself running down the hallway at our old apartment (I am pretty sure you have already shared this story on your blog, and if not, well you better get on it, baby)! This is what happens when I have time to read your blog…

There you have it as the cat’s out of the bag.  I can’t be the only one to experience this sort of unfortunate control event.  My wife and I were moving from a one bedroom apartment downtown to our first home in West Seattle.  Needless to say we were giddy about our new pad.  It was a big deal come moving day as the next time we’d unpack our belongings, we’d be doing so in our own house. 

Our apartment included a storage unit at the end of the hall.  I had some stuff to retrieve from said storage closet.  It’s very very safe to say I was gassy because of something I ate.  That’s the excuse I use all the time, but my wife claims air gives me gas.  I beg to differ.  A gassy bum is something that happens when I get excited.  I’m not proud of it… ha, who am I kidding.  Anyways, I was "planting" bombs all over the place and giggling like a 10 year old boy on a sugar high.  I was out of control and my wife was likely second guessing the exchange of vows that took place in Hawaii the year before. 

FktballThen it happened.  I ran down the hall, skipping like a fool.  I push again.  Oops!  This time something not so great went down.  Yep, went down.  I stopped in my tracks.  I glanced back at my wife, she looked at me, a smirk swept across my face.  My body did a 180 and my strut had to be modified right then and there.  The legs were wide apart, afraid to bend the knees for fear of things getting worse.  No words were spoken as the smirk jumped from my face to hers.  I hung my head, entered our apartment littered with cardboard boxes, and went straight to the bathroom.    For some, their epiphany is a speech by an inspiring person.  For me, it’s about never skipping in an apartment again.

Let’s hope my wife doesn’t hint at other stories.  I’ve got enough material to share without her ramming these unflattering stories down your throats.  Who does she think she is?  The boss of me? 


About lessinges

Seattle native, discovering life! I like ice cream, cold cereal, and The Amazing Race.
This entry was posted in Bathroom Humor. Bookmark the permalink.

69 Responses to She Went There

  1. Oh how I love this story for so many reasons and I love the wife even more for making you tell it.
    So you filled your socks up with some gravy huh? Nice!
    Next story is tampon breath. You know you have to spill the beans on that one right?

  2. Christina says:

    Just wow.
    I’ve heard people also poop themselves during marathons? So have you done it more than once?

  3. Big Bro says:

    this gets me to wondering…
    how much skipping can a smirking shameless shitter skip before the shameless shitter has shat his slacks and stops smirking to scoot to poot on the pot?

  4. Maggie says:

    Doesn’t this definitively prove she’s the boss of you? After all, you posted the story.

  5. churlita says:

    That’s beautiful. In my house when someone walks around releasing gas, we like to call that crop dusting.

  6. brookem says:

    Ha, I love your rendition of this story. How you say you “hung your head.” Sounds kind of… puppy like? And instead of saying “my legs” or “my knees,” I got a kick out of your use of “the legs” and “the knees.” Good story.
    I hope N-Po comments here more often so these gems can come out more often!

  7. sizzle says:

    That’s hilarious!

  8. Chris says:

    I have an I pooped my pants story but it takes place in the 6th grade…if you wanna hear it, I’d be happy to tell it.
    A little N-Po action..that’s hot.

  9. Cheryl says:

    Well, considering you DID post this, I would say that she does appear to be at least somewhat the boss of you. Just saying.

  10. N-Po says:

    Insert wide-mouthed, toothy, forced smile. You know the one…

  11. Pants says:

    “It’s poop again!”

  12. Pants says:

    The subject of accidental poop came up at a bbq last year…I was shocked to learn I was the only one who hadn’t accidentally wet or pooped myself. No worries though, I have at least another forty years to rectify that.

  13. Diane Mandy says:

    Two poop stories in a row???

  14. “Pants just called the shit poop!”
    I gotta say, while funny, this story didn’t help my nausea. Are you really going to write about poop all week long? Just wondering so I can prepare myself.

  15. Nilsa S. says:

    At least you hadn’t already packed the toilet paper. Can you imagine the story you’d have to tell then?! Everything is relative. And it’s all hilarious from this side of the internet!

  16. Vivavavoom says:

    wow…just ran across your blog from a comment left on mine and the last 3 entries all have to do with poop. very well written and descriptive though. not too great for someone just getting over the flu but hey, what can you do, shit happens. (that was SO bad…..sorry). If you have a child, you will have many more to write about.

  17. I’ve learned that when the Boy-child is Gassy, I need to yell at him, “Go Poop!”, and…voila…there it is. Maybe your wife should do the same to you?
    I’ve not so much pooped as peed…sneezing, laughing too hard. Even with Kegels, it just doesn’t matter!

  18. kelwhy says:

    yes, the boss of you – absolutely. I mean, really – you know you NEED a boss – and who better then her? 😉

  19. SSC says:

    Love this : “but my wife claims air gives me gas.”
    She is a riot I love that. Oh she needs to get a blog. I could only imagine the stories. Please Egan have her create a blog!!!!

  20. tori says:

    Where can I get someone to be the boss of me? Sometimes it is exhausting BEING the one who is the boss.
    I love that you posted the story. I love that she is the boss of you. Do you think during “poop week” here you could explain the “may throw poo” thing? I know I asked you before, but I don’t think it was ever explained.

  21. Cake Lady says:

    I hate to say it’s funny but…it must be said. That was funny!

  22. Gwen says:

    I don’t know if these are things I really want to know about you, E. You got a good wife, though, I’ll give you that.

  23. egan says:

    Essentially Me – well she didn’t force me to share this story. I generously offered to share it since she made a suggestive comment on my blog. You don’t know the tampon breath story? It’s not a huge deal. I think I already blogged about it somewhere. Let me hunt around.
    Christina – um, perhaps I have done it more than once. The marathon thing is very true. I have never done that, but I could see how it happens. During the Ironman, I had some issues and had to stop at every other set of Port-o-Lets.
    Big Bro – heaps of skipping. Skipping usually tempers the desire, but it’s not failsafe.
    Maggie – mais non. I posted the story because I sensed a theme on my blog. I’m the boss of me.
    Churlita – I’ve heard “crop dusting” and very much like that terminology.
    Brookem – if N-Po keeps commenting on my blog, I might lose all my readers. This is my attempt at reverse psychology. She’s an avid reader and seldom commenter. Glad you liked the story. I aim to please.
    Sizzle – will it ever stop? Yo, I don’t know.
    Chris – I love poop stories and I’m not a teenager. Yikes, I need to grow up. Bring it.
    Cheryl – I am my own boss. I make plans, do stuff, smile, wink, nod, say “yep”… I am man. Look at all this posturing on my behalf.
    N-Po/Your Lovely Wife – yes, I know the look well. You’re still not the boss of me no matter what you think. Get Shit Done Egan is in the house.
    Kurt – no way Jose.
    Pants – you sense a theme?
    Pants – not sure I believe you. I totally see you trying to force one out and suddenly feeling a warm dribble run down your inner thigh. I’m just saying.
    Diane Mandy – are you lovin’ it?
    Pants – yes, well done. I like snow pictures and heaps of clothing. You love shoveling snow.
    Sicilian Mama – I might. Consider this training for what lies ahead. You know how they say a cat owner’s house always smells like kitty litter? The same can be said for small children.
    Nilsa – if I had to tear off the corner of a cardboard box, I would have. Desperate times require desperate measure.
    Vivavavoom – hello and welcome to my blog. I know, the last three entries aren’t going to win me any new fans or writing awards. I just had to share these stories since they were on the tip of my tongue. We can agree that Ralph Nader is a prick though right? Coolio. Thanks for visiting.
    Mona – I like your thought process. Maybe I can be trained. I will set up a meeting with my wife and put this topic on the agenda. I love kegels, especially with lox.
    Kelwhy – noooooooooo, I am the boss of me. Nobody else controls me. I’m the boss.
    SSC – I’ve asked her to write a blog, but she won’t do it. She has a busy job and doesn’t like to kill her free time on the computer when we’re home. Hey, you only commented once. Well done.
    Tori – the “may fling poo” is more a reference to monkeys. I guess it ties into me being a bit of a shit disturber and acting like a monkey. Make sense? Glad you liked the post. Is your hubby ever the boss? Does he know he’s not the boss?
    Cake Lady – glad you liked it. I’m here for you and others to laugh at my expense.

  24. egan says:

    Gwen – hey, we all make mistakes yo. I got excited, jumped around a bit, and paid a dear price for my gassy jubilation. My wife does rock.

  25. Pants says:

    Know who I love? Rob and Fab.

  26. Lindz says:

    I accidentally laughed out loud (while in class).

  27. tori says:

    My husband is never home, so by default I am the boss unless my immaturity is acting up, in which case it is my 10 year old daughter. He knows he’s not the boss and is cool with it since it is less stress.

  28. tori says:

    He’s not home much because of work, not because he is avoiding us though…just wanted to clarify that.

  29. Yeah…and this is where I have to say that our house most likely won’t smell any different with a small child.
    I know, I know…people always say that and then it happens and they have to eat their words. But really? You seriously don’t know my husband…it won’t happen. That’s what you get when your husband is an obsessive compulsive cleaner. It’s also the reason why our house actually doesn’t smell like kitty litter. People are always surprised when they come over and see the cat and say “Oh! I didn’t realize you had a cat!” I know why, too. Usually you can smell the cat before you see it. Not so with our house. All because hubby is very anal about that kind of stuff.
    So, with all that being said, no more poop posts! Pretty please?

  30. SSC says:

    Is that a bad thing if I comment more than once? What are you saying are you telling me I can only comment once and to make it a good one?

  31. SSC – Ha! Egan has no such rule!

  32. JLee says:

    That is what we call a “shart” my friend. hahaa

  33. tori says:

    My house never smelled like poop and we had 3 kids in diapers at once. I think I might be like Sicilian Mama’s husband about that though.

  34. tori says:

    My house smells like cookies right now because I am baking.

  35. Cléa says:

    *shaking head in disbelief*

  36. egan says:

    Pants – yes, I know it’s true. (there was no other possible response to that comment my dear friend)
    Lindz – did you have to explain why? That would have been fun to hear.
    Tori – it’s really too bad your hubby isn’t home more often. I would really regret not seeing the kids grow. That’s my two cents.
    Tori – I knew exactly what you meant, but good to have the clarification.
    Sicilian Mama – oh boy, this will be fun to ask visitors about. You can’t be the judge of this either. Guests to your household. As residents of the house, our noses adjust. No more poop posts because of the nausea? I will stop at your request.
    Sicilian Mama – I miss her and Lost. Touché!
    JLee – I’ve heard that term used, it’s a good one. I like to say “I’ve had an accident in my pants” even at the ripe old age of 34.
    Tori – never? hmmm, hmmm, I’m skeptical of this. Like I stated with Sicilian Mama, we’d need an outside “nose” to tell us this. Your nose adjusts to the smell and it becomes normal. Did your kids not poop ever? Or did they kid that cool new gene for odorless poop?
    Tori – cookies, now that’s a good smell. It’s a common smell you’ll whiff in open houses. Realtors love that tactic.
    Cléa – not my finest hour, but laughable in hindsight.

  37. egan says:

    SSC – oops, you can comment as often as you’d like. Just ask Sicilian Mama about it, I don’t care. I was poking fun at you because your comments tend to duplicate. I think you get eager and hit the ‘Post’ button a couple times if you don’t see your comment. Try refreshing your browser next time, damn Internet Explorer. If I’m wrong about the duplicating comments, don’t hate me.

  38. Sicilian Mama says:

    You can post about poop if you want. I’m just jealous since I haven’t been able to lately.
    Oops…TMI? My bad.

  39. egan says:

    Sicilian Mama – I know exactly where you’re going with that comment. I won’t touch it. I will get something new up so we can shift gears.

  40. JQ says:

    He he he he. I’m sorry. I have an embarrassing poop story too, but I’m not sharing mine.

  41. egan says:

    JQ – see, I’m not that bad. We all have them don’t we? Those bowels can be tough to contain. Forcing farts isn’t always a wise decision.

  42. SSC says:

    I figured that is what you meant, I just wanted to clarify. Please forgive me as the flu has infected my brain.

  43. Essentially Me says:

    No worries about hunting. I’ll hit you up for the story.

  44. Kerry says:

    ROFLMAO!!! I’m so glad your wife reminded you of that story 😉

  45. La says:

    You are awesome. That’s all I can say.

  46. Pants says:

    Know which Milli Vanilli song is surprisingly awesome? “Take It As It Comes.”

  47. L says:

    Were you guys already married then?

  48. L says:

    Hey, what happened to my question that I posted, like 2 hours ago? I was asking if you guys were already married at this point.

  49. Hal says:

    While your blog has taken a scatalogical turn as of late, I think posting this story was a shrewd move. It’s out in the open now, so your wife can’t hold it against you in the future.
    Kind of a Hugh Grant strategy, doncha think?

  50. egan says:

    SSC – you can use the flu as an excuse this time. Next time I may not be as forgiving.
    Essentially Me – the brief explanation I offered should have given you a pretty good idea. I think that story won’t stand the test of time/blog.
    Kerry – yeah, me too. Now you all know a slightly different side of me. It also gave me a chance to write a fun story about an event without ever completely mentioning it.
    La – aww, now that’s very sweet of you. Thanks! Come by anytime and leave nice comments.
    Pants – that’s one of their “slow” sappy songs right? I can hear the jingle in my head, but can’t recall the lyrics. You better remedy the situation stat.

  51. egan says:

    L – yes, we were already married then. In fact you just reminded me of another poop related story I could share on this blog. Hmmm, I might have to make one more entry on this poop week.
    L – after 50 comments, you have to hit the “additional remarks” link to see comments 51-100. Typepad doesn’t like people to comment a lot; popularity is frowned upon.
    Hal – you’ve got a point, I look a lot like Mr. Grant too. Well, not really. I can tell you this, I haven’t met a hooker I didn’t like.

  52. JLee says:

    Boy, poo stories are a big hit! ha

  53. Steph says:

    You Sharted? lol, good work. Lucky for you, you were already married, that could be a deal breaker for some 😉

  54. Lynn says:

    Yep…she is definitely the boss of you:~) Thanks for the laugh.

  55. Eternity says:

    I haven’t been around in months and this is the story I get to read on my random visit… Sigh.

  56. mez says:

    ROFL, this is part of the reason why you’re so lovable Egan. Not the ACTUAL pooping mind you, but for the shameless re-telling of it <3<3<3

  57. Eunice says:

    That photo has already been posted on this blog.

  58. LOL!! Your wife is great! There’s nothing sexier than a sharting husband in a brand new home. 🙂

  59. Carrie says:

    Oh. Emm. Gee…

  60. Allison says:

    Fart and poop stories never grow old or lose their charm! I think everyone has, at some point in his or her life, “sharted.” No need for embarrassment 🙂

  61. egan says:

    JLee – I vow to not publish anymore poo stories for a while. I’m not sure how long that is, but I don’t want to be known as the blogger who talks about poo.
    Steph – yeah, I “sharted” alright. Ironically, I think my wife thought it was very funny. Maybe not what happened, but the way I reacted. She’s such a cool chick.
    Lynn – I’m the boss of me… on most days. Glad you liked the story.
    Eternity – hey, don’t fault me for your timing. There’s other stuff on there about a month ago where I don’t talk about poo.
    Mez – aww, now you’re so damn sweet. I had to tell the story since My Lovely Wife hinted at the story. See what I get for letting her know I have a blog?
    Eunice – you’re right and interestingly enough you’re the only one to comment on the photo. I put it up there to try and distract the masses from commenting on the poo. It only worked on you.
    Emmaenlighted – well we weren’t quite in the new house yet. We had ownership, but were still living in our tiny apartment.
    Carrie – you loved the story didn’t you? I knew it.

  62. SSC says:

    Okay wheres the new post?

  63. egan says:

    Allison – I think I bored myself though since I haven’t been able to conjure anything new. I will flex some mental muscle and get a new post soon.
    SSC – yeah, it’s coming. I’ve been a wee bit distracted the past 3-4 days. Thanks for the reminder.

  64. kurt (lake) says:

    running in vancouver is awesome! there are public restrooms every 500 meters..

  65. egan says:

    Kurt – would you ever dare step inside those public toilets? That question of mine does remind me of another poop story, but I will spare the masses.

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