Tu Mama Orina Como Caballo

Nope, I really don’t handle my liquor well. It’s perhaps a good thing I didn’t start drinking in earnest until I was older than 21. Not that I didn’t have my share of drunken experiences before turning 21, because I did. My nephew turned 21 at the beginning of this month which got me thinking about this topic. Earlier today I had a discussion with my friend Scott about getting drunk. Without further ado, here are three prime examples of why I shouldn’t be allowed to drink tequila, meet Australian women, play drinking games, or to mix with the general public.

1. The year was 1998 and I met this swell new woman named N-Po. She came to visit me in Portland. We went out for some beers at the local pub with some of my friends. Drinking games were had over a few pitchers of beer. (At this time I was a manager for a restaurant which means getting drunk was required). It was an icy night and we all staggered back to my apartment five blocks away after concluding our drinking games.

My friends were drunk and thought it was a cool idea to climb the fire escape to my third floor studio. Me, I hoped the alcohol would escape my body. Unfortunately my wish was granted and I heaved like nobody’s business. This swell lady was not impressed and nearly packed it in that night. Gladly, she stayed with me and we got married a few years later. Oh, the following day I wasn’t feeling so hot at work and puked in the sink. Easily one of my lowest moments to date!

2. New Year’s Eve 1997 in Whistler, B.C. Canada. A group of us, 15 guys and one girl, headed north for our first of three New Year’s spent north of the border. We drove from Portland, Oregon to Whistler. We rented a two bedroom townhouse near Whistler Village and had a blast. I don’t honestly think I’ve ever consumed so much beer in a four day span in my life. It was insane, but safe and fun. We’d ski in the morning and then drink beer the rest of the day. Guys slept wherever there was a space on the floor. Heck, one guy even slept on the dining table since floor space was scarce. In the late evenings we’d visit the bars and nightclubs in Whistler Village.

We met some great people and scared an equal amount, roaming in packs from meat market to meat market. Oh, the snow bunnies were out. Being as inebriated as I was, I thought I was a solid dancer. Normally I tend to limit my dancing to an audience of eyeless individuals. Those with eyes were everywhere though and we did have heaps of fun with some women we met from Australia. I’m sure I puked at some point, but I hardly recall the details of those four days. My memory of the trip is something like this:

snow, ski, cans of beer, dance, snow bunnies, I love Canada, parlez-vous français? you’re from Sydney? I’m afraid of Canadians (we tweaked Bowie’s lyrics), Australian accents, blurry photos of strangers in Whister Village, etc.

3. The final outing takes the cake by a mile. It was summer of 1999 and I was back in Seattle living with my girlfriend. Yes, this is the same girfriend from Story One who later became my wife and my daughter’s mom. Whoa, that’s some dedication on her part.

Some friends were in town and we dediced to go out for a night of karaoke. Of course, I only watched the festivities because I’m terrified to sing in front of anyone with ears. We got to the mexican restaurant a bit late and squeezed into a table near the stage. My girlfriend and friend both speak Spanish so within no time they were yammering with the owner’s family. They made fast friends quickly and the drinks never seemed to stop appearing on our table. I have no clue who paid for all the tequila and I wasn’t interested enough in finding out.

Sidenote: here’s a little clue when I’ve had more than I should. I drink leftovers. I did this at college parties, rounding up the unfinished beers/cocktails and knocking them back. I can’t stand seeing things go to waste whether it’s food or beer.

Shot glasses littered our table and I figured it would be good to polish them off. Not so wise. About this same time I thought it would be fun to practice my limited knowledge of Spanish. “puta madre” escaped my lips more times than necessary, greeting the owner’s family. A short time later I recall being escorted out of the building by my friends and my lovely girlfriend. All I remember after this is throwing up at the bus stop across the street and waking up in the bathroom the following morning. Dreadful, that’s how I felt.

LESSON LEARNED: tequila isn’t my friend. Friends though, they will stay with you through thick and thin. There’s a common thread in all three stories. The common thread is my friend Scott. He married my wife and I in 2001 and is one of the greatest guys you’ll ever know. It’s not often you get to party like a rockstar with the person who pronounces you “man and wife”, but I couldn’t think of a better way to do it. Oh yeah, I haven’t thrown up due to alcohol since story three. Phew, good riddance I say.


About lessinges

Seattle native, discovering life! I like ice cream, cold cereal, and The Amazing Race.
This entry was posted in Dumbass Move, Food and Drink, Games, Mrs. Lessinges Approved, Storytelling. Bookmark the permalink.

23 Responses to Tu Mama Orina Como Caballo

  1. brandy says:

    Umm… I used to drink leftovers too. I mean, not strangers obviously (although I’ve made the joke) but it just seemed wrong to leave half a pint still at the table. We called them ‘wounded soldiers’… as in ‘you don’t leave a wounded soldier behind’. Classy, I know.

  2. egan says:

    Brandy – I’m pretty sure I like the “wounded soldier” name for than leftovers. They say your judgement goes when you’re drunk. I know it’s gone when I must finish other people’s drinks.

  3. sprizee says:

    I’ve never thrown up due to alcohol. I’m not sure if I should get a laminated award for this or be furiously hiding it from the InternetS as quickly as possible. Either way I’m quite sure what you just said about my mom was not nice.

  4. Tequila is nobody’s friend! I don’t understand people who can stomach it. It’s the most vile liquid my tongue has touched.

  5. Chris says:

    Tequila, good tequila that is, is beautiful when used properly – how a nice Margarita would ease the ills of this darn cold I am sporting.

  6. justrun says:

    Leftovers? I have honestly never heard of that before. Wow.
    But a great wife and buddy you have there, that’s for sure. Not that that’s news to anyone.

  7. brookem says:

    oof, you drink the wounded soldiers? not the next day though right? the warm ones?

  8. brookem says:

    oh wow, brandy said the same thing. great minds…
    except that i hate tequila. i will do it, in a margarita, but it’s not always pretty. brings me back to spring break and that was quite the shitshow. no pun intended.
    ive said too much.

  9. Golden or NTKTOK says:

    I see an interesting phenomenon happening here: Being drunk makes you say too much. Talking about being drunk makes you say to much. Case in point Brookem’s Spring Break ShitShow reference.
    That being said, I’ll pipe in. I drank my way through High School. I’m not proud of it.. It’s just what you did in the ’80’s in Kent, Wa. Seriously, that and Big Hair.
    I have never thrown up the evening of drinking, but… I have the next day. And frankly, I’m not sure which is worse.

  10. Golden or NTKTOK says:

    Oh.. and that song.. “Tequila makes your clothes come off”…
    ’nuff said

  11. thistle says:

    ahh…Whistler at New Year’s…i have some selective good memories of celebrations at the SFU cabin…
    Have you tried the ZipTrek yet? (go for the Eagle Tour, not the Bear)…that would be a great way to start off the year, altho perhaps best not attempted while hungover…or still drunk for that matter…

  12. Eunice says:

    I bet you’ve never puked on a regional manager of your company in the elevator of a 5 star hotel.
    (Five seconds made the difference between puking on him vs. the company president. I’d say my hangover angels were with me on that one. I mean, that girl got off lucky.)

  13. ms chica says:

    There isn’t enough tequila on the planet to make me dance or sing, but there is a list of other stupid shit for me to be coaxed into..

  14. Diane Mandy says:

    Oh your wife really is a trooper!!! Thank you for allowing us to laugh at your pain. 🙂

  15. Oh..I’vehad a no-so-memorable relationship with Tequilla as well and it abrunpty ended when I decided to get sober 13 years ago….I love that your wife stuck with you – you’re a keeper even admist the Spanish slip up!

  16. churlita says:

    I ended my friendship with Tequila a long time ago. I’ll drink a Margarita occasionally, but I I have no tolerance for alcohol when I just drink beer. Any kind of liquor is bad news for me and everyone around me.

  17. egan says:

    Sprizee – never thrown up from drinking? Next you’re going to tell me you put lipstick on your pitbull.
    Essentially Me – um yeah, I won’t make the comment I want to make here. Let’s just go with “yes, tequila isn’t anybody’s friend”. There, I was kind.
    Chris – you should have a margarita sir. You’re an adult and nobody can stop you. Cold be gone. Is there something you can apply directly to your forehead to make a cold go away, ColdOn?
    Justrun – well, I’m not sure many folks call them leftovers. That’s all I could think of when I typed the post. I think you’re right, my wife is pretty amazing and patient.
    Brookem – correct, I drink them the night of getting wasted. The next morning no drinks sound good. All I want is a bed, some water, and a remote.
    Brookem – did you do spring break like they show on the sweet MTV shows? Did you migrate south to Florida or Texas and party like a rockstar? Please do tell.
    Golden – you don’t paint a very romantic picture of your homeland, Kent. I thought there was tons to do there. Maybe I’m wrong about that assessment. Never thrown up the night of drinking? Lucky you. I think the following day could be worse since you’re prolonging the recovery process.
    Golden – do tell!
    Thistle – you’ve intrigued me with this comment. I haven’t been on the zip lines up there. I know they exist. I might have to take the family up there this winter season. I’d love to see how it’s changed in anticipation of the Olympics. Did you like SFU?
    Eunice – now that’s not a pretty picture you painted. I think you easily take the puke prize there. Good thing you held it back a bit.
    Ms Chica – such as? I want to hear what tequila makes you do? Do you pick fights with cats or the in-laws?
    Diane Mandy – you’re damn right she’s a trooper. She’s quite patient. I must say, I don’t spend much time drunk, it’s simply not how I roll. You’re welcome, laugh all you want. That’s why I share.
    Princess Extraordinaire – 13 years, congrats to you. I think I could go the rest of my life without drinking any alcohol. It doesn’t really do much for me. I don’t need it to wind down and I don’t need it for courage. I’m just saying.
    Churlita – I’m more of a beer person too. I don’t often order mixed drinks. Beer is more my style. Tequila, not so much my style.

  18. Cléa says:

    And I thought only Aussies liked to share their vomit stories. Seems universal.

  19. thistle says:

    Actually, my university days were spent on the cold prairies…i just partied with the SFU people when i came home for Christmas…which were like any uni frat house-like social, almost too much depravity (including puking)to bear…
    re: Whistler…you go right around the bobsled/luge run going up to the zips…i think the guides said that they will be open for the general public to try out…little more exciting than a toboggan run…

  20. qt says:

    Tequila and I re-unite every once in awhile…it is never very pretty, but at least I don’t throw up. Anymore, that is.

  21. tori says:

    I can’t drink tequila. Even the smell of it now makes me gag. I had a bad experience with it at a party in college. They (whoever they were…I don’t think I had any idea at the time…not a safe idea, was it?) made a huge batch of tequila sunrise in the kitchen sink and I drank way more than I should have. I puked my guts out. And now when I think about how lacking in cleanliness those guys were, I wonder what was in the sink besides the tequila sunrises! I suppose the alcohol killed all the bacteria, right?
    In college (later) my now husband bought a huge thing of Jack Daniels. Me, my husband and a friend of his drank the whole thing. I kept up with them. Not a good idea. It hit me hard a little later and I couldn’t see! The dorm RA called the police, they came and gave me a breathalizer and it was .38. Luckily the private college I went to decided to have the police bring me back to my room instead of any other consequences. Since then I haven’t really had the desire to drink except for occasional wine coolers. I’d call it a lesson learned for me.

  22. EmmaVita says:

    Let me just say, I love the post title.
    And almost 10 years of no alcoholic puking? Well done. It’s been less than a month for me. Bah! Tequila….is not my friend either. Neither is vodka. Rum’s okay. Too much champagne is not. I could go on. 🙂

  23. egan says:

    Cléa – well, normally this isn’t something I’d share, but I figured I’d go for it. I spared you by sharing three stories in one entry. Feel free to look away. I might offer a disclaimer next time.
    Thistle – the bobsled run is open to the general public? That’s too cool. I’d love to rocket down that sucker as if it was a waterslide. Oh, the good old prairies. Cold winters.
    QT – tequila is evil. Isn’t it nice to know we’ve learned enough now not to throw up after consuming it? Life is full of treasures.
    Tori – you know how I feel about this story. I’m just shocked you didn’t get hospitalized with a BAC of .38. That’s so high. Sounds like you got the shit scared out of you based on this experience. That’s how we learn right?
    EmmaVita – look at you listing off the drinks. You like the title eh? Seriously, when I worked as a restaurant manager, I picked up some key Spanish phrases. Pinche cabron is another one.

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