The Shrooms are Loose

What is the opposite of chocolate? I’m convinced it’s brussel sprouts. Damn, it could be coleslaw too. Who eats coleslaw and why? That is vile food and it has the tendency to do wicked things to the body. Whenever a restaurant gives me a side of coleslaw, I wonder why. Is anyone eating coleslaw? If you’re one of the few who enjoys coleslaw or brussel sprouts tell me why. I know it can’t be related to the smell before it goes in your body or when it comes out…. oops.
————
Bring it! I’m in the middle of a Twitter vs. Facebook war. It isn’t pretty, but I thought I could share some of the highlights.

Before Facebook: I searched for people’s photos using approved search engines. I avoided snowball and food fights in person. I disliked getting Poked. I wrote, read, and commented on blogs. I didn’t have to fight for the computer. I didn’t have to explain my stubborn emoticon rules. I didn’t obsess about Status Updates. I thought I was a good Scrabble player. I thought I had a lot of Friends. I thought I was loved (see evidence below)

Hey,

I’m so perplexed by the things you post. Does your wife think you are cute/funny when you write about your bodily functions? I’m really grossed out when I read about you needing to poop, having a boner, etc. I just wouldn’t expect it from a 35yo married father! Call me a prude, goodie-goodie or whatever you want. I just felt compelled to let you know I’m going to remove you so I don’t have your posts popping up. Feel free to email me anytime, I just don’t want to read that stuff. Sorry Egan! Please don’t be mad. I do hope you’ll stay in touch…

Egan’s First

————-
One and a third –> believe it or not folks. My daughter is one and a third years old today. I know it’s not really a birthday most tend to celebrate. However most people don’t tend to get hooked on Facebook and chat about their life Before Facebook as if it was a huge milestone. I, however, am not your typical cat. If I keep saying this, there’s no way it can’t be true. Rumor has it 40% of the US population between the ages of 19-39 have a tattoo. Guess what, I don’t have one. I’m so cool.

Crikey, back to my daughter. She’s 16 months old today and is learning to play pretend. She removes her bottle bag from the kitchen door knob and leaves the kitchen saying “bye” many times. [exit stage left] She reappears ten seconds later with a huge grin on her face saying “hi” as we welcome her back to the kitchen. It’s damn adorable. Just like all of you bloggers! You’re adorable. Have a fantasically super cool weekend!

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About lessinges

Seattle native, discovering life! I like ice cream, cold cereal, and The Amazing Race.
This entry was posted in Bathroom Humor, Blog Fodder, Don't Quit Your Day Job, Dumbass Move, Officially Bizarre, Raging Dork, Storytelling, Vanity is Overrated. Bookmark the permalink.

26 Responses to The Shrooms are Loose

  1. sprizee says:

    The opposite of chocolate isn’t any of those things. It’s salty sweet. We would have accepted pretzels, popcorn or potato chips.
    I’m starting to see the appeal of FB. Weed out the folks that don’t have a sense of humor.
    I wonder how many folks out there, what percentage, haven’t smoked pot? I bet it’s less than the number with tattoos. What say you?

  2. Chris says:

    I have no tattoos but have smoked pot (even inhaled).
    I love FB, twitter, Chocolate, and cole slaw.
    This was very funny.

  3. kirk says:

    Facebook is nothing but a din for viruses.

  4. Matt says:

    1. I eat cole slaw – and only cole slaw – for dinner (the Carolina vinegar kind), have tattoos, like Brussel sprouts, but refuse *capitalized, exclamation point refuse* to do Twitter or Facebook. Too juvenile. (Besides, then all my students could find me.) 2. That age is cute with kids, and I loved it, but I’m glad we’re beyond that. It’s cool being a dad!

  5. thistle says:

    Hmmm…you have emoticon rules? I did not know that, so you better review them again. Promise i will respect them. But seriously…i will not give up either coleslaw or brussel sprouts, even though MANY people i know dislike those little green brainy looking things. They’re good for you…
    and Facebook, i’m on it but never use it…i much prefer the blogosphere…

  6. I don’t have any tats either so I’m cool as well. I keep thinking about getting one but then think of how awful tattoos look on “older” bodies and then decide not to. So you lost a friend because of your updates, eh? I wonder if this is why you finally succumbed to the world of twits.

  7. furiousBall says:

    I inhaled coleslaw once. i was young and needed the money

  8. ms chica says:

    I always thought coleslaw was a just a poor garnish choice. If they really expected you to eat, they would cover it in jalapenos.

  9. Amy says:

    Brussel sprouts are very high up on the list of my favorite veggies. They are pretty much tied with turnip(rutabaga)and potato for first place. I love the way they feel in my mouth when I bite through the layers and they are very yummy and pretty on the plate. I really don’t know what else I could say about them to describe why I love them. Coleslaw is OK, I don’t HAVE to have it, but it does compliment seasoned baked potato wedges nicely. I love facebook (and your status updates), haven’t used twitter (and am unsure if I will), and I have no tattoos. I know it is not a good idea to say “never” but I NEVER will get a tatoo. Happy 1 1/3 birthday to Anna!

  10. QT says:

    I love both coleslaw and brussel sprouts when I’m the chef. I rarely eat them at restaurants. And I guess I’m in the small percentage of the populations that does not suffer any ill effects after eating either.
    Facebook is aight. I refuse to twitter. And your daughter, as always, sounds adorable.
    PS – I have two tats.

  11. christina says:

    My sister-in-law makes the world’s best brussel sprouts. They’re coated in garlic and butter and bread crumbs and I’m pretty sure they have zero nutritional value once you add all that stuff to them, but they are soooo good. But I truly hate cole slaw. I don’t even like to look at it. It reminds me of vomit.
    And I have a Facebook addiction, but I have never been on Twitter and don’t plan on joining up anytime soon.
    And your daughter is adorable. I think this is the best age (since Chase and Anna are close in age)!

  12. Kailyn says:

    I don’t usually do the brussel sprouts but I like just about every other form of cabbage. Usually places that serve cole slaw give you a choice of that or french fries. I’d rather have the green veggie than the starch.

  13. egan says:

    Sprizee – you’re a funny one with your take on Facebook. No worries, if you stop using Facebook then I can stop Tweeting. Or if I stop first, you get the drill. Pretzels and chocolate, I should have thought of that. You’re a smart person. I agree with your pot smoking percentage thing. So the question is Sprizee, are we boring or non-conformists?
    Chris – you’re an easy man to please. I like this. No tattoos? That sort of surprises me. I thought you’d have at least one Mattingly tattoo.
    Kirk – yes, I’m sure that’s true. MySpace is way worse for the viruses than Facebook. I never add any Facebook applications for the virus reason except the chat client.
    Matt – I can’t blame you for not doing Facebook or Twitter. They aren’t only juvenile, but they can also be a fucking time waster. We can all admit to that. I love the connections I’ve made via Facebook so I won’t likely give it up. I miss blogging as often as I used to do though. I will find a way to pimp my blog again.
    Yes, you’re right about parenthood. I love being a dad. I just put my daughter down for a nap and it’s that sort of thing that melts my heart. Hey, what are your tats and where are they?
    Thistle – the emoticon rule applies to instant messaging. Since you and I don’t currently instant message, you’re given a free pass. I started to get annoyed with all the smiley faces I’d get in return. And nothing bugs me more than LOL. Does anyone truly Laugh Out Loud as often as they type it? It’s lazy. I think emoticons are lazy too, but that’s a story for another day. It appears I’m in the minority with my dislike for brussel sprouts and coleslaw.
    Essentially Me – yes, I lost my ex-girlfriend. Apparently my Status Updates were too much for her. I wish Facebook would create a way to select who does and doesn’t get them. Or for a user to turn selected Status Updates. Seems simple enough to program. Anyways, no tats? Good to know. Noted and in your file.
    FuriousBall – we all do things we regret later in life and this is a prime example. Don’t let it happen again.
    Ms Chica – but what if you don’t like jalapenos? Man, I guess I am more picky of an eater than I thought.
    Amy – I knew there was a reason I liked you. You’re all over these topics. You have me reconsidering my stance on brussel sprouts the way you write about them. They do feel good in the mouth. I think it’s the smell of them that bugs me. I’ve been on Twitter less than a week and I don’t really see why I’d want to use it in conjunction with Facebook. Pretty much everything I can do on Twitter can be done on Facebook. Zero tats, going in your file.
    QT – I bet you make some mean brussel sprouts and coleslaw. I’m sure you’re right about the coleslaw in restaurants versus you making it. Kind of like potato salad I imagine. Two tats, noted.
    Christina – coleslaw smells like vomit. It’s just not right on many levels, but apparently you and I are in the minority on this here blog. Most seem to like it. Bread crumbs with brussel sprouts could make all the difference. Maybe we’ll give that a go at Christmas. I pretty much agree on the Facebook thing. Twitter isn’t really my style, but I told someone I’d try it.
    Yes, this is such a fun age right now. I’m really liking all the new discoveries. Her language skills are improving so fast. It’s amazing. If I haven’t told you this recently, I will say it again. Thank you so much for the high chair you bought us as a baby gift. That has been such a great chair. We use it every day and it makes me think of you each time we buckle her in it. So thank you very much for such a great gift.
    Kailyn – you’re a brave woman. Give me the fries any day of the week. I can’t take the cabbage. I like cabbage in soups.

  14. tori says:

    I do not like cole slaw or brussel sprouts, have two tattoos, and have never smoked pot. Is that all the information you need about me? I think you already knew some of this, although I don’t expect you to remember every fact about me.
    I, for one, enjoy your immature updates. They make me smile when I read them. Life is too short to be taken all seriously and stuff.

  15. thistle says:

    Re: the tat thing…since i’m somewhat commitment phobic…i’ve just decided to go and get some henna art done as a birthday present to myself…thank you for facilitating that decision with this discussion. Besides which, I haven’t freaked my family out in a while, so we’re about due. Film at eleven…in a couple of weeks, that is.

  16. Cléa says:

    Brussel sprouts, coleslow and cabbage are the opposites of white, milk and dark chocolate.
    Whoa… lost someone over a status update? Facebook is so odd, as you’ve read my experience last week.
    No tats on me too. Everyone has these huge tats that will look droopy and faded when they’re old. Blech. Keep a clear canvas and be an individual.

  17. Cheryl says:

    I think the opposite of chocolate is beets. Blech. I gag any time I try to eat them.
    And I hear you 100 percent on Facebook. That’s why I tried to resist it for so long. Alas, no more.

  18. big bro says:

    Facebook…my favorite idiom. damned if you do, damned if you dont.
    to facebook or not, that is the question. so far i say no….”status updates be damned!”

  19. meno says:

    Love the fan mail, or was that fan maul? Either way, no loss to you.

  20. Logo™ says:

    I have no tats (I have enough in me for one lifetime commitment, right now I’m using all that energy on Mr. Logo) and never smoked weed. I prefer to think of myself as a non-conformist.
    Uptight FBers are better OFF your friends list anyway,
    You soooo DID have to explain your emoticon rule, and your stubborn LOL issues as well.
    I love the hello goodbye game!! SO cute. And the perfect excuse for breaking into song,
    Hello, Goodbye by The Beatles

  21. Michelle says:

    I’ve blocked someone based on their status updates before. Everything was so whiney and repetitve (also, in French which I just think is really irritating) It can’t be difficult to show certain status updates and not others. I signed up for Twitter a week or so ago but have quickly lost interest (after only 6 updates)- it just seems pointless because it doesn’t add anything new to me after FB.
    And I LOOOOOVE brussel sprouts. Amy summed it perfectly, with the different layers. It doesn’t smell great, granted, but that texture in my mouth is worth it for me! Coleslaw? No. Just no.
    No tattoos for me either, my threshold for pain is very, very small.
    And oh my god, 16 months is a great age! So playful! Old enough to be able to interact and still maintain that childish sweetness but not quite old enough to be downright naughty or cheeky, like my three year old(maybe that’s just my three year old).
    (Just happened to read with with plenty of time on my hands, will never normally leave a book for a comment!)

  22. egan says:

    Tori – damn right about the life is too short thing. If we can’t have some sort of fun, then screw it. Lock me up. Oh, I’ve noted these items in your file.
    Thistle – henna works really well. I like the looks of henna and some tattoos. I would say subtle is good. I’m not a huge fan of heavily tattoed peeps.
    Cléa – you and EM said pretty much the same thing about tattoos. I love it. Yes, I lost my ex-girlfriend because my status updates weren’t to her liking. Ugh, I never quite understood her.
    Cheryl – you’re darn right about beets. They’re really nasty, but I will eat them before coleslaw if forced. You were right to avoid Facebook for so long. I know I avoided it for about a year and then caved. It hasn’t been too bad. I think the Chat feature is cool, but a serious time waster.
    Big Bro – you’ve always been the one to dispense such sage advice. Well done.
    Meno – true, no loss to me at all. I like the woman, but it’s just sort of silly. Stay away from Facebook, unless you like staring at photos.
    Logo – great to see you again. I like that you brought up some old memories with this comment. I just don’t care for emoticons and LOL while instant messaging. You know the rules though, so there’s no need to beat a dead horse. Yeah, no tats or weed. Let’s start a Facebook Group. 16 months is a great age. I’m digging her make believe games/actions. Very fun.
    Michelle – and in French? C’est incroyable! What do you have against French? I sort of kid with this topic. Egan whispers, “tread lightly”. I’ve noted your tattoo and pot stats. Consider your profiled updated. Twitter just don’t offer me much aside from work free viewing. Maybe if I didn’t have Facebook access on my cell phone I’d dig it more. Who knows. 16 months old is the bomb yo! The bomb, we’re loving her big time now. Not that we didn’t before. Oh hey, don’t ever feel bad about long comments on this blog. Thank you.

  23. SM says:

    Wow…I’m surprised at the amount of people who like coleslaw AND brussel sprouts. Ew. Have you ever been to Texas? They serve coleslaw with everything, I swear. Everytime I go I have to remember to say “no coleslaw.” Annoying.
    Facebook annoys me now. I succombed to Twitter last week, though, because I was extremely bored at work. It’ll probably end up annoying me before too long as well, though.
    I think it’s funny you lost a “friend” because of your status updates, though. Funny because she told you she was dropping you and why she didn’t like your updates. If it were me and I straight up hated your updates, I would have just dropped you. Chances are you probably wouldn’t have even noticed. But whatev.
    p.s. I don’t have a tattoo, either. I’ve also never smoked pot. I have an addictive personality (in case you weren’t aware…) so I’ve never tried it because I just have this fear that I would become a super stoner.

  24. SM says:

    Oh! And I love it when babies/toddlers do that kind of stuff. It’s so cute!!!

  25. churlita says:

    Hi, I’m Churlita and I’m a Facebook addict. Hi, Churlita.
    Yeah, but I don’t have a tattoo, so is that good or bad?

  26. emma james says:

    What I want to do is kill the Green Patch and Sea Garden and whatever the hell else is a constant time sucker. I thought I was being environmentally progressive, or at least assuaging my guilt for not joining one of those Greenpeace ships and converting to crystal deodorant, but now every time a friend sends me a little plant or sea creature I have homicidal urges. I might as well start working for a pharmaceutical company.
    Your daddy stories are adorable. Just wait until she takes the car keys and doesn’t come back. Won’t be quite so cute any more.
    By the way, brussel sprouts are awesome – you just have to cook them right, and preferable with a scented candle lit nearby.

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