The Fives Senses

Open your eyes, look around and tell me what you see. Nah, you don’t really have to do this exercise. The gift of sight is something many of take for granted. We can picture how we looked at our first dance. Our eyes don’t forget the exact outfit we wore when Trig kissed your neck.

A song can trigger memories you didn’t even know existed. While doing some work around the house Monday, I tuned in the satellite radio to the 90’s station. I transported back to my college days when I started to find my groove. No matter what you may have heard, I can’t dance to save my life.

So yeah, anyways… back to my story at hand. Not last weekend, but the weekend before, my wife and I went for a stroll around the block with our adorable daughter. We pushed her around on her bike. The sun shined and all five of my senses enjoyed the sunny afternoon. As we typically do, we visited an open house. It’s how we roll and since it gives us cool home decorating/remodeling ideas. The best part is it allows us to assess our own home relative to others.

We unbuckle Baby Singe from her purple and pink bike, meandering through the main floor rooms. We chat with the friendly realtor and pretend not to know anything about the house, but we sort of do. After nearly ten minutes of discussing all that is cool in Seattle, rodents, and babies, I slink out of the kitchen to the hallway and a nearby bedroom.

Eww, something didn’t smell right. I turned to my wife and whispered, “did you fart?”. She nodded no. Huh, I thought to myself. I didn’t like the smell of something in the house. My wife pulls me aside and softly says “it’s the bathroom”.

When you visit open houses often, you notice a pattern. You see flyers for the house, you meet an agent who attempts to befriend you, you will more likely than not see fresh flowers placed somewhere prominent, and usually there are freshly baked cookies sitting in the kitchen. It’s lean times right now though so perhaps the rules have changed.

The real estate agent took a dump in the main floor bathroom which just happens to be adjacent to the kitchen. Really. Who does that? The house has been on the market for a few months and now I see why. I don’t own a realtor handbook, but I’d guess somewhere around page 8 they might discuss the importance of an open house as a gateway to new customers. Going poo poo on the potty in your client’s house, yeah… not really going to create a lasting positive impression for potential buyers. Every time I drive by the house (or see it), I have very unpleasant (olfactory) thoughts.

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About lessinges

Seattle native, discovering life! I like ice cream, cold cereal, and The Amazing Race.
This entry was posted in Bathroom Humor, Housecapades, Science, Storytelling. Bookmark the permalink.

25 Responses to The Fives Senses

  1. Michelle says:

    Wow, that’s a very …different tactic for selling a house.
    When I was looking at houses I always liked the ones that didn’t vaccum before we came. I always wondered if they thought all the cat hair laying around would be appealing to prospective buyers.

  2. When Trig kissed your neck???? You are too funny.
    First, I have to give your wife credit for not back-handing you when you asked her if she farted. In a public place. Yours is a level of comfort that I hope to achieve in my next relationship.
    Second, never mind that the Realtor shat in the bathroom which is a topic of discussion in and of itself. Why is there a bathroom next to the kitchen?? This means that it must be a shit-free zone because if that’s how it smelt on that day, then that’s how it will smell everyday because let’s face it … bowel moves, they happen.
    Hi.

  3. SM says:

    Ok…shit happens, literally, and I understand the need to go. If the realtor had to go then they had to go. But I’m assuming that there were other bathrooms in the house, so why in that bathroom?
    And if there were realtor handbooks, I really wish our realtor would take a gander. Because she’s a dipshit.
    Anyway.

  4. Tim says:

    Lithium 24? So you have satellite radio, and high def radio?

  5. justrun says:

    If that’s not in the Realtor handbook, lighting a match should be.

  6. furiousBall says:

    i think you could also sell that behavior as letting the prospective buyers know that you are very comfortable

  7. Golden says:

    Ok… Haven’t we all been in a situation where nature called, and it just wasn’t convenient? It could have been worse, it could have been you that had to go, while visiting said open house. Now that would have been funny.
    That being said… EWWWWWWW.
    I love it that you asked your wife if she farted. That’s hilarious.

  8. egan says:

    Michelle – some folks really don’t have their act together when it comes time to show their house. I’m glad my wife could get past the clutter in our current house. You mean excess cat hair isn’t hot?
    Essentially Me – hey, it’s not like I yelled “did you fart?”. I’m one of the best whisperers in the business. Ask Trig. Bowel movements do happen, but yeah… bathrooms near kitchen can be bad, or good, depending on the day.
    SM – there are definitely handbooks for Realtors, but I’m not sure how much they commit to memory. There was a shitter in the basement, but it’s one of those scary ones where one doesn’t dare visit.
    Tim – nope, not Lithium 24. Is that a good channel? I was kicking it old school style listing to XM through the DirecTV receiver. I’m so cool.
    Justrun – ha, your match remedy got me thinking about my first girlfriend in college. All bathrooms should have windows that can open.
    Furiousball – that’s a good take on the situation. You’re such an optimist.
    Golden – I’ve been in that situation many times, too many to count in fact. She’s got to know drinking coffee will encourage a BM. Um, many times I’ve felt the urge to go while in an open house, but I can hold it together. The house is only a block away from my house so I’d just go back to our house. My wife likes questions about flatulence.

  9. tori says:

    The guy who finished the basement at our old house was very regular. Every single morning he would come into my house and walk into the bathroom. He would stay there for the next 45 minutes (no joke! I timed him one time) and then come out and start working on the basement. I had just had baby twins and was upstairs trying to sleep/feed the babies so I never got a chance to say anything to him about it. Although really, what would I possibly have said? Hey buddy, take a crap at your own house before you come over to work? All I know is that it became a very funny joke between my husband and I and even still (8 years later!) we say his name as what we are doing when we go to the bathroom. The kids have no clue what we are talking about but that just makes it more funny to us. Possibly because we are immature.
    Anyway, hasn’t the realtor heard of scented candles? That would have helped I would think. And since the bathroom was right near the kitchen, maybe a nice sugar cookie scent would have been nice.

  10. meno says:

    Obviously he is a shitty agent.
    I’m so sorry.

  11. Chris says:

    I am no fan of realtor’s – I hear SM with the whole gotta go syndrome but a realtor’s job is all about planning.
    Meno made me laugh.

  12. egan says:

    Tori – I like this contractor of yours. Would you recommend him to other people? That’s the question. A candle? Like a Yankee Candle? Who carries candles with them?
    Meno – you’re silly.
    Chris – true, their job is about planning. Sometimes you just got to go. You’ve seen the TV ads. Meno is funny.

  13. thistle says:

    a post about bm’s…lovely, i had noticed you had the tag ‘bathroom humour’ and now i know why…
    oddly, everytime my dad comes to work on my house he has to use the bathroom also…whether he’s here for 5 hours or just 5 minutes…i too think it’s the Tim Horton’s he drinks on the way here…

  14. tori says:

    Ha! Actually, I have recommended him to other people because he did a really good job and we had no problems with anything but I did warn them ahead of time about his habits. Yep…Yankee Candles. But I know you are not fond of them. That is actually why I mentioned it. I would think the realtor might bring something to make the house smell better though. Especially if they knew they might have to go. Or I guess that would require thinking ahead quite a bit wouldn’t it?

  15. churlita says:

    I thought you were supposed to bake a loaf of bread to make things smell warm and inviting, not pinch loaves so that things smell the opposite.

  16. egan says:

    Thistle – I would have no idea what you mean in regards to your dad. No clue. I’m glad you pay attention to those tags. Sometimes they can save you a lot of heartache.
    Tori – sometimes you have to get creative wiht masking bad odors. If you have a moment I could tell you more about this than you might possibly want to know.
    Churlita – ding ding ding, you win! I love this comment, I really do. So clever and perfect. Thanks for the laugh.

  17. SM says:

    So. What did you think of last night’s episode?

  18. brookem says:

    Um, girls don’t “do” those “type of things.” Didn’t you get the memo?
    And ew.

  19. egan says:

    SM – some stuff did get answered last night so that was a good thing. However, I’m not sure about this time travel stuff. Didn’t you tell me the producers said the show wouldn’t be about time travel? If that’s the case, clones still aren’t out of the question.
    Brookem – oh really? I think women do these things and just as frequently as guys. I’m just saying.

  20. SM says:

    Um – yeah – that’s what i read last year or something. I agree – I’m still not sure about it either. If they do it right, it could be good. But time travel plots are tricky and it’s easy for writers to break some rules and then when that happens the whole thing falls to pieces.
    I’ve thought too much about it, clearly.
    I agree, clones aren’t out of the question.

  21. egan says:

    SM – that’s sort of how I felt. Many times last night I caught myself scratching my head in some disbelief. The show will always be fun, I just didn’t want it to be about time travel.

  22. I don’t even know what to say to that.

  23. egan says:

    movin’ down the road – by saying “I don’t know what to say” you said something and I thank you for this.

  24. emma says:

    I was just at an open house this past weekend and noticed that all the sinks and tubs were FILTHY. I had the same thought – WHA–? You would think realtors would be on the ball, going above and beyond. I was shocked. But you most definitely have me beat. That’s just wrong, but memorable.

  25. egan says:

    Emma – ha, why do they do that? Would you leave a rotting banana peel in your car if you were trying to sell it? I don’t think so. Some people just aren’t so smart, but that can be a good negotiating tool for buyers.

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