Relish the Excited Times

I’ve been told there are universal truths/traditions you come to accept in life. Many we learn as we go and some seem like we’ve known them since we could put on our own shoes.

  • For starters, if you see a woman who may be pregnant and you’re not sure. From what I’ve been told it’s totally acceptable to ask her “how far along are you?” and then to rub her belly without asking. In fact, you can even ask her if she’s excited to have a baby growing inside her. Go on, give it a try.
  • If you smell something that doesn’t seem right. It’s fine to ask the nearest person to you if they farted. If they didn’t fart, you’ll know right away by their reaction. If it’s a man, he’ll most likely chuckle. If it’s a woman, she may chuckle and then cock her neck wondering how anyone could notice such a thing. Fact, only dainty women who don’t do kegels routintely fart.
  • Being outside in the fresh air is really nice. If you’re outside and a bird happens to poop on your head. Don’t run to the washroom to clean it off. Leave it there for a while and let others know you’re not superficial. A bird pooping on a human isn’t unusual. It’s about as common as an excited pregnant woman. Relish the moment, laugh at yourself, let others see you, and then wash off the poop since it’s a tad unsanitary and may be frowned upon when you’re buying your lottery tickets.
  • Green means go. For the most part this is quite true. Did you know however, technically a green light means “proceed with caution”? This may explain why some drivers think it’s wise to be on a cell phone when entering intersections. It’s always good to call ahead and see if the intersection is clear. There are instances when cars don’t move when a light turns green. Typically this is the result of traffic, yet it could be an uber important somebody updating a social networking website. Politely gesture to these people as they’re keeping our craft alive and well.
  • There’s this great game called football. In America we call it football because the other football is for wimps. Our version of football attracts men to large parking lots and TVs across this fabulous nation of ours. Men gather, and gather they do like moths to the flame. You might assume they’re eagerly anticipating the start of the game, however the truth of the matter is they’re avoiding their familial obligations for at least 8 Sundays during late summer and fall. Not because they don’t enjoy their families, but because there’s a belief buff men wearing football gear chasing after an oblong ball, following rules enforced by men in black & white stripes constitutes sport.

[Blog/life camp dismissed]

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About lessinges

Seattle native, discovering life! I like ice cream, cold cereal, and The Amazing Race.
This entry was posted in Bathroom Humor, Curmudgeonly, Games, Officially Bizarre, Opinionated, Science. Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to Relish the Excited Times

  1. Amanda says:

    LOL! All so funny! Green means so many things….I remember reading somewhere that if a Korean man wears a green hat, it means his wife is having an affair. Not sure if its true or not…

  2. Gwen says:

    I love the holidays, too.

  3. churlita says:

    I always politely (ahem) gesture to people who are on their phones and/or updating social networking sites when they’re supposed to be driving.

  4. meno says:

    Man, you are SO smart to have learned all these true facts.

  5. SM says:

    I had a moment of panic this last weekend when I started talking to a woman who is pregnant, but i wasn’t quite sure if she was or not. She looked pregnant, but was pretty small yet. But I went ahead with it and asked when she was due hoping that I was right. Thankfully I was.
    Bird poop on the head is not awesome. Even more not awesome when you’re already having a bad day.

  6. sizzle says:

    I’m gullible but not THAT gullible. 😉 There have been times that I have wanted to ask if someone farted though.

  7. egan says:

    Amanda – oddly enough, I have a desire to wear a green hat around town all day to see if anyone looks at me differently.
    Gwen – I bet you do love the holidays. They are full of traditions and shit.
    Churlita – I somehow doubt you’re all that subtle with your hand gestures.
    Meno – it’s Acquired Knowledge, watch out!
    SM – now that would have been terrible if she wasn’t preggers. That would be horrific to assume someone’s preggers and learn they aren’t. It’s sort of like assuming a guy is well hung, but learning that he really enjoys putting stuff down his pants. Maybe not the same, but yeah.
    Sizzle – every single day. I also want to ask the freak(s) who microwave brocolli on a daily basis to spare their co-workers. Hey, it snowed today.

  8. emma says:

    Guano makes good conditioner.

  9. Cléa says:

    Is this lesson No 1 on April 1st? If so, you need to stay back after class. I’ve got detention class for you.

  10. Chris says:

    I must say this post borders on brilliance. I laughed, so hard I nearly had to practice to kegels of the dainty ones.

  11. Felisa says:

    I didn’t notice that the baby a woman was holding was an infant. I thought she was pregnant. That was a really, really awkward moment. I hope I didn’t damage her self-esteem… she wasn’t very happy with me.
    Green means proceed with caution? And orange doesn’t really mean slow. It means drive a heck of a lot faster before the light turns red, right?
    I’m not like American men who watch football because they think that what you mentioned makes it count as a sport. I’ll be honest… I sometimes watch it for the “buff men wearing football gear.”

  12. qt says:

    Your brilliance is amazing ~ I am shielding my eyes now….

  13. JLee says:

    hahaa…we were JUST talking about that pregnant thing yesterday. I have been burned by that a couple of times. Oops!
    Have a great Easter!

  14. sari says:

    Once when I was pregnant (about two years ago) I was sitting outside in a nice folding chair in the park under a tree and a stupid bird POOPED RIGHT ON ME. Stupid bird. So I moved my chair around to another part of the tree and ANOTHER STUPID BIRD POOPED RIGHT ON ME.
    I’m so not into the birds.

  15. SM says:

    what’s up?

  16. egan says:

    Emma – do you have something you’d like to share about guano? I hear oatmeal is good for your face.
    Clea – detention? This would be my first detention ever. I was a model student as a boy. Let’s just not talk about college though.
    Chris – well aren’t you so kind. I’m glad you liked it, now if I can deliver blog posts more often, life would be good. Kegels are an essential life skill.
    Felisa – I’m sure we’ve all done a similar thing with a questionably pregnant woman. Some are tricky and I suppose that’s why it’s best to never say anything. So you like the buff men eh? I’ll give you that, but you can barely see what the dudes look like.
    QT – you’re back. I’m sort of here, but still appreciative of your pleasantries.
    Essentially Me – come stai?
    JLee – I have a feeling most of us have been there on the pregnancy one. I know I have and it’s not good. Thanks, Easter should be a fun with the little one.
    Sari – now that’s rotten luck. Do you like birds as pets? I think birds as pets is really wrong, but that’s just me. They are winged animals so I’ve never understood caging a bird.
    SM – not much. I see you’re calling it quits. Don’t be a stranger, please!

  17. Matt says:

    I’ve been pooped on. Not cool. Easily cleaned if you’re bald, though.

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