Holy Emotions Batman

Somebody save me! Damn this Facebook nonsense and catching up with people of the past. I stumbled on a page yesterday which highlights students who passed away from my high school. I was caught by surprise when I stumbled on a picture of one of my brothers. A wave of emotions ran through my body I wasn’t expecting. It has been nearly 17 years since his passing, but the feelings are still quite raw. I’m pretty sure it’s because I see a lot of him in my daughter’s facial expressions. It saddens me greatly she’ll never get to meet him.

Efrobro2It probably didn’t help when I read nice comments left about my brother by his classmates. Maybe I’m just in a sappy mood. Let’s go with that. Learning about people who passed away who are your own age is rough. It really makes you think about the impact we leave on others. It’s interesting what people remember about others from the formative years of our lives. Is it odd that bloggers who have only known me for a year might even know me better than classmates who went to school with me for 12 years?

I spent a good portion of yesterday reading how students lost their lives due to car accidents or cancer. Combine this with planting ourselves in front of the tv last Friday night to watch the Stand Up to Cancer fundraiser. I suppose it’s safe to say I’m in a melancholy mood.


About lessinges

Seattle native, discovering life! I like ice cream, cold cereal, and The Amazing Race.
This entry was posted in Blog Fodder, Facial Tissue, Television, Who Edits a Blog Entry. Bookmark the permalink.

29 Responses to Holy Emotions Batman

  1. Golden or NTKTOK says:

    Anna totally looks like him.

  2. Golden or NTKTOK says:

    I think it’s a gift when we have children that look like loved ones that we have lost. My son looks a lot like my mother.

  3. egan says:

    Golden – yep, there’s something in the eyes. It freaked me out big time yesterday.

  4. egan says:

    Golden – that’s a fantastic spin to take. It can be a bit haunting, but it’s also wonderful to see the gestures/expressions carry on.

  5. Heather says:

    Wow. I hope there isn’t a page like that on Facebook for my high school….
    So sorry for the loss of your brother. I think pain like that doesn’t really go away, but just eases a little with time. I am glad to hear people are leaving kind messages.

  6. brookem says:

    i can only imagine the rush of emotions that stumbling across that facebook page brought up for you. on the other hand, it must have been pretty bittersweet to read all of the wonderful things people had to say about your brother.
    i bet that your brother not being here anymore is never going to feel normal. or something that you get “used to.” i guess the silver lining is that he is living on. in your memories, in you, in your baby girl, and most of all, in your heart.
    oh and ps- kudos to you for watching the stand up to cancer thingy. i didn’t have enough tissues in the house for that one. seriously i dont even know what it was totally about, but i knew it had The C Word in it, and i wasn’t able to do it.
    thinking of you buddy. hang in there.

  7. tori says:

    I couldn’t watch the cancer thing. I think I am just not quite ready yet.
    My 8 year old daughter looks just like my grandma. I see it the same way as someone above me wrote. That every time my daughter smiles in a particular way, or stands in a certain way I am reminded of my grandma and filled with memories of her. It used to make me sad, but now I am happy to get to experience something about my grandma again. Like a little gift.

  8. Nilsa says:

    Or maybe we bloggers don’t know you at all. I didn’t know you had a brother. And I’m sad for your loss. I think, as we age, we realize how precious our lives really are. Just yesterday, I found out a former co-worker has cancer. A form that has terrible odds of survival. News like that really makes me sit and look around at my life. And realize all the amazing things I have. And while you might not be able to introduce your daughter to your brother, she will know him. Through stories and pictures and thoughts. So long as you share those memories with her.

  9. sprizee says:

    I see so much of you in your brother’s pictures. I immediate knew that was your brother when the page loaded and the image appeared. It’s a great tribute to your relationship with him that this many years later you’re still so profoundly affected by the loss. I know what a terrific person you are now and, I’d guess, that he had a huge roll in the person you became. Memories that sting are probably some of the most precious ones of all. Hold on.

  10. kelwhy says:

    i had to turn off the SU2C thing – too much for me, i was bawling. I am going to go online and buy me a SU2C shirt tho – those are awesome.
    Yeah, it does make sense that the blogger world knows you better – as bloggers, we pretty much put it all out there for everyone or anyone to see. We sure don’t do that in the real world…

  11. ubermilf says:

    I’m sure it was like a kick to your solar plexis.
    Your brother’s time on this earth was short, but at least he touched people’s lives. Little pieces of him live inside you, your daughter and everyone who remembers him.

  12. brandy says:

    Damn you facebook. Seriously? I suppose this is one of those times where I say something unique and heartfelt that shows that I understand what you are saying, while admitting that I have no idea what it’s like to lose a sibling. I don’t know what that right thing is though. Instead I will say this- that I’m thinking of you, that I’m sorry that you lost your brother and that this post once again reminds me why Anna is lucky to have you and the Missus.

  13. justrun says:

    I think that’s incredible that you see your brother in your daughter. My sister’s son has so many traits of our grandfather that it’s really amazing and eerie at the same time. Overall, though, what a gift.
    I watched Stand Up 2 Cancer, too, and it was very well done. It’s meloncholy, but it also makes me hope.
    Thinking of you. 🙂

  14. meno says:

    Just say NO to facebook. really.
    I’d be devastated if i lost my brother and i’d never get over it, so cry away egan.

  15. Wow. How amazing that your brother lives on not only in your memories but in the memories of others. Shows that he was a very special guy. I can’t even imagine your initial reaction at seeing a picture of him on Facebook. Or the thought that someone else had put it there with the intention of honouring him. People are really incredible sometimes. And yeah, it’s possible that bloggers would know you better. You pour your heart and soul into your blog posts. Sometimes I feel that way as well with certain bloggers. Hope you’re having a good night. Say hello to Marvin for me! 🙂

  16. Pants says:

    Wow. I think I would have had a similar reaction…I couldn’t imagine losing a sibling, especially at such a young age. I’m sorry you’re having an holy batman emotional time. Hang in there.

  17. And yes, that was one of my first thoughts when I woke up this morning.

  18. ms chica says:

    Mourning is a freeforrm activity. No rules no structure, and unlimited surprises. I live in a facebook free home, so I never considered encountering an unexpected memory there…most of mine crop up in the bottom of cardboard boxes.

  19. churlita says:

    It’s weird how that stuff comes at you in waves, isn’t it? You won’t think about it for a while, and BAM! you can’t handle the ache of missing someone so much.

  20. Gwen says:

    I read the TIME article that said that 1 in 2 men and 1 in 3 women will get cancer. So, yeah: I’m with you on the melancholy.

  21. tori says:

    I hope you are doing ok. I have been thinking about you and how hard everything must have hit you. I’m thinking good happy thoughts for you.

  22. egan says:

    Heather – you’re very right, loss never completely goes away. It sneaks up on you sometimes kicks you in the gut.
    Brookem – this is a very sweet comment. I can tell you speak from experience. We all encounter loss at some point. It’s not fun, but we deal with it somehow. Your comment made me cry when I initially read it and it’s happening again. I know he lives in me, my siblings, and people he met. Same goes for my other lost sibling. Thanks for the support friend.
    Tori – the Stand Up to Cancer thing was tough to watch, but it was well done. I felt it necessary to watch given Nancy’s doing the 3 Day walk this week. We can’t pretend it doesn’t exist. Not like I need to tell you this. Thanks for your thoughts.
    Nilsa – you didn’t know I have a brother? Yikes, it’s right up there on the top of the blog. I’m very candid about growing up in a family of six boys and one girl. Nilsa, yeah that kind of news really sucks. It makes you sit back and think about how good the rest of us have it. Terminal cancer is awful.
    Sprizee – he and I looked the most alike. So I think, then there are days I look in the mirror and think how much I look like my bro Ethan. It’s a bit freaky. I’m holding on, I’m holding to all of the memories. They’re good ones. I should jot them down somewhere safe so I can share them with Baby Singe in the future.
    Kelwhy – I thought the same thing. Tough to watch the telethon. The clothing was very cool. They should be able to raise heaps of money selling the clothes. Yep, we’re much more likely to put ourselves on the line in front of strangers than co-workers sometimes.
    Ubermilf – yes, his time on this planet was way too short. He does live on in so many ways. Look, I’m blogging about him.
    Brandy – I like this comment. It’s so you. We appreciate your thoughts and sense of humour. Don’t ever lose it.
    Justrun – it is a gift to see some of him in her or vice versa. I do consider it a good thing. Thanks for your nice comment.
    Meno – I know, Facebook can be a pain. There are some good things about it though. So much better to use for networking than MySpace, that’s for sure. I would never wish losing a sibling on anyone. Not that I’d wish any sort of death on anyone, but you know what I mean.
    Essentially Me – I was pretty choked up initially. I think someone walked up to my desk as I stumbled on the photo. They didn’t stay at my desk too long. Now there you go again saying all sorts of nice stuff about me. Thank you. I just share what’s on my mind. Lately it has been a bit more raw emotions. Marvin? (I’m so glad you commented again about the mistake.)
    Pants – thanks, it’s all good now. I got a bit wrapped up in that Facebook page. I’m going to leave it be for the rest of the week.
    Essentially Me – ha, I like the correction.
    Essentially Me – really? One of your first thoughts? Tell me more.
    Ms. Chica – bottom of cardboard boxes? That’s a new one for me. Does the Virgin Mary appear there too? You’re damn right, there’s no formula for grieving. We just do it. Time isn’t a factor.
    Churlita – couldn’t have said it better myself. It just sneaks up on you and reduces you to tears in your cubicle. Good stuff.
    Gwen – now those are damn high odds. All you can really do is enjoy life for what it is. No regrets, just pure unadulterated fun.
    Tori – thanks for the second comment. I’m doing alright. Just an interesting two weeks with Anna changing classes, not feeling great, us not getting much sleep, work has been busy, etc. The good thing is we have much to be thankful for each and every day.

  23. Cléa says:

    First, I’m sending you a big hug.
    You know, there’s a reason why we fall out of touch with people. More often than not, it’s a good thing unless we’ve really lost contact and are looking for them everywhere. (I have 2 people I constantly search for)
    In my experience, finding those people meant disappointment or some sort of regret at finding something out. I’d rather leave things in the past most of the time.
    PS I see good looks run the family 🙂 Now we all remember him with a visual.

  24. Chris says:

    **Virtual Hug from a friend**

  25. sari says:

    I’m sorry about your brother. It’s nice that Anna looks like him. I can see how it would be a shock to see his picture there.
    I just signed up for Facebook yesterday, it’s a crazy place. It’s hard because I spend all my blog time being “anonymous” (yes, Sari is my real name but no one knows my last name) and then suddenly THERE IT IS and it’s weird. but good. but weird.

  26. Spring says:

    Oh Egan, I’m sorry. I wish you didn’t have to go though this. It’s awful. Before I was reading your blog I had been digging through my dad’s stuff, such an emotional night. It will be 2.5 years on Monday. I miss him a lot.

    Hugs to you.

    • lessinges says:

      Spring – these things make us stronger. It’s a bit odd to read through these old posts for me, but I think it’s a good thing to look back because it makes us stronger in the future. So sorry about your dad, losing a parent has to be rough. I can’t even begin to think about how painful that must be. Hugs to you!

      • Spring says:

        Thanks, I agree, it does build endurance. I like reading Ecclesiastes 9:5 and Revelation 21:4 a lot, it gives me something positive to think about. I hate death.

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