The Monkeys are gone

Hello folks, testing this out since I failed to renew my vanity domain, lessinges.com. Maybe it’s time for a new vanity domain. That one served me well for almost twelve years.

I’m back on the market. Not the dating market, but the pesky job market. We finished our project about 3-4 weeks earlier than expected. Here I am a week after my last day seeking a new job. All I want for Christmas is a full-time job.

Happy holidays everyone! Please be safe and enjoy your loved ones.

Posted in Dumbass Move, Update | 9 Comments

369

Wow, where has the time gone? (I think all future blog posts will begin this way since that’s how I roll). I want to say I’m alive and well. I’m still looking for work, but that’s the only major pitfall in my life right now and I will not let my employment status dictate my outlook on life. Money is merely an object right?

I’ve been seeing a great woman for over a year now. We celebrated the one year mark Sunday night over a romantic dinner. I know this may seem soon, but she is moving in with me in a couple weeks. I think it will be a great thing for us. Sure, it will require lots of adjustments at first. In the end though, it will be nice to see her more than 3-4 days a week. Still need to break the news to my daughter, but I think she will handle the news like a champ. The two get along really well.

Dating with a child is tough, but I’m learning to embrace aspects of it. Heck, every other weekend I’m childless to do whatever I want. Don’t get me wrong though, I miss my daughter like crazy when she’s away with her mom. It has taken a lot of time to adjust to this, but I’m able to see how it can be a benefit. Weekend getaways!

In other news I’ve been swimming 4-5 days a week. It feels fantastic to be back in the pool. I started swimming again in late March since walking wasn’t meeting my weight loss goals. It feels amazing to be in the pool. It has always felt like a my home away from home. Not only do I love the exercise, but I love the characters I meet during my chlorine-induced coma. Since I’m not working, the pool has become my social outlet. I observe remarkable things there, some cringe-worthy and some rather emotional.

When I do find a job, I will need to cut back drastically on my hours at the pool. I think it’s a trade-off I’m willing to make. Pool or money? I suppose I can and will have both in my life. Aim high big Speedo loving boy!

Posted in Current Affairs, Grown-ups | Tagged , | 4 Comments

Disneyland Dad

Shortly before I became officially divorced last November, I recall hearing the term “Disneyland Dad”.  The term immediately stuck in my head for a variety of reasons. I learned today my daughter will head to Disneyland for the first time in April. My ex-wife informed me of the news today and this has been in the works since last fall. I suppose now that it’s officially going to happen, I’m rather sad.

I can hardly recall the first time and only time I went to Disneyland when I was a child.  My mom talks about it over and over as if I have fond memories of the event. It happened in 1975 when I was a ripe two years old. So you can see why I’d love to be there when my four and a half year old daughter experiences Disneyland for the first time.

It’s one of those firsts a parent doesn’t want to miss, but it’s the sad realization of divorce. I would do anything to be there and see her reactions to each princess she encounters while wandering the Anaheim grounds. Unfortunately it most likely won’t happen.

Each Friday I have lunch with my daughter. Today I wanted so badly to break the news to her about her magical first trip to Disneyland. I couldn’t. I bit my tongue and said nothing. She did give me a nice big hug when I arrived today. She looked in my eyes and said “dad, I miss you” and that tore a tiny hole in my fragile heart. It’s hard enough that I don’t get to see her more than a 3-4 days a week, but to hear her say she misses me is rough. It’s not like I’m gone or a deadbeat dad, we split custody 50/50.

This is the part of divorce with a child in the mix that’s utterly gut-wrenching. This post is a bit raw, but it’s how I felt earlier today and decided I needed an outlet for my feelings.

Posted in Current Affairs, D word, Grown-ups, Who Edits a Blog Entry | Tagged , , , | 17 Comments

Don’t let the door…

How will I remember 2011? It will go down as one of the most trying years of the past twenty. Testing my patience and views on life. I felt like a punching bag most of the year. I was bruised, hurt, emotional, scared, overwhelmed, confused, and shed lots of tears. Tears of agony and, importantly, tears of happiness as well.

I’ve done more reflecting the past twelve months than I thought possible. I’m not looking to point fingers at anyone or a specific event. It’s most important that I look at the curly-haired guy in the mirror and be honest with myself. I just can’t think of a time in my life when I’ve been so happy to put a year behind me.

Not to sound overly down though, 2011 wasn’t a complete nightmare. There were ample new memories and experiences to be grateful about in 2011. In fact, I had more positive memories this year than not. The low points were tougher to swallow than I’d like. Thankfully nothing in life remains more true than the strength of friends. It is through these hardships that we learn the most about ourselves and lean the most on our friends. I’ve been tested and I “endured” the challenging year, thanks to the support of friends and family.

Things will be vastly different in 2012, I can promise you that much. Happy New Year to everyone. I wish you all a promising 2012! Thanks for reading.

Posted in Current Affairs, Facial Tissue, Grown-ups, Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 3 Comments

I Quit You 2011

I spent about twenty minutes sharing how I need to find a new job at the end of the month. I didn’t save my blog changes and poof, they disappeared. Oh, that’s a rather telling
metaphor for my employment.

I’m certain 2012 has an amazing job waiting for me because dammit I deserve one after the nonsense I’ve been through the past 18 months. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out 2011!

20111213-015039.jpg

Posted in Chomage, Current Affairs, Grown-ups | Tagged , , | 9 Comments

Seven days, infinite ways

One week, one week from now things will be different.  Yes, I know the divorce was supposed to be final early last week.  However, I didn’t know you had to book a court date and we were missing a document.  This time though, we’ve got the appointment booked and I’m armed with the missing paperwork.

How do I feel a week away from becoming “officially divorced”?  Hard to say, but I would say overall I’m sad.  My sappiness isn’t solely because of the divorce, but combine it with a few other things and there you go.  Mrs. Lessinges moved out of our house over the weekend so now it sits nearly empty, yet there are tons of memories.  I stand in the vacant living room and think about the Thanksgiving dinner we hosted last year.  I think about the middle of the night feedings when Baby Singe had no hair and couldn’t talk.  I recall the energy of the neighbor kids during the summer months, creating all sorts of chalk artwork on the sidewalks. I’m reminded of all the improvements we made on the house.  Yes, the house lacks physical objects and occupants, but the memories live.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t get so caught up in the past, but I do.  I think about how things were a year ago, six years ago, or even just six weeks ago.  Interestingly enough, I believe 2011 has been a solid year for me.  On paper it doesn’t appear this way.  In my head I feel like I’ve been able to learn much about myself and a slow rebirth is on its way.  Through this experience I’ve of course learned what makes me tick.  I’m hopeful I can find my way again resuming old hobbies and discovering new ones.

Most importantly, I refuse to beat myself up.  I’m a good person who happened to get divorced.  Just as Mrs. Lessinges is a good person too, we simply weren’t meant to be together for the long haul.  I’ve had trouble adjusting to seeing my daughter 3-4 days a week as opposed to seeing her every day.  The days without her have been tougher to bear than I thought possible.  I’ve said this many times before, I didn’t become a parent to see my child half the time.  All I wanted as a child was to see my parents and when my parents split, it was so very hard to have my father drift out of my life.  I told myself that wouldn’t happen on my watch, yet it has.  Don’t get me wrong, this is the right thing for us.  I’m simply stating how it makes me sad to not see my daughter seven nights a week.  I don’t want to miss key parts of her life as well as the minutia.

So here I am, moving on and enjoying the present with glimpses back to the future.  I can do this, I know I can.  Managing this along with work and a personal life is a daunting task, but it can be done.  Damnit, I just want to laugh again… and it’s happening.

Posted in Current Affairs, D word, Grown-ups | Tagged , , | 13 Comments

Cathartic

I have an account on Facebook. Not a shocker or anything, but today I shared that it was a sad day for me. Not surprising given stuff happening in my life right now.

Someone asked why’d I would share my private sentiments in a public forum. Truth be told I don’t see my sentiments as private though because I think there’s much to be gained from a sharing situation. I’m sure there are plenty out there who have been in my shoes. I can’t be the first dad in his late thirties to get divorced. Sometimes it feels like I am the only one, but I know it’s definitely not the case.

To the casual observer, sure it may seem odd to post a vague statement online about how I’m feeling. The reward though is easy to find. Allowing myself to explain why I’m sad to various people encourages me to take a step back and assess where I am and how far I’ve come. It is a good thing in my eyes. It wasn’t my attempt to pander, it was merely what was truly on my mind.

Why the sadness you ask? The house we purchased together is now officially vacant. There are memories in every corner of the house. Going in my daughter’s vacant room made me quite sad. It was her first room, the only room she knew prior to my moving out at the end of April. All the diapers, decorations, and sleepless nights spent in that room. I know I know, the memories will always be there, it just made me stop and pause a bit.

I’m honestly thrilled my ex-wife found a cute place to live in a fun part of town I’m relieved we are friends through all this, working with her to make the best decisions for our amazing daughter. Tough days will happen, yet l’d like to point out I’m at peace with my new and evolving life. I have much to be thankful for during this Week of Thanks.

Posted in Current Affairs, Don't Quit Your Day Job | Tagged , | 10 Comments