Baby Singe II

Being a parent rocks. It truly does. I’m not blowing smoke up your ass for an ulterior motive. Well, that’s not entirely true. You see once you have one kid, the door is open for everyone, and I mean everyone, to ask about a second child. I thought it was bad before my wife got pregnant, but to be honest people seem afraid to ask about a first child. At least that’s until your spouse is visibly pregnant and then you need a permanent PR person to field an onslaught of queries. Once you’ve had one kid, everyone assumes you can birth at least one child. The questioning is relentless.

I was curious, do you have another kid because I’m curious if the other one would look as much like you as your daughter does?”.

When do you think you’ll have another one?”

You should have another, you two make cute babies!”

Do you enjoy movies about gladiators?”

what shows does your child watch?”

can I take a picture of your daughter’s eyes?”

how many bedrooms does your house have?”

First of all, quite honestly… we don’t know if we will have another child. I’m just saying. August 5th, 2007 was a stressful day. I’m not positive my wife wants to relive the pain of her impromptu c-section. Personally, I would love for my daughter to have a sibling and I know my wife is in the same boat. How the other sibling might materialize is another question. We are in absolutely no rush, no rush. We’re content with how things are right now and truly enjoying the metamorphosis of Baby Singe.

I’ll throw a press conference when we’ve determined how it will happen. At this point in time we’re NOT not not trying to have a second. Please, don’t be intrusive. People have their reasons for not having more kids or not sharing their reasons. Just like I don’t ask what kinds of movies you watch after 10pm, I’d expect you not to ask how many hours a day I wear bike shorts or rest a laptop on my crotch. It’s simply not polite.


About lessinges

Seattle native, discovering life! I like ice cream, cold cereal, and The Amazing Race.
This entry was posted in Baby Singe, Grown-ups, Opinionated. Bookmark the permalink.

32 Responses to Baby Singe II

  1. ubermilf says:

    I get a lot of that even though I have 2. And the truth is, I can get pregnant but my body can’t sustain a pregnancy, so the last two times I got pregnant, I miscarried. I almost lost UberYounger. To spare us the pain of yet another miscarriage, Dilf got a vasectomy.
    My sister had a baby who died at birth, and another who was born with a heart defect who lived only 18 months. After several miscarriages (due to the same thyroid issues I have) she finally had a healthy son. Now when people ask her, how many children do you have? It makes her hesitate. Those babies who died are still her children.
    I know people don’t mean any harm, but I find the subject best avoided. You never know what pain is in someone’s life.
    Just coo and say, “What a sweet baby!”

  2. egan says:

    Ubermilf – this is great example of why it’s really not wise to inquire much when it comes to kids. You have no idea what someone could have gone through to have the “first” kid. Just coo and appreciate what’s there. No need to get fixated on what lies ahead.
    I make this comparison often. Sometimes you see a runner on the side of the road. Sometimes they look very winded, but you have no idea how many miles they might have already run that day, perhaps they’re recovering from an injury, perhaps they’re running to clear their head while a baby naps. You never know.

  3. I agree. I get that people just ask sometimes without thinking because babies are so much fun and all though. But you never know a person’s situation. Unfortunately, unless you have had something go wrong with the baby making process or been close with someone who told you how not ok it is to ask, you might not think twice before asking.
    I myself find it hurtful when people ask me if I’m going to have more…people assume once a person has 4 kids that they must be some kind of baby making factory or something and that they must be trying to take over the world with their offspring. The reason it is hurtful to me is because I can not have any more kids. I’m not sure if I would have or would not have, but the choice isn’t mine and every time someone asks, I am reminded of cancer and a yucky time in my life.
    So, when are you going to have another baby? (I am totally kidding!!!!)

  4. egan says:

    Tori – yeah, your personal story has to be really rough. I guess you’d think social norms would teach us not to ask about a woman’s reproductive ability. It’s a very touchy issue and you’d think most are aware of things such as cancer, miscarriage, infertility, etc. that you just avoid the topic. Perhaps you’re right though, you have to go through it before knowing it’s not right to ask.

  5. meno says:

    i wrote a post about this a long time ago. There are lots of stupid things people say when they are nosing around in your business.
    “Oh you can’t just have ONE, she’ll be spoiled.”
    “She’ll be lonely.”
    “She won’t know how to get along with other kids.”
    Bullshit! Do what you want, have 1, have 10. I support you in any case.

  6. SM says:

    Yeah…Tori totally just did what I was going to do. You kind of opened yourself up for it.
    I get what you’re saying though – for real. People were asking us this question before LM was even born! And we keep getting the question and he’s only a little more than a month. Seriously, yo! Let us get through the first few months of this one without us going all safe haven on him.
    I’m totally kidding about the safe haven stuff, but really – as you know the first few months are quite hard…the thought of having another one? Well, to be quite honest, it makes me want to solder my uterus permanently closed.

  7. Dagny says:

    At least you have a spouse AND a kid. I’m sick of the, “When are you getting married?” and “You know, you don’t have to be married to have kids.” I’m thinking of boycotting all family gatherings.
    Oh, and you wear bike shorts?

  8. egan says:

    Meno – yes, I recall your post. People are funny and there’s not much you can do about it. I might ignorance with faux stupidity. It seems to work best.
    SM – the first few months? Gosh, give yourself the first year to get comfortable. I’m sure you’re still finding your way. I remember those horrible nights of three hours sleep with the baby waking every hour. You’re useless and somehow you find a way to get through the day. Oh, the joys of their early months. I can’t solder my uterus closed for obvious reasons, but I did consider purchasing a detachable penis.
    Dagny – to be a single woman seems much more unfun than a single guy. Women have to field the annoying “ticking clock” questions often. What a headache. I don’t wear bike shorts much these days, but yeah. The bike shorts thing was more to illicit a response. I’m dorky like that.

  9. brookem says:

    I wasn’t sure whether you were doing a double negative thing there. Not not doing something means you are, right? No?
    I’m kidding. But for serious, I understand where you’re coming from.
    I think it’s different with good friends, who talk about that stuff anyway. But for people who don’t know you, who you aren’t close with to up and ask those questions? I can imagine it’d be a bit intrusive.
    …Kind of like the “why aren’t you dating anyone?” question. That’s always fun too.

  10. Golden says:

    I am 41 and would love to have a baby. My son is an only child. He said this last night: “I want my kids to have aunts and uncles”… It gave me pause. I don’t feel remorse or guilt, just maybe a little ‘what ifs’ going through my head. I am also in no way saying anybody else should or should not do whatever the heck they want with their reproductive selves!
    I am single, but am dating a man who is 41 as well. And he has NO children. And wants one. It may still happen for me. Who knows.
    Ok, I volunteered the info., so I’m fair game for questions now.
    I’m glad I know how you feel about this though. I honestly have to admit, I could see myself asking you. I have learned something today. Thank You.

  11. ms chica says:

    I can’t decide if people are nosy when they say things like that, or if they’ve exhausted their question library.

  12. egan says:

    Brookem – I’m pretty sure three NOTs means not. Two NOTs cancel each other out, but one still remains. Yes, exactly like your dating example.
    Golden – you did volunteer much information here so get ready for some questions. I definitely want my daughter to have a sibling. I think there’s a great relationship a child can build with siblings. However, much of what happens with a future child is out of our control. It’s an extremely personal issue which is why it’s generally an off limits topic.
    Ms. Chica – my thinking is if you run out of questions then make some comment about how the girl looks identical to her dad … or something else mildly flattering. Just don’t prod.

  13. Medio Pomelo says:

    This will not make me popular but I disagree with every one of you above. I’m one for real conversations rather than polite chit-chats about weather and football. I would not want my surroundings to stop asking those irritating questions (and they do ask!) just to be politically correct even with me, in this politically over correct world. I like my environment to say what they mean and ask what they really would like to know. If I feel they are being too much I usually kindly tell them that and leave them wondering what my answer to their question would have been. I believe there is nothing wrong with asking if you can handle refusing the answer to those with whom you don’t want to share it.

  14. egan says:

    Medio Pomelo – thanks for speaking your mind. To be honest, I don’t think you’re pissing anyone off. I think my post wasn’t very clear though. With people I know well, it’s no big deal to answer their questions. To random strangers, it’s another thing. I don’t think the random stranger trying on clothes next to my wife at Banana Republics needs to know about miscarriages and fertility issues. I think that’s a personal issue.
    I’m not sure this is a political correctness debate either. I think it’s more about common sense and respecting someone’s privacy. Again, amongst friends this scenario is different. I hear what you’re saying, I do.

  15. mez says:

    Are you kidding, asking “when will you have kids?” and “when are you going to leave your kids at home and finally go on a real holiday?” or “are you going to go back to work soon?” or “how’s married life?” or “are you guys still having sex?” or “are you thinking of moving into a bigger place?” or “are you sending your child to private school” or any of that ilk of questions is the PAYBACK for all the “so…are you still single?” “found a nice fella yet?” “you’re thirty? tick tock” questions that some married with children constantly ask single people in that highly patronising way that some of you do!
    Privacy? That’d be nice! ๐Ÿ˜€

  16. justrun says:

    It just never ends, does it? Is no major life event enough for people? I say you ask them to wear your bike shorts and also if they’ll let you rest things on their crotches. Then, and only then, can they ask questions.

  17. Chris says:

    It always amazes how people, even nice people, can suck the joy out of joyous things by the inherent intrusiveness in us all.
    Questions that should never be asked:
    -Any plans for children?
    -Any plans for another/more children?
    -Have you set a date?
    -Are you into reacharounds?
    -I’m heading to the store, do you need any batteries?

  18. When are you coming back to Toronto? Oh, I’m sorry … was that rude of me to ask?

  19. thistle says:

    @ Chris…you left off the classic…
    ‘so when are you due’
    I still fall down in amazement when someone confesses to me that they asked that question (or were asked that question) when there in fact was no pregnancy to talk about…oops…idiots.
    One of my male co-workers says that he wouldn’t ask that question even if he saw the woman in the throes of labour in the delivery room,..i say he’s a wise man ๐Ÿ™‚
    oh…and his wife always answers the question ‘Are you trying to have another one?’ by looking them straight in the eye and saying ‘Yes, we’re having sex…’ which strangely is usually enough to shut them up and move them along…especially if they’re just nosy strangers…

  20. egan says:

    Mez – you truly crack me up. I love this comment and it’s nice to see you around here again. I know I haven’t been making the rounds as much, but I enjoy your take on things.
    Justrun – I like the way you think. Turn things around on them. This is a very sound technique. I honestly think this way, I call it reciprocal thinking. I often think about how things would be if in the other person’s shoes.
    Chris – very good list there. I’m sure we could go on and on with that list if we wanted. I think what’s brilliant is how you worked the reacharound into the questions. Who doesn’t love a good reacharound?
    Essentially Me – your guess is as good as mine. Since I’m really only a hired gun for French work, I may not go so often. I miss the bilingual action that I don’t get in Seattle. Heck, Toronto is a great city and I have a pretty kind tour guide. We need to work on your knowledge of museum hours.
    Thistle – great responses by your female friend to the question about more kids. We joked about using that one too. Suddenly it dawns on the person asking the question, hmmm maybe I am getting too personal. Yep, never ever never ask a woman when she’s due or if she’s having her period. There are others, but those are most important.

  21. Gwen says:

    People *do* say idiotic and often inadvertently hurtful things. I guess I feel like if it’s coming from an honest place of goodwill, I let them off the hook. God knows I’m no social genius (watch me hide behind my computer!), so I really need to cut everyone else a little slack.
    That doesn’t mean it’s not annoying, though.
    But seriously, if you just put your bitch face on from the start, you will find people are much less likely to intrude. You’re just too open and friendly looking, Egan! You’ve gotta work on perfecting that “leave me the f alone” vibe. I can give you pointers ….

  22. JLee says:

    That’s kind of like when I hold babies (which I love) people always say “oh, it looks like you need another one!” Um, NO. haha

  23. egan says:

    Gwen – I do cut people a lot of slack on these questions. It’s more the aloof stranger asking these questions. Maybe I do need to work on my bitch face some more or just bring back the sneer you seem to love so much. Sound like a plan?
    JLee – yes, exactly like that. I’ve heard that and seen that so often. My friend’s mom is relentless along those lines. Whenever they’re holding our daughter, she always makes a comment they should have another. Awkward.

  24. churlita says:

    I got the opposite. I had two kids within 16 months of each other and everyone kept asking me if I was really religious. No, I just got drunk on New year’s Eve is all.

  25. egan says:

    Churlita – oh no you didn’t. I love it. Your honesty is refreshing. I totally believe you said this too because it seems right up your alley. Thanks for the laugh.

  26. Kym says:

    It always made me crazy when people asked when the next one was coming, and I am sad to admit that I have said the same to some friends (but usually only after they ask me first). It’s totally up to you, and only you (well your wife too) when you want to have another one, IF you want to have another one. One response I used to say over and over (before we decided to have our 2nd) was to just smile and say ‘We love having Kenslee and just want to enjoy every minute of it’. But that’s because I couldn’t come up with anything sarcastic at the drop of a hat.

  27. Lpeg says:

    I can’t comment on what it’s like to be asked when I’m having another child, but I do know what it’s like to be single and 25, and at EVERY family gathering asked, “So, do you have a boyfriend, yet?”
    I’m sure it gets as old as the baby question ๐Ÿ™‚
    Thanks for stopping by – and your daughter is Adorable!

  28. sari says:

    It starts with “What do you want to be when you grow up?” and goes from there, unfortunately.

  29. egan says:

    Lpeg – thanks for swinging by my not so anonymous blog. I recall what it’s like to be single. I think women have it much worse than guys as far as being single and we’re not as scrutinized by family members. It’s those darn reproductive organs I swear. I appreciate the kind words about my daughter. We love the heck out of the little one. Thanks for your visit.
    Sari – you think? We just never stop fielding questions? The career one seems much more benign than those asked of moms.

  30. Michelle says:

    Oh dear. I have two boys and whenever I meet new people and they learn of this they somehow think that I’ll be trying for a girl next. Like in having two boys I’m missing out somehow. Two childrens, boys or girls, is enough for anyway, I’d say.

  31. SM says:

    I’d like you to write a post about what you think about questions regarding baby milestones next. Like walking, potty training, etc.
    And you’re right – I’m going to need a more than a few months before we decide if we want to have another kid. I don’t know, but I’m not interested in having Irish twins, thankyouverymuch.

  32. egan says:

    Michelle – people are so weird, that’s all I can say. As if you love your kids less because there isn’t a girl in the mix? Seriously, it’s troubling how little people think before opening their mouths. Thanks for the comment.
    SM – give yourself as much time as you need. Irish twins is so unappealing. I really enjoy watching my child grow. Baby milestones: are they sleeping through the night, how often do they use their binky, are they on solids yet, etc. I’m sure you’ve heard a fair amount already. Is family asking most of this or complete strangers?

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